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So worried about DD's behaviour at nursery

8 replies

EvenLess · 27/10/2023 22:27

DD is nearly 4, and a wonderful, clever and sparky little girl. I have often found her behaviour quite challenging. She finds it difficult to regulate her emotions, and is going through a stage of really poor behaviour at nursery.

She's been hitting, kicking, biting and today she was even spitting, which I feel awful about 😢. It's not every day, but more often than not that she's having a bad day. She skips in quite happy and I remind her of behavioural expectations every day. I hate to think of her hitting other children. After a difficult morning, she was apparently great all afternoon, helping and comforting another little one who was crying.

We were seeing this behaviour at home lots earlier in the year, but over the past few months things have really improved. A lot has happened this year- my Dad was ill and died in really difficult circumstances, DH got made redundant, I went back to work, she had to change nurseries. While I've tried to shield her from as much of the stress as possible, maybe I haven't done enough.

After lots of negative reports at pick up over the last few weeks, I got the nursery to meet with me yesterday to discuss strategies. They said they were really concerned about her behaviour, but couldn't tell me what's triggering it so have now agreed to keep a diary of incidents and to call me to handover, rather than give me a negative report at the door. I've also asked them to involve the council SENCO.

My question is, I suppose, is what happens if things don't improve? Can they ask us to leave? If it's our parenting, or there's a SEN to consider, I need to know one way or another. I'm just so worried about her 😢

OP posts:
EvenLess · 27/10/2023 22:28

We've worked hard on getting her to name her feelings, and trying to find strategies to work through difficult moments. I just don't know if I'm getting it all wrong.

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EvenLess · 28/10/2023 09:34

Just bumping this, would be very grateful to hear advice or similar experiences.

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Anewuser · 28/10/2023 09:39

You’re right to get the senco involved. A bunch of randoms on a forum can’t diagnose (even if there are sen).

Working on getting her to understand her ‘zones of regulation’ may help in the meantime.

I know how difficult it must be and how overwhelmed you must feel.

TinyBearCub · 28/10/2023 09:43

I don't have any advice to offer but it sounds like you are doing all the right things after what will have been a stressful year for your daughter however much you tried to shield her. Honestly, you sound like a great mother, switched on to your child's needs and advocating for her.

EvenLess · 28/10/2023 10:12

Thank you. It's really nice to hear some supportive words. DH is lovely but going through a lot himself and a bit clueless about this sort of thing. I will work on the zones of regulation.

It's sad, because her new nursery can't see the progress she's made, so it feels like they've written her off a bit. At the beginning of the year she refused to even look at the potty, I couldn't even get her to walk down the road with me without a tantrum, and she continually hit me and told me she didn't like me and other people close to us, and she only wanted Daddy. It hurt, but am pretty sure it was her only way of showing her feelings about the horrible circumstances we were dealing with as a family.

We've gone from that to her being nearly 100% potty trained, her happily walking to nursery with me and chatting away and being able to show empathy and kindness. Obviously this doesn't negate the poor behaviour, and other children need to be kept safe. But we've moved on so much in the past 6 months. I just want her to be happy 😢

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JuniperRoo · 15/05/2024 20:21

@EvenLess how are you getting on with your Dd? I’m in the exact same position and it’d be great to hear some advice or foresight ?

FaeryRing · 15/05/2024 20:31

What have you actually tried to improve her behaviour?

EvenLess · 18/08/2024 21:24

JuniperRoo · 15/05/2024 20:21

@EvenLess how are you getting on with your Dd? I’m in the exact same position and it’d be great to hear some advice or foresight ?

Hello, I'm so sorry I only just saw that you replied to this old thread. I hope things are better for you now and your DC.

Things are much easier for us now. DD was assessed by the HV and we saw the GP and they advised watchful waiting, but said they felt she was fine as her behaviour has much improved. She starts school in September, and they are going to keep an eye on the situation too.

In hindsight, I think a lot of her behaviour was related to her picking up on the stress levels at home. She's a very sensitive and intuitive child, and even though I did my best to shield her she knew something was wrong. I was dealing with a bereavement, caring responsibilities, becoming estranged from family members following my DF's death and had been living with an eating disorder for many years. On top of going back to work. It was too much to cope with.

I am now taking better care of myself, and have been fortunate enough to make the choice to give up my job (couldn't carry on with it anyway from September due to childcare issues). I think DD was behind where she should have been emotionally but had also been through a lot. She's a strong willed child but much more open to negotiation now and listens well, and is genuinely a joy to be around. Her key workers keep saying how sad they are she is leaving next week.

Don't be afraid to ask for help- I have been very open with her new school about our past issues, and they have so far been very accommodating and we are going to meet a couple of weeks into the term to review.

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