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Original poster

How do you stay ok when your kid is sad

15 replies

Butterbeen · 02/11/2023 06:16

Transition to secondary has not been nice for DD.

Sweet primary school to large school where class she says so not like her 'funny faces, not being her partner in class etc' and not being picked for things she tried for like shows or teams.

How to comfort her? How to stop feeling so sad for her, how to promise her school is crap and she's special enough, event though selectors don't think she is.

urgh. Hate this.

OP posts:

ArthurbellaScott · 02/11/2023 06:22

Mostly, by listening. Let her talk about it without trying to fix it. Sit with silences.

She'll work it out. She sounds delightful, and she will like all children face challenges and difficulties- she can and will get through them with your emotional support.

So - hold space for her to spill all her feelings, let her have a cry if she needs to. Sit/walk with her, and wait. Eventually she will come up with her own thoughts. That's her rebuilding her own emotional ship, so to speak.

The hardest thing is dealing with the pain of loved ones! So be kind to yourself at the same time, it's not always easy to listen.

CatrinVennastin · 02/11/2023 06:26

Had very similar my youngest DD and agree with @ArthurbellaScott about not trying to fix things.

year 7 is tough on so many kids and it took my DD a while to find good friends.

ArthurbellaScott · 02/11/2023 06:26

I don't know if the emotional ship makes much sense, sorry! I meant once she's got her hurt out of her system she will be better able to recover, and face challenges.

Same goes for you - if it's hard listening to your DD then talk to someone else about it or post on here to get it out of your system. We all need to be listened to.

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frozendaisy · 02/11/2023 06:29

Explain school doesn't work for everyone but you have to do it so get as much education as you can out of it and try and not worry too much about the rest it will fall into place but it takes time for some kids.

The sports teams are picked from kids who do those sports outside of school. The drama kids are picked from ones who do stage school.

Are there more chilled non selective clubs she can get involved with, science for instance?

Can she toughen up? Acting not bothered around other kids helps.

She won't be the only one feeling like this. She won't.

Original poster

Butterbeen · 02/11/2023 06:29

Thank you so much. Realise my first post has many mixed up phrases. Clear I am rattled. She's got a heart of gold and is bright and funny and kind. I am a fixer of problems in work and usually at home so really welcome the listen advice. I will need to vent here. X

OP posts:

fifteenfifty · 02/11/2023 06:36

It's also true that the first two years of secondary tend to be the toughest for kids who struggle to find their feet. By third year they move into chosen subject classes and have more choice for friendships and have built up resilience and confidence. It won't stay like this.

Having said that, my kid was unhappy in first year and so we switched school for second. No point in forcing them to continue in a school which really feels the wrong fit. Consider all your options. It shouldn't be true or accepted that secondary school is awful and should just be endured.

ArthurbellaScott · 02/11/2023 06:37

Yes, its something I've had to learn! And sometimes literally bite my lip not to respond and jump in with solutions. It's not easy seeing our loved one in pain. But what she needs is your calm, loving, quiet presence. You are her safe space. Its simple, but not easy.

She will be okay. Its all part of growing up.

ArthurbellaScott · 02/11/2023 06:39

Consider all your options. It shouldn't be true or accepted that secondary school is awful and should just be endured.

Also true. I guess you need to both actively listen to help her with the emotional stuff, and separately think about practical ways to address the issue.

MasterGland · 02/11/2023 06:43

I am anticipating a similar situation for myself next year. DS is currently in Y6 and is very gentle and sweet natured. He tolerates school, preferring to be with his family, playing outside, or with his pets. He has a few niche interests that are unusual for a child of his age. There are already some issues in primary. I am a teacher and so know he is going to find secondary very difficult.
Like others have said, you just have to listen. I find it very upsetting, so I take the dog out for a walk afterwards to think through things myself and sometimes have a good cry! Not much help, I know.

Loveandloveandlove · 02/11/2023 06:55

My daughter is in Year 8, she too struggled with starting secondary and still is struggling but it’s getting better. I would encourage your daughter to do after school clubs. This has helped my daughter. My daughter has struggled to find a connection with others as she’s finding girls will
do anything to be popular and they are unkind. She is constantly picked on for being ‘a nerd’. Is your daughter quiet? Mine is and I think it’s most difficult for quiet people as they never seem to get heard and others see them as an easy target. Definitely encourage your daughter to try after school Clubs offered by the school.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 02/11/2023 07:03

This is the hardest thing I find about being a parent. I've heard it said that you're only as happy as your unhappiest child.
My children are grown now but when they're hurting emotionally I find it really hard that I can't fix it. I'm very practical too and want to find solutions but often listening empathicaly is all you have.

Forcedoutoflurking · 02/11/2023 08:55

"I've heard it said that you're only as happy as your unhappiest child."

I was just about to say this. I really struggle with this as a parent but I firmly believe it's much better for your child if you don't get sucked into their pain, hard though that is. Empathise but don't catastrophise, things will get better and they will benefit from seeing you stay strong and light hearted.

Original poster

Butterbeen · 02/11/2023 19:55

Thanks all. A better day today. Wonder if run through schools dont have this crap

OP posts:

weebarra · 02/11/2023 20:13

DD is round about the same age as yours, but we are in Scotland so still in primary. She's having an awful time at the moment, but at least while she's in primary she has one class teacher who has been great.
She's bright, funny and clever and until this year we've had no issues, now she's very unwilling to go to school. It's not bullying but general nastiness from others. She has two older brothers but other mums of girls tell me it's common at this age.
I'm just trying to make home a safe and happy space for her, listen to and acknowledge her and just try to support her.
It's so hard, I just want my happy girl back.

Flockameanie · 02/11/2023 20:33

It really is the hardest thing - I find it so difficult coping with my kids’ big feelings. I’ve found the Good Inside parenting site really helpful in understanding the importance of listening and validating their feelings - it’s a bit American and cringey at times, but the advice is really solid. Not having to fix things. Not trying to dismiss them. Philippa Perry’s book ‘The book you wish your parents had read’ is really helpful to for understanding why we find this so hard.

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