So let me start by saying, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted in general. And I'm really really exhausted by adult friendships.
I feel like I must be a horrible horrible person, because I seem to upset my friends when I don't even know what I am doing.
I also realise other people are exhausted also.
I had a big falling out with my friend last year. And I realise she told me how I upset her but I never told her how she upset me. I was really struggling last year and falling apart at the seams. I couldn't cope with life and was very close to a genuine breakdown. I did tell her that part. We made up and fast forward to today she is ghosting me again, and I've no idea why.
It's got me thinking about adult friendships. I just don't expect it to be this hard. I feel like it's just so hard and it makes me want to throw huge iron walls around myself and never let anyone in again, because being lonely through choice has to feel better than being rejected.
I feel like I often get into these little spats with friends, even though I don't intend to upset anyone. Things that seem to upset other people, just aren't things I'd personally be upset over.
For example another friend was completely ignoring my messages. In the end I asked what was wrong and she said I didn't post a card for her husbands birthday. I wished her husband a happy birthday on the day but hadn't posted the card and was waiting to see him as we usually all go out together. After his birthday my friend was "busy" the multiple times I tried to meet up. Although this isn't something that would bother me at all, I can see it bothered her. So I apologised. I didn't forget I just thought we would see them soon and I would give their card then.
Now my other friend has just started to be a bit cold in messages, I asked if everything was OK and now I've been left on "read". I know her quite well so I so feel like, this is intentional.
I'm just exhausted by it all. Things my end have been hectic. I work full time, my partner is a shift worker in health care. I'm alone most weekends and evenings with a young child. I don't have a support network in terms of family. All this is OK with me. I signed up for it all! Although help and nights out would be nice, it's fine.
I feel my other friends get a lot of help and support and still enjoy nights out weekends away while family will have the children. This has caused issues in the past as they just do not understand not everyone has the same support network.
I also feel like, I've changed quite a bit. I don't want to go out clubbing or wasting money drinking all night and feeling like death in the morning. Its not fun anymore and I don't fit in with that kind of lifestyle.
I've also had so much going on this year. It's all been so stressful in most aspects. My husband tells me if I don't tell people they don't know. I do get that but I also feel a bit like, these people have known me for years, surely they should know I'm not a bad person. If I go quiet or don't message "how are you" it doesn't mean I don't care. I'm just overwhelmed.
I have a friend i see every few months, we dont speak often on whatsapp but occasionally meet on weekday evenings when childcare is easier for me. Its just lovely and easy. We can cancel plans on each other if we need to and never hold the other accountable for it. We go months without speaking and then meet up and are just happy to see each other. I want friendships like this. Without expectations or harboured resentment for god only knows what 🤦♀️
My question is. Are all adult friendships like this? I don't want to feel this way anymore.