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Original poster

What would you do for Christmas, just me and 20yo DS2?

20 replies

Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:06

We lost DH a few years ago, life is kind of going on for most of us, DS1 has a GF so we don't see so much of him and I've developed a busy social life, but DS2 is really struggling. Always introverted, he now sees no one and goes nowhere except work. Yes counselling etc has been suggested but he's not there yet.

Christmas isn't easy when youve lost someone anyway. I really can't leave DS2 all alone at Christmas (DS1 will probably have lunch with us but will be itching to get to GF's) but also the idea of spending the day in the house effectively alone because he won't want to interact is not appealing either. It would be easier if I was really on my own 😪 I also really worry about him, but I can't force him to have help.

My sister has invited us but that involves at least one overnight stay and both DSs will be working except Christmas Day.

What can I do to make it some sort of "occasion"?

OP posts:
Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:11

If it was just me I'd either go to my sister's, gather a few single friends (although I think most do have somewhere to be) or run away on holiday.

OP posts:
EveryKneeShallBow · 30/10/2023 11:17

Why don’t you book a lovely break somewhere for you and your son? Or go out for lunch? Or invite the friends and your son’s girlfriend over and do whatever you’d like to do - lunch, tv, games, country walk, whatever is your style. I was widowed at Christmas three years ago, but I refuse to let that spoil what has always been a favourite time of year.

Russoooooo · 30/10/2023 11:18

Where are you based? Could you plan a lovely long walk (up a fell or along a beach?) ending with hot chocolate / fire / pub meal?

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Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:21

EveryKneeShallBow · 30/10/2023 11:17

Why don’t you book a lovely break somewhere for you and your son? Or go out for lunch? Or invite the friends and your son’s girlfriend over and do whatever you’d like to do - lunch, tv, games, country walk, whatever is your style. I was widowed at Christmas three years ago, but I refuse to let that spoil what has always been a favourite time of year.

We can't go away because he's working the day before and after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:22

I could invite GF but they'd be coming where there's me and DS2 who barely speaks, compared to being in a lively family home full of fun at her family.

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ohyesohyesoh · 30/10/2023 11:23

Can you turn it on its head and have a VERY different Christmas Day?
If you always have Turkey plus all the trimmings , have a curry. Or a big old fry up.
Try not to replicate past Christmas days.
I would be going out for a walk and would
Try and time in a drink at a local pub with your DS.
Ask him to compromise - he wouldn't normally go out to the pub but as it's a 'special' day could he make the exception?

Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:23

Russoooooo · 30/10/2023 11:18

Where are you based? Could you plan a lovely long walk (up a fell or along a beach?) ending with hot chocolate / fire / pub meal?

I'll probably will end up doing something like that but DS2 won't want to come so I don't feel I can go out all day.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/10/2023 11:24

Invite both ds1 and gf ds2 to yours, or out to lunch.

Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:27

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/10/2023 11:24

Invite both ds1 and gf ds2 to yours, or out to lunch.

Would you want to come in GF's shoes, compared to a lively family Christmas at her house? I can see the threads now.

I don't want to be a mum/MIL who places demands on them because I'm a widow.

OP posts:
Russoooooo · 30/10/2023 11:28

It sounds really tough. I can imagine I will be in a similar position in a few years (single parent with one extrovert DS likely to latch on to a more outgoing family, and one introvert autistic DS likely to want to stay near me).

Does DS like other people being around, even if he won’t actually speak to them?

If so, you could host some sort of ‘waifs and strays’ get together? “Anyone else likely to be alone at Christmas? Me and DS would love to have you over for board games and food…”

Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:38

Russoooooo · 30/10/2023 11:28

It sounds really tough. I can imagine I will be in a similar position in a few years (single parent with one extrovert DS likely to latch on to a more outgoing family, and one introvert autistic DS likely to want to stay near me).

Does DS like other people being around, even if he won’t actually speak to them?

