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Original poster

Tantrums in public.

15 replies

Paynefully · 25/10/2023 11:35

How is best to handle them?
my 4yo DD is finding it really hard when she’s told she can’t do or have something at the moment.. and it immediately explodes into a huge meltdown.

I usually try not to just say “no”
or “no not today” I try and use a softer version “hmm, well I counted my pennies and we haven’t got enough pennies to buy you a toy today. We will have to save some pennies and come back another day” but this either leads to “why?” “Please have enough pennies!” Or just a full “AGHUURRGGHHGAAAGHHHH I WANT IT THOUGH PLEASE MUMMY PLEASE AHHHH!”

I suffer quite badly from anxiety and this is worsened when attention is being drawn to me. I don’t want her to have these tantrums; but also I don’t want to spent the entire shopping trip trying to reason with my screaming toddler while everyone looks on.

it’s started to make me fear taking them out, I dread it when we have to go anywhere now. I’m just not sure where I’ve gone wrong when parenting. I’ve tried so hard not to parent how I was parented as I feared my dad growing up from all the shouting and punishments, taking things away.. breaking toys in front of us. But I’ve also tried to set boundaries and it just hasn’t seemed to work. I’m at my wits end.

OP posts:
Aldicrispsareshit · 25/10/2023 11:43

I just let them get on with it. I gently move them to a safer/quieter spot, apologise to anyone it affects and let them get on with it.

When they've calmed down lots of praise for calming down and a reinforcement of the "no" and an acknowledgement of their big feelings but that it's still a no.

mbosnz · 25/10/2023 11:46

I had a thing (actually we still do, it's a running family joke now they're 18 and 20, lol), where I'd say, yes, that is absolutely fabulous, shall we put it on your list, shall we?

Alternatively, if they went into tanty meltdown mode, they went into tanty meltdown corner. Child under the arm, as they melted down, until we found a nice quiet corner (preferably quite draughty) where they could have their meltdown in peace and we weren't bother anyone while they got themselves sorted. I just stood there until they were finished. Yes, I'm a cold hearted witch of a mother. According to all the grandmotherly types that wanted merely to comfort my gremlin of a child.

LlynTegid · 25/10/2023 11:49

I wonder if some treat (that you were probably going to do anyway) conditional on no tantrums in public might be an option?

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4 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Aldicrispsareshit · 25/10/2023 11:49

mbosnz · 25/10/2023 11:46

I had a thing (actually we still do, it's a running family joke now they're 18 and 20, lol), where I'd say, yes, that is absolutely fabulous, shall we put it on your list, shall we?

Alternatively, if they went into tanty meltdown mode, they went into tanty meltdown corner. Child under the arm, as they melted down, until we found a nice quiet corner (preferably quite draughty) where they could have their meltdown in peace and we weren't bother anyone while they got themselves sorted. I just stood there until they were finished. Yes, I'm a cold hearted witch of a mother. According to all the grandmotherly types that wanted merely to comfort my gremlin of a child.

Sounds similar to me, only the under the arm carry doesn't happen when they're bigger and got longer limbs and clumpy feet 🤣

Singleandproud · 25/10/2023 11:57

When DD was that age before going into a shop with temptations I'd bring myself down to her level and ask her what the rules were for when we were in the shop to check her understanding and to remind her...not running off, not climbing, not hiding in clothes rails etc and clearly lay out my expectations and what she should do if she saw something she liked. if we weren't buying toys etc that day we would take a photo of the item and put it on 'The List'. Then when she had money to spend or it was close to a gift giving time we would look through The List and she would take anything off she didn't want anymore and pick her top three things. Managing her expectations and taking the photo meant that she had some control which I think helped.

She's a teen now and we have a WhatsApp chat for both of us to take photos of things we like when out and about which helps at birthday and Christmas time. Particularly as she is autistic and needs help thinking up gift ideas

usernother · 25/10/2023 12:04

Paynefully · 25/10/2023 11:35

How is best to handle them?
my 4yo DD is finding it really hard when she’s told she can’t do or have something at the moment.. and it immediately explodes into a huge meltdown.

