Talk to me about DARVO technique

[MirandaPomander]

I've been feeling like things in my relationship were 'wrong' without being able to put my finger on why for years. I think there might be some subtle emotional manipulation going on sometimes.

Lately I've come to suspect that my DH is using the DARVO technique in difficult conversations, and even worse, he has started to do it with our older child. Any times an issue is raised with him he deflects it and reverses it back on the person who raised it and maintains that he is the victim.

Does anyone have experience of this with a partner? Was there any self awareness in them and/or coming back from this?

I think only a tiny minority of people who do it, do it consciously. I think the overwhelming majority honestly do believe they are always the victim (which is why they won't/don't change).

Who cares whether you can put a label or technique on it

your DH sounds like a twat And you have been unhappy for years.

what a way to live and now your children will have to endure it

I don’t think it’s a technique, more of a reflex reaction by people who never take responsibility for their actions.

Last week you started a thread about how you knew you had to leave your DH 😐

I did @Clearspring1 and sadly everything seems to be confirming my decision. I veer wildly between looking for hope and just wanting to be free from all the shit.

I wonder if I'd destroy myself trying to make him see sense.

It probably seems like I'm procrastinating over something where I should just take action, but I've spent years thinking that the problem was me so it's a big shift.

I don't think people do it consciously. Well, perhaps a tiny minority do but most of them genuinely have a victim mentality where everyone else is the problem and they lack the self awareness to see that they are part of the issue. Which is why they are unable (or unwilling) to change.

no “probably” about it

@Clearspring1 I need more of you in my life 😁

Or just look at your kids OP

surely that is motivation enough

I'm scared. If he's really doing this then I'm sacred that he'll make things as difficult as possible.

DH used to do it like a demon. He is actually not a narcissist himself but he grew up with a full blown narcissistic father and this is one of his father’s favourite behaviour traits that landed on him. We addressed it and now it is something he is aware of and when you call him out on it he accepts that he is doing it. When you call out a narcissist on the other hand, like DHs father, they double down and blame you for all of their behaviour and shortcomings. They use it as a weapon of control and manipulation.

That's interesting, how did you address it? And what was his response?

A bit like you @MirandaPomander it took a bit to spot it. He was pretty accomplished at deflecting his issues onto me. But once I started to see it for what it was I told him he was doing it and our elder daughter called him out on it at one stage too and it just clicked. It is very common for children of narcissists to have what are called fleas they have picked up from the narcissist but while narcissists don’t change at all, people with traits can. If someone lacks empathy and self reflection then change is really unlikely as both are necessary for change. To be honest I haven’t read your other thread but it does not sound like you are dealing with someone willing to address their issues based on what others are writing here.

I think I need to confront him and see what his response is and that will tell me what I need to know. I am starting to see some covert narcissistic traits which worries me.