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Original poster

Widow wanting to move

22 replies

NikiMichelle · 27/10/2023 21:04

I sadly lost my husband in July 22 after a brutal 6 month battle with cancer. He had a brain tumour.
I'm doing Ok but would like to move house as I'm finding that despite the changes I've made in the past 15 month, this house and the painful memories of his illness - falls and seizures are upsetting.

I was going to wait but a house has come up in an area I'd like to live in. It's more suited to our needs with 2 bathrooms and ample parking for my adult children. All sounds good except my adult children don't want to move house. My 23 year old daughter has returned from Uni and my 20 year old son is in his 2nd year.

So I'm in 2 minds - do I cave in to them and risk them controlling and vetoing other decisions and live in an unhappy democracy or do I seize this opportunity?
I guess I feel trapped in this house waiting for the right time when they are ready to move on ....

Any advice welcome

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 27/10/2023 21:07

You move.
You're going to be there long term. They're going to lead their own lives, which will mean moving out.

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 21:08

I think you should stay in the house for 12 months before you move, for the kids.

Floralnomad · 27/10/2023 21:11

It’s your house so if you want to move , you move . Your children can either move with you or find themselves somewhere else .

muddyford · 27/10/2023 21:11

I think you should move. My DH has had some horrific falls here and when the inevitable happens I shall be off and away from the sad memories.

Backinthedress · 27/10/2023 21:14

Is it because they're scared of losing memories? Feel like they're losing another piece of him? I think you should move, but maybe some joint counselling with them to talk it through?

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2023 21:16

You move when you feel ready to move.

Your children have lost their Dad but they don't have the same memories of his illness in this house you do because you'll have done all you can to shelter them from it.

Isanyonereallyanonymous · 27/10/2023 21:21

Have you seen the house in person?
I wouldn’t rock the boat yet if I hadn’t actually viewed to establish if it was an option.
Do your children understand your reasoning for the move? As suggested above maybe some joint counselling might help?
How often do houses of that type come up in the area - if you passed this one by for another year (for your youngest to finish uni and give time for the idea to sink in with them both) will another be likely to come up?
Equally is your current house likely to need any major work in the near future that you might want to avoid having to undertake?

Id be slightly inclined to say you pull rank here as it’s your house and it was your husband but obviously with a bit more tact!

Original poster

NikiMichelle · 27/10/2023 21:35

Thank you and Yes, I shielded them from as much as possible. My daughter was at uni so only saw his last few weeks

OP posts:

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 27/10/2023 21:41

Oh bless you all what a tricky situation.

My first thought is they’ve lost their Dad, which is enough upheaval just for now. But obviously it must be so hard for you in there.

Maybe share a little with them about what is was actually like so they can get some understanding about why you need to do this.

I really hope you can find a solution that works for you all.

Original poster

NikiMichelle · 27/10/2023 21:42

Thank you some good points - @Isanyonereallyanonymous I haven’t seen the house yet. Yes they come up but I’d seen this one up for sale last year & thought that would be ideal but it’s the wrong time,
my current house is 170 years old and needs a new bathroom, new kitchen and repointing. All the work is daunting.
if it’s not right I’ll leave moving for now. I have floated the idea with them both but obviously going to view another house is another matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

NikiMichelle · 27/10/2023 21:54

Thank you @muddyford it’s been 15 months and I remember where every fall and seizure happened. I’ve tried changing and redecorating but I still want to leave
so sorry you are having a similar horrible experience

OP posts:

MumofSpud · 27/10/2023 22:24

I am in a v similar position as you - except I have one DC left at home
I have bought somewhere else - downsizing - DH died a year ago
Your DC aren't even living full time with you but I suspect that they see the move as another reminder that their dad has really gone and it is this they are (understandably) having difficulties with.

Malbecmama · 27/10/2023 22:33

This must be so difficult, so many emotions in the fabric of your home. If you feel ready to move, I think go ahead and your children will surely join you. You have a right to be happy and let go of the painful times. They have their futures ahead of them and could be living elsewhere in the near future x

BaronessBomburst · 27/10/2023 22:44

Have they always lived in the same house? Did they grow up there?
I remember the feeling when DM sold my (teenage) childhood home. And the same feeling when my grandma sold her home to downsize. Something had been ripped away. So I do understand. And I was in my 30s both times and had my own home. They're younger and have lost their father. It will be painful. My first post was quite blunt, sorry.
Unfortunately it's still something that you need to do. They will come to terms with it.

YireosDodeAver · 27/10/2023 22:49

I think you should go for it. You need to do what works for you. My parents moved when I was 18, then again when I was 21 and again when I was 24, each time to a new city. It never occurred to me and my siblings that we might have any kind of vote on these decisions. It was fundamentally never our call to make.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 27/10/2023 23:34

I don't think you can expect anyone who hasn't experienced it to understand the tension between leaving good memories behind, and being reminded on a daily if not hourly basis of the most horrific time of your life. If you think that moving is right for you then I think you should do it. Your children may need some skilled outside help to understand where you're coming from and to deal with their own issues about their father's death. If you can somehow facilitate this, in the long run that will be much better for all of you than giving in and staying put.

muddyford · 28/10/2023 08:29

NikiMichelle · 27/10/2023 21:54

Your understanding message made me cry. I feel the same way. Thank you.

TreesWelliesKnees · 28/10/2023 08:49

My DH died in our old house when my children were young. I tried for three years to make it work - redecorated etc. I wanted to keep the stability for them. But one day I just decided my own wellbeing mattered, for all of us. The relief when I moved into where I am now was enormous. My whole body relaxed. We are a happier family as a result. One child took a while to adjust, but he was young. Your children are adults. They should be able to understand your reasons if you explain openly. They should want you to be happy, especially if they plan to live in your house.

Isometimeswonder · 28/10/2023 08:55

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 21:08

I think you should stay in the house for 12 months before you move, for the kids.

She has stated 15 months already

cheezncrackers · 28/10/2023 09:00

Go and see the potential new house - you don't have to tell them you're doing it. There may be things about it that you realise won't work or don't suit or that there are things you'd want to fix, etc, so no point rocking the boat unnecessarily. But if, after seeing it, you're resolved to move, I would move because sod's law dictates that if this house is perfect and you don't buy it, you'll never find another one that's as good.

Original poster

NikiMichelle · 28/10/2023 19:35

Thanks @TreesWelliesKnees I’m glad your move worked it’s reassuring to hear that. I hadn’t thought about my mental well being making a difference for my family but I think it will. My son has been struggling and maybe it will help him too.

OP posts:

Original poster

NikiMichelle · 28/10/2023 19:37

Thanks @cheezncrackers a very valid point - if it’s perfect I need to seize the day!

OP posts:

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