Teenage DD’s relationship, to intervene or not.

[Luckymeluckyme]

Will try and keep this short and to the point.

Eldest DD 16 is a lovely girl, very creative and musical and fun.

Possibly not NT though never made it to referral stage and amongst other things can be quite intense in relationships and isn’t particularly good at reflecting internally. She is bright at school and has just started her A levels.

For context she does have a small part time job and a really lovely bunch of friends…

She is also in her second same sex relationship with a girl who she met at a (hobby) club.

The girl, who is the same age, is lovely as is her family but we seem to be on different pages when it comes to a healthy teenage relationship and in my opinion it’s becoming too much.

I have found out recently that the girl friend, who lives around 40 minutes away, parents are bringing her to sit in DD’s work for an hour or so (sometimes they stay sometimes they just drop off) apparently she just sits in DH’s café drinking coffee.

Sometimes she will get the 3 busses across to DD’s college to spend 50 minutes with her on a free period to then hang about to the end of DD’s college day get DD’s bus home and then her parents will pick her up.

There have been endless flower deliveries, younger siblings being messaged if GF can’t get hold of DD and middle DD told me yesterday that they have the phone on to each other all night so they can sleep beside each other.

Dd has also merged her into her school friend group, which make it quite easy for her to say oh it wasn’t me that Invited GF to the party/coffee/catchup it was DF.

The last straw has been this morning when I just found out that yesterday when I’d asked two DD’s to nip to the shop and given them some money to get a Costa as big of a autumn treat and DD arranged for GF to come and meet them (6 busses for half an hour l) and then pretty much ignored her sister and was pretty mean to her for rest of the trip.

I had a long term teenage boyfriend when I was DD’s age and do remember the intensity of being in love however my parents were so the other way and thought I should put him before my friends and life experiences and I remember one night in particularly him going home and arranging to meet up with some friends and my DM forbidding me from going saying don’t bother coming back here if you leave this house as she though I was being disloyal to him and so now not sure if I’m going too far the opposite way with DD.

I want to reiterate that I honestly have nothing against DD’s girl friend or relationship, she is a lovely girl but I want DD to have fun, be free, date, kiss, gossip with her friends, dream, work, gig and enjoy her teenage years. (though am trying to process that those are are wishes for DD and not necessarily her own)

I wondered how much you get involved with your teenagers relationships, do you just let them get on with it and if so how often do they see each other? How intense is too intense, how strict are you with encouraging healthy and age appropriate relationships, is just gently keeping the contact open or are there more rules.

Currently I have said to DD the phone is to come out her bedroom overnight for the time being and that we are cutting down on how often her DD and GF are seeing each other as she needs to concentrate on A levels and have more fun with her friends.

Personally, nothing good comes from interfering, I would let them get on with it. These things fizzle out naturally and it's not exam time.

Your final paragraph really made me roll my eyes. You cannot make her see the gf less, it'll just make them want it more (and potentially become sneaky about it!). She can do well at her a levels AND be a teenager in love, the two aren't mutually exclusive!

It'll fizzle out, don't get involved, and don't be that mum that turns their daughter against them by being too controlling.

House rules if you need to, eg no phones at dinner table, be courteous about letting you know when she'll be back/will be late etc but other than that I personally don't get involved in my college age DCs personal life, I wouldn't be taking a past school age 16 yos phone off them at night. At this age they need to be able to be motivated to do their a levels without parents forcing them etc. I have found for gcses and a levels that we come to a mutual understanding around studying etc, but ultimately its their responsibility.

It's horrible though, I would hate that level of intensity, no need at 16. Majority of 16 yos are not like this and I can imagine it's extremely stressful.

Her GF behaviour sounds a bit obsessive. You certainly could try to limit time if its affecting her study or causing problems at home but otherwise I think its best to let it be. Maybe it will fizz out or maybe DD will get sick of an over bearing GF and want out. It might be worth talking to her about what's normal in a healthy relationship, balancing friends and hobbies etc. Many many girls at that age get obsessive and ditch old friends, I saw it happen many times myself when I was younger

The only place I would interfere is at work. Your DDs boss will not want this girl hanging around distracting your DD from her job. DD could lose her job if she doesn’t tell her GF to back off from there.

Agree re pp about the job but everything else normal.

Relationships can be very intense at that age, and I'd let her get on with it with the proviso that she pays her own phone bills if on phone to GF all night, and as a PP said she needs to focus on work (both school, and work work).

It's sounds positive that she's not completely ditched her friends for the GF, and has instead merged her in.

I don't have children, OP, so I'm coming from a different perspective

When I was 16, I had quite an intense relationship with a boy - it was a bit similar to what you've described here but less intermingling with friendship groups and less phone contact (because it was 2001).

My mum didn't intervene as such but one day she very casually mentioned that she thought we were quite intense (can't remember her exact words) and said "These are the years to go nuts, don't waste them basically being married. You'll never get these years back".

It really stuck with me and we did dial down the relationship a lot until it fizzled out.
So what I mean is that perhaps it doesn't need an intervention so much as a well-timed, poignant bit of wisdom.

Thanks everyone.

I’d have a quiet word and then step back. Frankly, I’d really want to do what you describe in your last paragraph but I know that it would be erroneous.

You don’t want to give them Romeo and Juliet syndrome and add to the romance and the “us-against-the-world” of it all.