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Original poster

Do you also check your children's phones?

48 replies

DominikaPL · 02/11/2023 12:13

Hi!

i wonder what it looks like for you ;) I feel uncomfortable with the topic because i belive in trust but on the other hand i dont trust other people - especially strangest.

I will be grateful for every answer! :D

OP posts:
hotcandle · 02/11/2023 12:14

I have family link on my little sisters phone that allows me to keep an eye on what she's downloading.

I don't check specific messages but I really should and might start

Original poster
DominikaPL · 02/11/2023 12:25

this is a really good approach to the topic ;D! Thank you for sharing your expereince!

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 02/11/2023 12:26

No, never have. They are now 21 and 17.

Surelytheresaneasierway · 02/11/2023 12:28

Yes - he’s 11 (in year 7) and I check his messages and internet history. I feel that his safety and guiding appropriate phone use is more important than his privacy currently. This will change as he gets older.
Interestingly the school have also advised us to monitor our children’s phones and messages

milliemermaid · 02/11/2023 12:34

I used to when she was 13, but apparently I was the only person in the whole wide world to do so!

lndnbrdge91 · 02/11/2023 12:56

Yes; because he is a child with access to an adult world on his phone. Child aged 12. I am honest with him about this (that we sometimes check the phone), and we talk about a lot of things together. I do not want to invade his privacy but he has moved off 'group chats' when they have become inappropriate. It is clear that not everyone's boundaries on groups/use of phones is the same, so I feel it is my job to help guide him through it all.

Sammysquiz · 02/11/2023 15:05

Yes, I do. It was a condition of 12 year old DD getting one. She’s been fine so far, but some of the things I’ve seen sent round on group chats have concerned me. Some of the kids are messaging on it at crazy hours too.

Cocoalover · 02/11/2023 15:08

I do check my 10 year olds phone. He had his first phone in August because he wanted to keep in touch with friends. I've blocked access to any mature sites, so he can't access stuff like that. I think it's very important to check your children's phones.

ginsparkles · 02/11/2023 15:09

Yes I do. It was agreed that if she had a phone I can look at it as and when I want to. The agreement is I ask first but she is to give it to me when I ask. I don't check her chats with her boyfriend unless I notice something in her behaviour that gives me cause for concern and then I will ask her to let me see the messages.

Cocoalover · 02/11/2023 15:10

I haven't found anything particularly concerning so far, but I did see that he was looking at girls in bikinis. He's 10 and curious, so I do understand his curiosity, but it still surprised me!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/11/2023 15:15

Yes, it’s always been part of the agreement for getting phones in this house. As is them charging downstairs overnight.

Dd is 14 and is the fifth child in the house to get a phone and I’m actually shocked at how late some of her classmates are messaging. Even though I know well how much access some children have, her cohort has genuinely surprised me as a lot of people are very vocal now about limiting screen time and social media for children. I (naively obviously) thought her age group might have stricter access younger.

DD is still pretty good for now at flagging to me to things that she knows I’ll not like or being concerned about which is good (she knows I’m much less likely to restrict things if she flags something which isn’t good than if I find it later).
One of her classmates have a tutorial on a class WhatsApp group on how to get around parental controls. Was an illuminating read to see how many kids openly said their parents never check.

BibbleandSqwauk · 02/11/2023 15:37

I use a family app for my 12 and 14 yo. I can set downtime at night, limit time on specific apps, block apps, lock the phone instantly from mine etc. It also gives me their location. I was having to read the messages on one of their phones because they were getting it wrong in social interaction with the opposite sex and some stuff came up at school. Currently Snapchat and Insta are banned. I teach that age group and an awful lot can go wrong very quickly. Tight rein on mine, I don't care if they think I'm mean or sad or whatever.

mindutopia · 02/11/2023 16:25

Mine is 10 and does not have a phone, but yes, I check her tablet. I do surprise checks - I appear from nowhere and she has to turn it over right away without deleting anything. It's led me to believe though that, at least among her friends that their parents are either (a) not checking their phones or (b) if they are, woefully irresponsible with policing what their (quite young - 9 & 10 year old) children are doing online, given the things I can see some of them are posting. 🙄 Some of them message and facetime at all hours of the night (like 2am, when dd's ipad is locked away) and one of them has a TikTok she's posting what I would consider quite inappropriate (for a 10 year old) photos.

