Is there a kind or helpful way to say this?

[Foodorder]

A friend is going through a very nasty divorce. I obviously only get to hear one side, but he's refused mediation on anything, reported her drinking to social services, reported safeguarding concerns to the school resulting in them refusing to let her collect DC, all now closed by social care.

She's understandably distraught and angry, has lots to get off her chest, which she does often, with anyone who'll listen. I have coffee with her and others most weekends. She used to come alone, but now usually has DC with her, which is fine, except she spends a lot of time describing, in great detail how awful their father is, in front of them.

I'm finding that really difficult. I absolutely get she needs the outlet, but he's still their dad and all of this is going to impact on them. The little girl particularly just seems so sad. Last week various members of the group took steps to distract her, taking her to look at the ducks, go on the swings, general silliness etc but mum seems oblivious as to why we're doing it.

Is it possible to "have a word" without making things seem even worse for her?

Yes, it’s possible, and I would have a word, but only if it was a friend I could afford to lose. People take criticism of their parenting pretty badly, so be ready for that.

Yes, have a word. Be kind but direct and say, I completely understand why you need to let off steam about him, but not in their earshot. it's very upsetting to them and you need to protect their feelings as well as your own.

I think every time she started I’d stage whisper ‘Shh, Timmy’s just there…’ as if she didn’t mean to or hadn’t realised they were around. She’ll either click what she’s doing and stop, or if she’s doing it and doesn’t care will probably say ‘oh it didn’t matter, he knows he’s a dick’ which opens the conversation to ‘do you think it’s going to upset him though’ and so on. I’d go with questions rather than statements - ‘how do you think he feels about it’ etc - and if she tries to turn it around on you and asks what you think I’d be very non commital and say ‘well I haven’t been in your shoes so…’

Seems to me the only way you can do it without having to call her out, which could go really badly.

Tell her very seriously that if the child ever repeats anything she overhears to the father he will take it straight to family court and the judge there will punish her for alienation.

Judges will allow all sorts of vindictive harm perpetrated against women by their exs, but one whisper about an evil man and they throw the book at women.

Make sure she understands that family court judges will take children away from women they think are alienating the affections of the children. She needs to be extremely careful.

It sounds as if this woman is in dire need of a therapist so she can start to recover from the abuse she has suffered. Please urge her to call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247

I'd say 'look I totally get why you're so angry, but you'll make it harder for yourself if they listen to what you're saying because angry kids are a nightmare. Why don't we talk about other stuff now and I'll phone you later for a proper vent in private?'