I usually try not to just say “no”
or “no not today” I try and use a softer version “hmm, well I counted my pennies and we haven’t got enough pennies to buy you a toy today. We will have to save some pennies and come back another day” but this either leads to “why?” “Please have enough pennies!” Or just a full “AGHUURRGGHHGAAAGHHHH I WANT IT THOUGH PLEASE MUMMY PLEASE AHHHH!”

I suffer quite badly from anxiety and this is worsened when attention is being drawn to me. I don’t want her to have these tantrums; but also I don’t want to spent the entire shopping trip trying to reason with my screaming toddler while everyone looks on.

it’s started to make me fear taking them out, I dread it when we have to go anywhere now. I’m just not sure where I’ve gone wrong when parenting. I’ve tried so hard not to parent how I was parented as I feared my dad growing up from all the shouting and punishments, taking things away.. breaking toys in front of us. But I’ve also tried to set boundaries and it just hasn’t seemed to work. I’m at my wits end.

She's 4. She's not a toddler. And she's too old to be having tantrums. Have you tried telling to her before you go to a shop where you're going, what you'll be buying, that you won't be buying her anything, and how you expect her to behave? Worth a try.

Heatherjayne1972 · 25/10/2023 12:07

No is no!
I never did the soft explaining thing

they ask -I say no -if that’s appropriate and
ignore what follows. Some kids don’t respond to or understand the reasons why you can’t say yes.
Be careful about you say yes to tho -I never ever bought sweets at the checkout because I knew I’d be buying sweets every time I was in the shop
I’ve got three (teenagers now). One was a tantrum king - nothing worked with him so I just would say no and ignore ( he’s got adhd and autism so looking back that’s why)

what I did do tho is give them warning of what’s happening next
eg - in the park and need to go home shortly
I’d say ‘ well go home in 5 mins’ then a short while later it would be ‘ 2 mins to finish off/ one more slide etc’
1 more min and we will collect the bikes/ start walking etc

like a countdown. That did seem to work for us

SinnerBoy · 25/10/2023 12:13

I took my sister's advice and once pretended to have a tantrum, too. In Sainsbury's. Two women were approaching and I could see they mentally doing the twirly finger thing.

My daughter stopped and looked at me in amazement and calmed down.

"Me sister swears by it!" I said.

Aye,I might have to try that meself!

SinnerBoy · 25/10/2023 12:14

Out and about in museums, soft play etc, I'd just put her belly down on my lap and talk softly to her, it rarely failed.

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 12:15

Nothing you can do but ride it out. She is too old for that behaviour though.

Tell her before you go out that you're not buying her any toys or treats and there is to be no screaming or tantrums. Then it will come as no surprise

eddiemairswife · 25/10/2023 12:27

Do you normally buy your chid something when you go shopping?

Original poster
Paynefully · 25/10/2023 20:41

@eddiemairswife Not really, not toys and seeets ect. But I do let her have an opinion on what she would like at home for breakfast (shall we buy eggs or crumpets for breakfast his week?) kind of stuff. She does occasionally get brought some sweets or a small toy but it’s usually only if we’ve discussed it before we go to the shops.

I do usually have a talk in the car before we get to the shops about not buying sweets/chocolate/toys ect and she seems to understand right until she sees something she wants 😂

OP posts:
RabbitsRock · 25/10/2023 20:49

usernother 4 is definitely not too old to have tantrums! My friend’s DD was still having them at 7. There could be neurodiversity or the child is just wired that way. My friend’s DD is now in her late 20s & the deputy head of a tough secondary school.

SinnerBoy · 25/10/2023 21:05

Yes, my daughter is now ten and I have a video of her having an epic tantrum aged five and a half.

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/10/2023 21:14

Don't go for the soft-not today! Just say no!

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