My friend is having an affair and it's changed how I feel about her

[ICanNeverRememberThatLine]

My really good friend is having an affair with a married man. My friend is married too. She has young children, so does the man she has been seeing. It's been going on for about 6 months now.
The affair was actually outed about 4 months ago. My friend then decided to separate from her husband. He was devastated. They are still living together for financial reasons. To be honest I think she toys with his emotions a little, giving him hope that their marriage could be salvaged.
For a while she didn't see the other man but things have started back up between them even though he is supposed to be making it work with his wife.
My friend just does not seem to consider anyone's feelings anymore, apart from her own. She talks poorly of this man's wife all of the time and really does not seem to want to spend quality time with her children anymore.
I'm really struggling to be a good friend to her because this is all so against my morals. My empathy goes out to her husband the the man's wife and my friend does not like this. I feel inauthentic around her now and really have to filter what I say. However, I feel so guilty that I am being a bad friend, because I really feel I am distancing myself.
It has gotten to the point where I am considering ending our friendship but this would be so sad, we have been close friends for over 25 years.
She knows how I feel but it's also all she ever wants to talk about.
Has anyone any advice that has been in a similar situation?

Well, surely it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it matters whether you feel this is a friendship dealbreaker.

I'd find it hard to stay friends with her too.

Would be friendship over for me. I couldn't be friends with someone behaving in such a despicable way. Sorry you're having to deal with this situation, OP. Best wishes.

Friendship over for me too. My friends are kind, compassionate and people I am proud to associate with.

I've been in a very similar situation and it ended our 30 year friendship. She was angry that I would not lie for her and give her 'alibi' so that she could carry on shagging the husband of a mutual friend (pregnant). It was an awful time for everyone, obviously in particular his wife and her husband.

They ended up setting up home together and split up within 8 weeks when he moved on to someone new.

YANBU at all.

I take the view that I'm friends with people because they bring something valuable to my life - they make me laugh, we care for each other, we have things in common etc. I try very hard not to judge them for the mistakes they make in other relationships. Or maybe I might judge them but I love them anyway, because they are my people. Much like I wouldn't disown one of my married children if they had an affair. It's not my business and it's not a betrayal of me. So I'd just be a friend.

People say 'friends won't judge' but I think there gets to a point sometimes where you decide you simply don't like a person any more and that's ok. I had a friend like this. She used people - especially guys. I guess you'd class her as a gold digger. For a long time she went from guy to guy taking whatever she could. She is very attractive and would not work for months/ years and live off whoever she was with. Some were married. Some she liked. Others just served a purpose.

For years, I just accepted that she was a bit messed up due to some childhood things. Plus most of the guys were shallow.

But she later became more and more manipulative. She was getting guys to pay her rent, healthcare, holidays. She even started on other women at one point. She was getting a bit older then so decided she needed to marry. She met this guy and told him she'd had cancer and could not work due to effects of her treatment. It wasn't 100% in true. She did have a mole removed. But that was the extent of her 'cancer'. He moved her in and eventually proposed. They got married and had a wedding with 200 people but she didn't invite any of her family or older friends who know she didn't have cancer. By the stage I just saw her. I didn't like her. We've not spoken since.

Years ago I left my husband for another man. A good friend of mine let me stay with her while the shit hit the fan, despite being deeply religious and I'm sure deeply disappointed in me. However, I had the courtesy not to talk about it / him and did not to try to justify myself. We are still friends and I appreciate her hugely but if I'd been gleeful and celebratory I'd have totally understood if she'd reacted differently.

The very best thing you can do in your life is be true to yourself OP. That could mean staying friends with her or not, it's your choice based on what's important to you.
You are obviously deeply unhappy with the way she's behaving. Don't override yourself by trying to ignore that. Can't see the point. She hasn't earned your loyalty really, has she?

This is the exact situation I am in at the moment as the betrayed wife (in fact, OP, the details are so on point I am wondering if your friend is cheating with my H, although I’m sure this is a tale as old as time). My view is obviously hugely coloured by my own position but I could not continue a friendship with someone who behaves like this. The devastation and pain the actions of my H and the OW have caused to both their families is enormous (I know, as I am in touch with the OW’s husband). Fundamentally, choosing to have an affair when you are married with kids is the ultimate selfish act - putting your own desires before the needs of your children and family. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone so selfish.

