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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

9 replies

Thegreatprocrastinator001 · 28/10/2023 21:42

Please can I get some balanced views?? Today after walking the dog we stopped via the supermarket to buy stuff for breakfast, with partner staying in the car to look after the dog. He said to be quick because he also needed to nip in to get some cash from his account from their ATM. I offered to get it out for him and he refused. I said, what don't you trust me? And he freaked out and told me to fuck off. We've been together 9 years and used to share our finances even though I earn more, but he always lends his ex partner money (mother of their 11 year old) which he never gets back so years and years ago we decided to have a joint account which we both put equal amount in for mortgage etc and then our own separate accounts. So today with that reaction I got suspicious and asked him what he's hiding from me. I know he gambles and always lends the ex money so this isn't the issue. I ended up saying to him that the way he's acting makes me think he has some secret and that how can we share a life together (we are meant to be engaged) of he has secrets but he held firm and I ended up saying I don't want a relationship on these grounds. He said fine and now we aren't talking. Am I in the wrong here? Now I'm.imagining all sorts, only fans, online dating etc!! Am I overthinking and unreasonable??

OP posts:
junbean · 28/10/2023 21:53

Why would someone need cash for online transactions?

IMO it doesn't matter what it's for, it's the fact he told you to fuck off. I couldn't stay with someone who treated me that way. There's no trust there (on his side I mean) or respect.

Original poster
Thegreatprocrastinator001 · 29/10/2023 01:18

Thanks for your view! I mean, he needed cash from the cash point so I offered to get it out for him while I was in the supermarket and that's when he went all weird, I guess because he didn't want me looking at his transactions, not that I would have. But his reaction got me suspicious so I asked him to show me his online banking which is what he refused to do. He isn't skint so it's not that he's run up a load of debt or anything, and I don't think he'd have an affair, but maybe some online thing?? Or am I overthinking it all and being ridiculous? And yes I know, I was shocked when he told me to fuck off!

OP posts:
DinosaurOfFire · 29/10/2023 01:31

So to clarify- he wanted to go to the cash point, with his card and his pin, to take out money from his solo account.
You offered to go, with his pin, and his card, to take cash out from his solo account.
He said no.
You then asked to see his online banking to prove you could trust him.
He said no.
And now you aren't speaking because you said that if he doesn't show you, you don't feel like you can be in a relationship.

It seems like quite the escalation when he was, legally, right not to give you the pin and card (one of the terms and conditions of bank cards is that you don't let anyone else have the PIN).

Him swearing at you is a seperate issue in my opinion, as only you know if the swearing at you is out of character/ a one off in an argument or not, either way that's not ok though.

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Peoplemakemedespair · 29/10/2023 01:35

DinosaurOfFire · 29/10/2023 01:31

So to clarify- he wanted to go to the cash point, with his card and his pin, to take out money from his solo account.
You offered to go, with his pin, and his card, to take cash out from his solo account.
He said no.
You then asked to see his online banking to prove you could trust him.
He said no.
And now you aren't speaking because you said that if he doesn't show you, you don't feel like you can be in a relationship.

It seems like quite the escalation when he was, legally, right not to give you the pin and card (one of the terms and conditions of bank cards is that you don't let anyone else have the PIN).

Him swearing at you is a seperate issue in my opinion, as only you know if the swearing at you is out of character/ a one off in an argument or not, either way that's not ok though.

To clarify they’ve been together almost a decade, shared expenses and finances, she earns more, and he’s got a gambling and throwing money at his ex habit. And now all of a sudden she’s not allowed to even withdraw money from his account as a favour to him? Pull your head out of your arse, there’s something he doesn’t want her to see

MarieKlepto · 29/10/2023 01:40

Oh. Any chance if you'd gone and got the cash out for him and got the balance slip, that the balance would have been surprisingly high or low? I've done it occasionally for my elderly MIL and always get a balance slip for her.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 29/10/2023 01:42

DinosaurOfFire · 29/10/2023 01:31

So to clarify- he wanted to go to the cash point, with his card and his pin, to take out money from his solo account.
You offered to go, with his pin, and his card, to take cash out from his solo account.
He said no.
You then asked to see his online banking to prove you could trust him.
He said no.
And now you aren't speaking because you said that if he doesn't show you, you don't feel like you can be in a relationship.

It seems like quite the escalation when he was, legally, right not to give you the pin and card (one of the terms and conditions of bank cards is that you don't let anyone else have the PIN).

Him swearing at you is a seperate issue in my opinion, as only you know if the swearing at you is out of character/ a one off in an argument or not, either way that's not ok though.

You missed the bit where he told her to FUCK OFF!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2023 01:46

(we are meant to be engaged)

Meant to? You are or you're not, and after nine years and a joint mortgage I would think you'd know.

Your relationship is doomed. That's the truth.

Original poster
Thegreatprocrastinator001 · 29/10/2023 18:28

Thanks all.. I would have just got the cash out and that's it. The fact he jumped down my throat raised my suspicions.. we have sort of reached an impasse really, at loggerheads. He swears it's nothing sexual or unfaithful and who knows but I don't really have a choice but to trust him on that, even though there's definitely something he's hiding. I just hope it's not some huge debt or something. I don't know. I've said it's hurting that he doesn't want the same open and honest reli that I want, but we've left it at that, and if there's stuff I want private in future then I'll keep it that way. It has definitely chipped my confidence in our relationship though.

OP posts:
Balancedcitizen101 · 28/12/2024 16:16

YANBU. Fuck off is never great 9 years in although I admit myself and partner do it now and again and we are 14 years in. If he is not serious about the relationship then maybe consider ending it? I have briefly been addicted to low stakes gambling (in person only, this was 10+years ago and I did not have a fancy phone then)...and it is hard to kick the habit, the only way is cold turkey I would say. So he needs to turn it around, or you probably end it in my opinion.

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