If so, you could host some sort of ‘waifs and strays’ get together? “Anyone else likely to be alone at Christmas? Me and DS would love to have you over for board games and food…”

DS would absolutely hate that. He wouldn't speak all day 😪

OP posts:
seulement · 30/10/2023 11:46

I'm in a similar situation, except divorced and DS is 10. We are planning to meet up with another family for lunch and then spend the afternoon with them, so very different to what we have done previously but with enough familiar stuff first thing so as not to un-nerve DS, who would prefer his Dad to be coming over all day but I can't cope with that (he is abusive).

So is there a compromise between what you'd all like to do that will meet everyone's needs a bit, but also leave time for DS being quiet and you for doing what you want? Could you do Christmas breakfast at yours and then DS1 and GF go off for their day? Or could the four of you celebrate on Christmas Eve and then you and DS2 do your own things on Christmas Day, or part of it?

Original poster
Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:51

seulement · 30/10/2023 11:46

I'm in a similar situation, except divorced and DS is 10. We are planning to meet up with another family for lunch and then spend the afternoon with them, so very different to what we have done previously but with enough familiar stuff first thing so as not to un-nerve DS, who would prefer his Dad to be coming over all day but I can't cope with that (he is abusive).

So is there a compromise between what you'd all like to do that will meet everyone's needs a bit, but also leave time for DS being quiet and you for doing what you want? Could you do Christmas breakfast at yours and then DS1 and GF go off for their day? Or could the four of you celebrate on Christmas Eve and then you and DS2 do your own things on Christmas Day, or part of it?

I'm sure there is and when he was 10 I'd have just told him what we were doing (after some discussion) but I'm not sure I can force anything on a 20yo?

It's so hard, he's an adult, but because of how he is, I still feel I need to be there. If I asked he'd tell me to go out and leave him, but he always tells me what he thinks I want to hear.

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 30/10/2023 11:51

Let him be, have your lunch with both DSs as your Christmas event.
Take yourself for a walk or a long bath/read whatever you would enjoy and let him stay home and chill.

He's knows you're there and that's enough.

EveryKneeShallBow · 30/10/2023 11:53

Icefoot · 30/10/2023 11:21

We can't go away because he's working the day before and after.

Show quote history

Ah yes, of course. I read that, then did the classic ignorant MN and suggested it anyway. I would ask your son what he’d like to happen, and if he’s not forthcoming with ideas, then I think you should just do what you want to do, and he can join in or not.

Notalldogs23 · 30/10/2023 11:59

I think you need to what will make your son comfortable but try to put a Christmas spin on it. So lunch and presents with both sons, and you can reminisce about your husband, then son 1 goes to his girlfriends, while you and son 2 go for a walk, then put Christmas pj's on and watch a film and have turkey sandwiches. It's one day, but I think you need to help son 2 through it, as he's not coping.

LessonsInPhysics · 30/10/2023 11:59

Mayhemmumma · 30/10/2023 11:51

Let him be, have your lunch with both DSs as your Christmas event.
Take yourself for a walk or a long bath/read whatever you would enjoy and let him stay home and chill.

He's knows you're there and that's enough.

This. Hard as it is, this is enough.
If he's working both sides of it, he might just want to chill.
Anything you could maybe watch together in the evening with some nice chocolates?

seulement · 30/10/2023 12:15

I hear you @Icefoot I wasn't thinking of forcing anything on him, just giving everyone - you and DS2/GF included - options for spending time together/celebrating or not so that you all get something out of the festive days.

That way he gets to choose what he wants to do, or not do, and so do you...no one is held back by others' preferences or feels they have to join in for more than a few hours if they can't cope with it; it divides the day(s) up so that any enforced Christmas Jollity (or the perception of it) is manageable, not a day-long endurance.

I do completely understand the challenge of balancing what you want/need to do for yourself with the need to care for and support your DS - but there does need to be a balance as you need to survive/cope with/enjoy the holidays as well!

Notcontent · 30/10/2023 12:49

I think in the circumstances maybe just plan some nice food but don’t put too much pressure on yourself - try to have a relaxed day and maybe see some friends or your sister on Boxing Day?

I am also alone with teen DD for Christmas. For various reasons the last two years it’s just been us for Christmas. I am ok with it now but I try to avoid dwelling on it too much.

Flyhigher · 30/10/2023 21:47

Can you get invited to gf house?

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