Please can you talk me through dealing with a death - the practical stuff

[pastypirate]

Dm died this morning. It was horrendous but what I need advice about is that I will be sole executor I think - only child and dm exh is long dead.

Body waiting to be released from mortuary and they said expect that in a week or so.

I've locked up the house and turned the boiler right down.

I know I need to choose a funeral home and that's all...

What else do I do? I'm in total shock.

Hi op, sorry you're going through this. My mum died unexpectedly last year, and it felt overwhelming so I understand where you're at right now.

It sounds like you've done the immediate stuff by locking up and turning the boiler down. Folk have suggested emptying the fridge, good plan.

With regards to sorting the finances, if your mums affairs were quite straightforward I'd recommend doing the letters of administration/probate yourself, if you feel up to it. You'd need to do the majority of the legwork yourself anyway if you asked a solicitor to do it.

I'm a list maker so I had a big note book. In the front I wrote a page for each of the companies I needed to deal with eg gas, water, pension, council tax, car tax/car stuff, bank accounts, gp, club cards, window cleaner, everything. Get yourself comfy with a brew and just work through them all, making notes. At the back of the book was a brain dump/to-do list for stuff I kept remembering.

There's a really helpful guide another pp has linked, I found that really useful.

The undertaker was very kind and had lots of information leaflets for stuff. Lean on them of you need to.

And take care of yourself op. If you've done CPR for 30 mins you will be physically and emotionally exhausted as well as in shock and grieving. Eat little and often, drink plenty of water.

Along with the "tell Us Once" I would also suggest re-directing her mail to you and, if needed, an "executor Account" . When dad passed away (3 years ago today), I found it made dealing with his estate a lot easier by having everything in 1 place.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I'm so sorry that you have lost your Mum, and especially that it was so very distressing for you this morning.

Try to take care of yourself to help you through the difficult days ahead. Drink plenty of fluids so you don't get dehydrated, it will help keep you alert. Try to eat, even if you don't feel like a full meal, eat snacks, like sandwiches and soup.

The funeral director will help and guide you along the steps you need to follow. Perhaps your Mum had a funeral plan in place?
Just take things slowly, so you are not overwhelmed.

Personally, I would leave contacting your Mum's bank for a couple of weeks, as there may be payments due to her, which if they shut her account down immediately, will be a problem to clear. This happed with my Dad's bank account, and the bank then had to arrange cash reimbursements for me.

Kindest thoughts to you @pastypirate .

Age U.K. have very detailed guides for everything and they also have services you can call for additional guidance.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/when-someone-dies-information-guide/

I'm sorry Op, that must have been very distressing for you, bad enough to have the sudden death of your DM without being asked to do CPR.
A good funeral director will help guide you through everything that needs to be done for the services but don't agree to anything you don't want, a funeral can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish. Whoever conducts the service will want to celebrate your DM's life so it's helpful to think of what you'd like them to mention, it doesn't have to all be sad, it's a chance to talk about all the aspects of your DM's life.

Sorry for your loss. There is no immediate hurry, most things are not overly urgent so can wait till you’re ready.

The funeral directors can guide you with the practical stuff.

The Tell me once thing is great, get plenty of death cert copies - you’ll be surprised how many people need a copy although they will be returned to you when they’re finished with them.

I’d recommend a WhatsApp group or group email for people that need/want to know what’s going on - saves you having the same conversation over and over…

The number of people I’ve known fall out with siblings after a bereavement, I’d say being an only child is an advantage, you’ve not got to have anyone else’s approval to any of the decisions that will need to be made from funeral flowers to sale (or not) of property.

Sorry for your loss. You will face a few tough months but you will get through. Just one step at a time and look after yourself.

My Mum died in May and I am also an only child. I organised the funeral, got Probate, cleared and sold her home. It was tough but I feel a tremendous sense of satisfaction from knowing that I did it. I have no children and I live in NZ and my Mum was in Lancashire.

Just make a list and gradually cross stuff off, if does not all have to be done this week. Look after yourself.💐

I had a very similar experience, with the chest compressions. I don't like to think of it now 3 years later. I had to work on actively not thinking of it. If it ever comes up in my thoughts I focus on good, positive memories. You might want to consider talking to your GP, I didn't but I probably should have. Time does help, in the end. In the meantime try to focus in good memories.

@user14699084664 funny you should mention sibling fall outs. I'm a maternal only child but have 2 older paternal half sisters. My father relished cutting me out of his will (I assume - I never asked) and my sisters excluded me from the funeral. I was told about his death over a year later. My sisters J and F are vindictive bitches.

Which makes me think I need to really carefully go through mums address book and call people next week. We are a small family but my mum knew everyone and was always sending birthday gifts to random friends children she was fond of. I'm not leaving anyone out.

I wish I'd asked the paramedics for a sedative. I had beta blockers in my car though which were probably enough at the time. I'm not sure they are now.