You’re not being a bad friend. She just doesn’t like that you’re holding a mirror up and forcing her to examine her own despicable behaviour from the perspective of a third party (rather than her own rose-tinted one “oh but we’re so in love, my husband is mean, his marriage is dead”). I have seen this with my STBXH - he hates the fact that I have told people what he has done and now won’t see or interact with anyone who knows (for example, refusing to drop our DC off at a party because I’ve confided in the mum - pathetic!).

I totally understand where you are coming from though, as the idea of losing such a long friendship is horrible. Perhaps if you distance yourself for a while and tell her you don’t want to talk about the affair etc. you will be able to maintain the friendship, albeit not such a close one, and you never know, she may come to her senses in time!

I have a friend who has had a very short fling with another man but has continued on a very long emotional affair with him. Over the years I have increasingly seen how she doesn't show much loyalty to anyone, not just her husband, and it has changed how I relate to her as I don't really trust her now either. I am also fairly sure this is down to some childhood stuff for her as well, but it doesn't change the fact that she seems to flit between people and use them to make her feel better.

Yes I had a friend do this, she wasn't the married party but had zero issue with proudly stating about it and giving zero ffff about the damage she was contributing to.

I was very clear that I didn't want to hear about it at all and didn't agree whatsoever with her actions. She went off on one and told me it wasn't my place to judge.
She stopped speaking to me I think because she didn't like me pointing out her morals on it. Soon after it blew up and she wanted sympathy which she got zero of and instead a simple what did you expect to happen!

We haven't spoken in a few years and actually my life is far more enjoyable without her and her dramas in it. Sounds like you would be the same!

I have ended a friendship over this because I can’t be friends with someone whose morals are so far from my own. It’s actually happened twice and both times the OM was married to a friend of theirs. So I feel that if someone can betray a friend so badly, why would I want to be friends with that person? They’ve shown that they’re selfish and untrustworthy and who wants to be around someone like that?

I’m not perfect but never in my life have I deliberately done something that I knew would hurt someone else.

I wouldn’t trust someone who thought it was acceptable to hurt so many people

Well, she has shown that she's a selfish and untrustworthy person that puts her own wants ahead of anyone else..... including her children.

I need to be able to trust my friends and respect them so this would be a deal-breaker for me.

Big dilemma, as you want to be true to what you believe in, and staying friends with this lady means the exact opposite of it. I've been in a similar situation in the past, which also made me see my friend differently. I thought about distancing myself from her, but felt bad, so I decided to disconnect from her, mentally and emotionally. As it turns out, she disconnected from me, too. We didn't fall out or anything, we just drifted apart. We barely talk now, TBH, and what I've come to realize is that, after seeing her true colors, there was no way we could continue to be friends. We still treat each other with respect when we do meet, but I'm 200% sure our friendship has run its course.

I have had friends connected to different things over the years so for example if my book group friend was having an affair it would not effect me as we are friends due to book group

A long term bff type friend no I could not remain friends with them, especially if our children and husbands were all friends type thing

Karma will come.

You can't destroy that many people and not have it bite you. He'll no doubt realise the grass isn't greener and end it eventually.

I could have written this exact thing 18 months ago !

the thing is we want to support our friends, which makes us more tolerant of their actions than we would say a stranger destroying all those people/ kids lives .

I still wonder if my friend was having some sort of breakdown- however once you get 6 months down the line and you are being used as cover and treated like rubbish you know to move on

This happened to me. I chose the husband and we’re still very good friends 20 years later. Zero regrets!

I don’t agree with many of the posts. I’ve been in your situation. I didn’t feel good about it at all, it really got to me - but also, who am I to judge anyone else? So, in the end we had a blanket rule that I didn’t want to know ANYTHING. She could do what she wanted, as long as I didn’t have to hear and feel compromised by it. That’s what happened. Our friendship has survived and thrived.

IMO, being a good friend means telling her about the error of her ways. I don't understand how you're being a good friend by letting her wax lyrical about being such a selfish and heartless person.

Friendship over for me too. I have very strong morals and beliefs over cheating. But this isn't really about the cheating, it's about her: "My friend just does not seem to consider anyone's feelings anymore, ". It's how she treats others.

I'd just step away, distance myself from her, and I doubt she'll ask, but if she dues you can tell her why.