Is it possible to overcome childhood trauma?

[Sylver75]

I'm 48 and since I've been a small child have been stuck in the middle of my parent's arguments. "Tell you father this" "Tell your mother that" type of thing. When I was about 9, my Mam asked me if she should leave Dad and us 3 kids (me being eldest) Of course I said No, I didn't want to be left without her and was already looking after my baby sister (night feeds, getting her dressed in mornings, etc). At 9, I didn't want to have a 6 year old brother, infant sister and my Dad to look after. Mam didn't leave and another brother came along 3 years later.

I live nearby and wish I'd emigrated when I was younger. I feel compelled to visit and bear the brunt of Mam's regret at becoming a parent. She is harshest on me as I guess, being the first, I'm the one that ruined her life, in her eyes.

I love my parents, I get along better with Dad but they can both be difficult. A silly row yesterday ended with Dad using emotional blackmail saying he wouldn't go to his hospital appointment today. My sister had been there when this went on so messaged me a flurry of texts so I ended up getting in the car and driving the few miles to their house to broker peace.

I go back to being a child, afraid of my parents arguing, historically there was physical violence but that hasn't happened in nearly 40 years now but anytime one of them raises their voice, I'm that scared little girl again. I've shielded my younger siblings from it as well as I could over the years and as adults, they all abdicate all responsibility, such as it is, to me.

Dad has depression which complicates things. He has attempted suicide and I've been the one to bring him back to wanting to live on a couple of occasions. He overdosed once and Mam rang me at work, by time I got to the house, she had left and didn't come back for hours, leaving me to get him in a car to hospital by myself. That's just one example of many that are weighing me down.

I'm just so exhausted from it. I know I should not visit there as often (3 times a week during my lunch break as I work nearby) but feel duty-bound to keep doing it.

Has anyone managed to make the break and how did it go? How do you get over the guilt?

Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am that you had these experiences, none of which were your fault - you were a child with no control over any of this and I can completely understand why it still affects you.

I think it absolutely is possible to overcome, through therapy and finding ways to accept what happened and change future patterns. Easier said than done I know but I know lots of people who have.

When you say "get over the guilt" it sounds very much like what the women over on the Stately Homes threads talk about being in the FOG ie. "fear obligation and guilt". Your last two sentences literally say that you feel "duty bound", that you need to "get over the guilt" and there is obviously an underlying fear of what would happen (to you, your parents and your siblings) if you laid down your own boundaries and took control over how you're feeling.

I used to have a pretty difficult relationship with my own mum and have managed to reset our relationship with a combination of working on myself, a bit of counselling, reading a few books, and reading a LOT of threads on here over the years. But there is no finish line, I still have to put my "strategies" into practice every time we get together. But at least I have strategies now and I have largely come out of the FOG phase.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4902615-september-2023-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

check out this post which might resonate: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4902615-september-2023-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?reply=130383172&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

And also the one from tonewbeginnings posted yesterday

for you!