It means a lot that just one person understood how fucking awful that experience was. I've never felt so alone. The call handler shouting at me and arguing with me. I'd just found my mums body.

I should have said. Apart from that I have only positive memories of my mum. She was an amazing mum and devoted grandma to my dds whom she adored. They were everything she wished for.

She would have asked for a dignified and quick death before she was infirm. I wasn't ready to lose her but this is what she would have chosen. I have to take comfort in that.

I'm so sorry for your loss @pastypirate . I lost my mam very suddenly just after Christmas and the shock is horrific.

My dad had to do CPR but my mam did speak to him just after she collapsed so was just alive when he rang 999.

That sounds very traumatic-especially as it was clear that your mam had passed away already. I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

You've had lots of practical advice but please look after you.. the shock is horrific and unless you've gone through it you can't understand it. Take the support offered to you from others.

💕

I also had to perform chest compressions on my long gone sister (PM revealed she'd died over 24 hours before). My advice for that is it may shield you from the grief, you may be so affected by that trauma that you can't process that your mum is gone. You can lean into it and use it as a shield, or push past it and find your other feelings. Don't bottle it up, don't hide it and don't put it off.

Delegate tasks, you'll have to do a few things yourself like registering the death and using the tell us once service, but funeral home choosing, and everything that comes with it can be shared.

If you can afford and manage it, keep her home for a while (if it's hers) and sort through everything after the funeral. When the funeral is done you'll feel clearer about sorting through her belongings. If her home isn't hers, and you need to empty it soon, take everything out and store it somewhere, you may regret not keeping items.

Don't be afraid to ask for MH support, sleeping aids etc. It's an inescapable pain but sleeping and talking will help.

My best advice for after all of this is done, is plan something to look forward to. A day in her memory. I picked a date in the spring for my sister, and instead of remembering the day she died I remember how much she loved gardening and wearing flowery dresses.

Sending love x

I am so sorry for your loss, death is something we can never prepare ourselves for. Its going to be hard, but i promise you it will get better. I lost my dad last year he was only 57 and it was out of the blue. He didnt have a will. My brother lives in australia so he was no help. So I also had to deal with everything on my own like you. The coroner put me in touch with a local funeral director. They pretty much take everything on, and it's up to you to decide what flowers, who will be bearers etc.
I couldn't use the tell us once service as I only had a interim death certificate as my dad had to have a post mortem, which was inconclusive and I did not get a official death certificate until a year later. So bear this in mind.
I tried applying for probate myself but had a breakdown as they need so much information about pensions, accounts, and I didn't know where to find this as my dad had no paperwork around. In the end I just decided to get a solictor to sort it all out seeing as he had a house to sell. So my advice just save yourself the stress and speak to one as soon as you can, if your mam had a will things will be a lot more straight forward for you. The solictor I dealt with was fixed fee and they even paid for the funeral until probate was granted and funds released from the estate so there's no need to worry if money is tight either.
You will probably be in shock for a while, I know I was. Then it will sink in as the months go by. Seek help if you need to, hang in there though cause I promise you will be ok. Sending hugs xx

For funerals there are other options, for example companies like Pure Cremation, as one example. During Covid a friend used this service in the immediate aftermath, and then arranged a memorial service much later on. in that case the whole family agreed that it made the process easier for them all, they had time to deal with things, to accept and come to terms with their loss and were better prepared than they would otherwise have been.

Try the Age UK website, I think they have useful advice.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, @pastypirate

Excellent advice has been given so only a little to add.

I've done probate in Australia and the UK when my DH died suddenly and it's not difficult for anyone with decent literacy skills, but your call, and no rush. I found it very satisfying. One thing I did find was that UK institutions often have a bereavement section with its own direct line, so after the initial call you're not queuing subsequently.

You seem to have some challenging relations, so keep things in writing, even notes after a phone call. As sure as eggs are eggs they'll arc up.

One thing I did, and seven years later still do, is to keep an A4 ringbinder, with A-Z dividers and punched lined paper. I keep a record of phone calls made/action taken, name , date, etc. A lifesaver.

Gosh, I seem to be all about the writing, but it does help organise the blizzard of events into some order.

Many

That's v good advice about the recording conversations thank you. My lovely auntie has just phoned and told me I should keep the house and let it out so I doubt I'm going to have any ag about the assets.

I'm going to instruct a probate solicitor due to advice here - that made me feel much more in control so sound advice I think

Make sure you get a quote from a Probate Solicitor. Might be worth you looking on the government Probate site to see what is involved. When I saw how long the delays were I thought it was going to be complicated. It is an easy form to complete and there is guidance for every question.

So annoying to have to apply for probate though. I was the executor and the only beneficiary so purely a revenue gathering exercise in my view.

Take care.

Thanks all. I've made an appointment with a probate solicitor this week.
Gp has signed me off work until January and prescribed some sedatives.

Dd2 school have been incredibly caring and sensitive. Dd1 haven't and I'm raging about it. Trauma informed my arse.