Am I being unfair and inflexible?

[heyomayo]

Since a few years before she had my niece, my relationship with my sister has been strained. She has always scrutinised me, from my career choices to relationship choices to the colour I dye my hair but it’s extreme and goes beyond what most siblings would do, and she puts me down about it. No idea why. I’ve tried all sorts, from ignoring it to calmly saying ‘please don’t say that’ etc but it continues and she does not try to understand. If I properly tell her ‘you are being unkind, please stop it’ she will fly off the handle, accuse me of looking for trouble and sulk for days.

I want to know my niece who is only a baby and soon to be another DN but it’s impossible. I have tried to arrange to meet them many times at their convenience, transferred money for takeaways, bought gifts for the baby and always offering to go to them as I appreciate it’s not easy with a baby but it’s declined each and every time. The only window that works for them is 7-8am, apparently. Any later and they’re busy and past 3pm is bedtime routine starting. 7-8am doesn’t work for me due to my job which she knows but sister does not budge and says her baby is important enough that ‘anyone who values them will find time that suits them’.

It’s getting impossible and there is no compromise she’s happy with. I can’t even come round to see just her once the baby is in bes. We don’t have kids yet - hopefully soon - so I can’t begin to appreciate what it is like.

I saw my niece yesterday by chance at my parents house and sister made a big theatrical performance to the baby saying, ‘wow, who is this, you have no idea who this stranger is, do you?’. It was a really animated and strange thing to say in such a high pitch and tense tone, like she was annoyed. I got to babys level and tried to say hello to baby and baby smiled, then she immediately whisked her away and put her in a carrier. She’s 11mo. It could be PPD or PPA but as I say she has seemed to try and control situations for a few years before the baby so I’m not sure it’s totally relevant.

What do I do? Have I just to step back? I don’t really like her behaviour or how it’s making me feel but I know my niece will never be this little again, and don’t want to miss crucial time.

thank you x

Have you spoken to your parents? I’m sorry it sounds difficult.

They have noticed it as it’s really obvious. They don’t like it and feel upset by it, but don’t really know how to deal with it - whenever it’s approached it causes a humungous row

That’s too bad that your niece is going to miss out on having someone else who loves her in her life.

Honestly, your sister doesn’t want you involved. I have 3 kids and there was loads of hours in the day for people I cared about to come visit, so she could easily make it happen if she wanted to.

Is the little one ever at your parents house where you could spend time with her?

Thank you this is kind. The bizarre part is my sister cries to other people saying nobody wants to be involved in my niece’s life, except her grandparents (my parents). Nobody is interested or puts in an effort and we’re all disinterested and unfair etc. I can’t even begin to say that’s not true as she says I’m then gaslighting her! It messes with my head x

She's putting blockers in place to see how far you'll go, like she's testing your love. Are you younger? Is your relationship with your sister quite subservient?

Yes I’m younger by quite a bit. I never thought of this. It does feel like a test though, lots of things with her always does. She has asked me to ‘step up’ as her sister before - in a different context!

I could accept if she didn’t want me having anything to do with her… but it’s more, she pushes me away and makes it as hard as possible for me to do anything and then complains and behaves like the victim when I’m not jumping through all the hoops, I guess

Others have noticed but I don’t want to walk away while ever she is saying I’m not interested, because I am. Surelt she sees it too

Just giving it a bump