Let Myself Go

[FellInATrap]

Name change for this as I'm embarrassed.

I'm 41, 2 kids, 6 and 18 months, SAHM.

I don't know who I am anymore. I have no sense of style, I make do with hand me down clothes, much to my husband's disgust.

He says I have given up, that I've fallen into a trap and that I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

The house is always a mess, the kids consume me and I don't recognise myself anymore.

How to I pick myself up and get with life again? He says he loves me and doesn't want to see me fading away and that he also wants to be married to a 41 year old not someone who's like a 70 year old.

He said I'd turned into a slob yesterday and it hurts. He never said anything like this to me before, we've been together years but I can see where he's coming from if I'm honest.

I don't want to lose my family, I'm also scared he has or it going to meet someone new now I know he feels this way about me.

Feeling low.

You have little children.

Tell your oh so helpful husband that in order to find yourself again you need energy and time to yourself, which will mean he steps up more with childcare, housework, the mental load.

So give him a written schedule of the weekend days you will need to yourself, the extra funds allocated etc, and the chores he needs to cover.

Hopefully he will be enthusiastic to support you.

Are you depressed or have you just gotten use to wearing secondhand comfy clothes?

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. Obviously you are struggling OP but he could have been sympathetic and offered support rather than scorn - like a good partner should.
Does he not understand how consuming small children are? I don't even have kids but I know they take over. Does he ever help you with them or take them for a few hours so you can do something for yourself?
He needs to be supportive and pitch in rather than shaming you.

If you are feeling overwhelmed could you try getting in some childcare help, or a cleaner or something to take some of the pressure off so you have more time to yourself? Then find time to do something for yourself, a hobby or interest that is just for you. You will start to feel more like yourself again but it takes time and support.

I'm the same OP. I'm 46. Dc aged 6 and 8 so should be more on top of it by now. I've been single since they were babies. It's hard, and I don't know how to make it better.

Just wanted to say OP, if the issue is you feeling flat and not having energy for anything anymore, there could be an element of perimenopause in this. I know it's trotted out a lot on here, but if you have noticed a big change in your feelings over the past few years, there maybe be something in it. You could get your bloods checked at your GP or something to rule out any hormonal changes.

Obviously having young kids is tough anyway, especially if your husband is not helping enough.

Thank you for you replies everyone.

My husband is a great father, family man and a wonderful husband really.

He's supportive so I know for him to say those things, he really must mean them.

He encourages me to have hobbies and time for myself but I never seem to make it happen so it's all down to me really.

Things haven't been great in the downstairs department since the birth of my youngest, I'm currently having physio so sex hasn't been on the menu either, although there is never any pressure from him in that department but I'm keen for us to reconnect on that level.

I don't think I'd depressed. I am an over thinker though so it's knocked my confidence a bit. I was brought up on second hand clothes so it's not an issue for me to wear them.

Can you afford to change things? I think he was unnecessarily harsh but it does also sound like you are not happy with how you look and feel so it's worth making a drastic change.

This will of course mean that he will have to take on some of the childcare after work and on the weekends so that you can go get your hair done, go to the gym, maybe get your nails done, buy some new clothes. For your own mental health you should also get some time to come away from mum mode and go out with friends or your husband once or twice a month at least.

I'm not earning and DH supports us all, he's on an ok wage and we don't claim any benefits.

I feel like everyone has a better life than us but in equal measures I'm extremely grateful to have a roof over our heads and food on the table.

I get to tuck my kids into a safe, warm bed at night and I'm extremely grateful for that so don't get me wrong.

I'm just a little lost right now and I don't want to lose my husband 😭

If it's about clothes and you feeling stuck in a style rut, could you arrange for a personal shopper at John Lewis or something. Even just to get a style wardrobe - a few key pieces that makes you look well put together, but also that fit well and suit you. Then you don't have to overthink what you wear on a regular basis.

It does sound a bit like you and your husband are on different pages in terms of expectations. He needs to be supportive rather than critical.

If you are struggling physically after the birth of your last child, then your physio sessions should help with that. Do you do any exercise? That could help you feel a bit better about yourself, or increase endorphins. Joining a weekly class could get you out of the house and give you a boost.

Maybe just take one step this week. Write a list of a few things you think will help, or that you would like to change, and then try doing one of those things or making just one change next week.

Then after a while, try incorporating another thing etc. It will take time to build yourself back up, but start slowly and get your husband on board as your cheerleader.

Have you thought if your husband does not help to make you happy? You are in a very difficult period with small kids. You need real support and there is a type who just goes about how the wife looks. He can be a great father but be careful because calling slob is not on. That is very bad for your mental health and current situation. Does he expect you to be perfect at all times? You need to snap out but what is making you yourself go? Think of you and not what he thinks because is making you feel inadequate. Stop,
pause to think and take action.

I work full time (WFH) and have a 5yo. I generally manage to keep the house tidy and DH pulls his weight with housework too. 90% of the time I'm in gym leggings or jogging suits with my hair in a messy bun. I don't really see the point in getting dressed up to sit at a laptop all day and do the school run.

At the weekends I'll do my hair and make more of an effort. Although my DH has always said I look beautiful all the time, he's full of compliments when I do make more of an effort at the weekend. I don't particularly have self esteem issues or anything but I definitely feel better when I've made an effort and have a nice outfit on.

I know it's tough when you have a small baby and even getting time for a shower can be a struggle. But maybe making more of an effort one day a week would feel more manageable. Get your DH to watch the kids while you spend an hour or so looking after you. It'll probably give you a little boost and even on the weekdays when you're maybe not looking your best you can remember you were a hot mama at the weekend! Expecting someone to look polished every day when they have kids is a bit much I think.

I might se myself a target of doing hair and make up on weekends. That could get me back into the routine of looking after myself a bit more.

I'm currently booking in to get my hair cut and dyed as it hasn't been done since the start of August and my roots are very grey.

I would book an appointment, maybe hairdresser or manicure next Saturday and tell him he’s looking after the children, cooking dinner, oh and sorting the laundry and cleaning the house too to bottom while you are out. Turn your phone off too.