Will I still be checking it when she's 16? No, but it will continue for some time. The online world is like inviting randoms into your house. I wouldn't allow dd to bring randoms over, so it's not acceptable for her to be talking to them online either.

JellyComb · 02/11/2023 16:33

I checked all my boys phones every night and took them off them at bedtime until they were about 14 / Year 9. After that they had more privacy but weren't allowed to lock me out, so i had to know they're pass codes. They are in their 20s now and i think i got that thing right (not everything, but at least that).

Original poster
DominikaPL · 02/11/2023 16:49

Don't you think this is too much of an invasion of privacy?thanks for answer!

OP posts:
ShineBright1209 · 02/11/2023 17:07

I don’t generally check my 13 year old boys phone but I do randomly check my 11 year old daughters phone.

gwenneh · 02/11/2023 17:11

No.
It isn’t infringement on a child’s rights to supervise them when they are using something dangerous.

reluctantbrit · 02/11/2023 17:21

Regularly between 11 - 14, after that when we had suspicions that something was going on and DD was over her head. Even she agreed afterwards that she got stuck and us finding out helped hugely.

We also checked brower history.

She is now 16, we still know her passwords/codes and she needs our approval for downloading apps.

But she is responsible and we talk about this openly.

PaperDoIIs · 02/11/2023 17:29

Yes I do. It was a condition of having her phone , she knows I'm doing it and she's used to it by now. Sometimes she'll come to me herself to show me stuff if it makes her uncomfortable or doesn't know what to do or just because someone said/posted something funny.

Why I do it?
1.because she's a kid and she can fuck up in various ways. I'd rather know myself than get a phonecall from someone else.

  1. I don't trust other kids or their parents(looking at her phone a LOT of them are completely unsupervised ) . I did find out she was being bullied by her old friends for example before she was fully ready to open up. I just kept asking her if everything is ok ,how is so and so etc .

3.because she's a kid and she's still my responsibility to guide ,protect and parent. I wouldn't send her off with a set of knives and tell her to go wild.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/11/2023 18:31

DominikaPL · 02/11/2023 16:49

Don't you think this is too much of an invasion of privacy?thanks for answer!

No I don’t. Privacy should be age appropriate - not just completely given unchecked.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/11/2023 18:43

Don't you think this is too much of an invasion of privacy?thanks for answer!

No. Privacy is a gradual thing and young people need to be guided and supervised in their interactions online.

Both my two (10/12) know that a condition of having a phone/tablet is that I can access it without warning at any time, that all devices are downstairs at night and that they follow my rules about who they contact or give their number to. Any breach leads to their devices being removed. I won’t be changing that any time soon.

I wouldn’t drop my kids off in an unknown town and leave them to fend for themselves, I don’t see online access any differently in fact I think it’s more risky and needs more care.

Riverstep · 02/11/2023 18:54

No I have never checked their phones. We have had a lot of discussions about internet safety / apps etc over the years and school cover these topics too. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable going through their phones and wanted them to feel that I trusted them.

SpaceRaiders · 02/11/2023 19:02

Yes. It was a condition of add getting one. She knows that I can check it at anytime. Whilst I trust that she is sensible, I don’t trust others will be so it’s for her own safety that I do so occasionally. In reality I haven’t checked it in well over a month, she has screen time and it removes access between 9pm-7am.

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 02/11/2023 19:06

I used to until she turned 13, when I started to feel she needed a bit more privacy.

Also, in reading her messages it dawned on me reading things her friends had sent that I wouldn’t otherwise be privy too. That was a double edged sword as on the one hand I wanted to make sure she was mixing with the “right” people, but on the other hand I felt it was unfair to her friends to have someone’s mum reading their personal things. I would feel uncomfortable if DD had told a friend something personal on Snapchat or whatever, and another adult was reading it and passing judgement.

It’s a tricky one though. I don’t judge parents who do choose to look, but IMO there has to be a boundary somewhere when they get to a certain age/maturity level.

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 02/11/2023 19:08

Something is telling me that OP is actually a teenager whose parents look through their phone.

If that’s the case, good luck to you OP! I admire your commitment to research 😄

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