Most upset/offended when other people are criticised?

[Foodorder]

I've have a really hard couple of years with some life changing events. As so often in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not the people I expected. The people I thought were my good friends disappeared but others have really stepped up and I'm beginning to build a new and interesting life for myself.

Some of the new friends who've been really good to me are men, one of whom is married. We are both very respectful of that. He clearly adores his wife, I've never heard him say a bad word about her and I've never seen him exhibit any behaviour at all that might threaten their relationship. Even after quite a lot to drink, he remains kind and respectful. I've never actually spent any time alone with him, but he's become a valued part of the core group I spend most of my social time with these days. Dw doesn't like going out, so he comes alone. They do loads of daytime things together as a couple (no kids) but she's happy for him to come out and e.g. see a band without her because she doesn't want to come. I know and like her a lot too.

Anyway I was chugging along, not always finding life easy, a bit hurt about the way old friends have been, but feeling grateful for the way my new life is shaping up when I've heard there's been gossip about how inappropriate my friendship with this man is.

I genuinely don't care what people think of me (I'm past that now) but I'm furious that people could say such things about friend whose behaviour has been exemplary and really upset that this might hurt his wife, who is lovely.

It doesn't matter, no one who matters cares, friend and DW are laughing it off (at least outwardly) but I'm really struggling to move past this. I feel I've it's set back my "recovery" by months.

Is it normal to be more hurt on behalf of others than yourself?

Just me then 😆

It's happened before, I'm much more likely to fall out with someone because they've treated a friend badly than because they wronged me, which I can usually let go.

Well done on starting over. You certainly do find out who your friends really are and never the ones you think.

It's very sad people can't see a genuine friendship for what it is and they had the option to be close friends with you.

Maybe it's jealousy you have a good friend now and have less time for them, even though you're just reciprocating a good friendship when they chose to fall by the wayside?

I'm sure there is an element of jealously, but really I'm most interested in my response tonight. This slight against my friend who's been so good to me has hurt me much more than gossip about me. If his wife was less secure it could have been really harmful.

It's unfair on everybody and a shame with everything going on in the world, when people are genuine friends that others would attempt to spoil that.

Yes I know what you mean OP. I think for me it’s that I have no control of the situation to protect someone I care about. If someone is doing something to or saying something about me then I feel like I can face that and deal with it, take control by not letting itself care about it etc. When they are hurting me by going after someone I care about I can’t protect them and I feel much more hurt and angry about it. My loved ones may be more than capable of protecting themselves but watching it happen because of me (though not my fault) is much harder.

*myself not itself

Hang on, who is spreading the malicious gossip? The other new friends in your circle?

I think that's a pretty normal response in this scenario? This gossip is hurtful to your feelings but it could do some actual damage to your friend's marriage. I think a lot of people would be more concerned about their friend.

No, apparently we're the talk of our large extended circle, which includes the old friends.

But no one who matters, though — it’s not like your new friends are going sour on you? You know you aren’t doing anything wrong, your friend isn’t, his wife is perfectly happy with the friendship — all this is surely the key thing?

Maybe that's what's upset me so much, the fact that if friend's wife couldn't deal with the gossip he might step away.