I have a 4 year old daughter with my ex of 13 years, I split up with him early on this year because he was abusive (not physical) an alcoholic and narcissistic. People ask me if he was a good dad and I say yes because my daughter enjoys playing with him and they do have fun together but then I think to myself, is a man a good father if he abuses the mother of his child? The answer is NO! What most women dont realise when they are living the nightmare is, just because it isn't physical violence it doesn't mean gaslighting, manipulation, threatening emotional and financial abuse isn't just as bad.
When he finally moved out of the house he took the little belongings he had in the house (because I bought everything that made a house a home) all he had were his clothes and books. He also took my daughters most favourite cuddly toy which I didn't realise at the time, so for weeks she was crying looking for her favourite cuddly toy only to find out 2 months later during half term that he had taken it and refuses to give it back because he wants it as a keep sake, am I just being petty here or is that weird and selfish of him to not give it back to her?
He moved to his parents which is quite far away, he claims Universal Credit and doesn't pay rent or bills because he doesn't have a job (hasn't for a long time now) so his excuse for not being able to see our daughter during term time is because he cant justify the time of travel and cost, instead he would just see her during half terms and holidays.
He said, the only way he can see her during term time is if I would let him stay in my house (its a rental by the way) and I of course said no, he needs to find his own accommodation. So because I wont let him stay in my house, he is using that as a reason for not being able to see his daughter, putting the blame on me once again. If I advise him to get a job, like everyone else, then he would come down on me like thunder and lightening and tell me what a manipulative bitch I am, and how dare I make him feel guilty etc.
So instead he will just continue to sponge off UC and his mum (who has to come out of retirement and work part time to support her 37 year old man child).
I try to protect my daughter from all of this so I dont speak ill of her father to her but when she asks me why daddy hasn't come to see her, will my daughter realise that this explanation doesn't add up? "daddy is living with grandma and is looking for a job so he can afford to pay for a train ticket to come see you" how long does it take for an able bodied man to find a job in this day and age? Biggest labour shortage since the Second World War and non of them good enough to stand up to his image?
He doesn't pay child maintenance so wanted me to take my daughter half way down the country and hand her over to him for half term and to pick her up half way too which I have done but its cost me a lot of money, money I could have spent on food for 3 weeks! I work part time so have little money myself to keep doing this in the long run and he refuses to come pick her up himself. I only went ahead with it because if I didn't then my daughter wouldn't see him at all.
Right, I could rant on all day, but you get the point. If anyone has advice on how to manage this going forward, please do share 🙏