How do I help my children cope with their toxic father

[Desperation]

In the process of getting divorced. 2 children age 6 and 10. Their father hasn't worked in over 5 years. I am a moderately high earner. Children in private school which dad is funding now out of savings- not for long. I pay everything else. There was years of verbal and a few instances of physical abuse (over covid) leading to my filing for divorce. He has serious anger management issues.

Ex has moved out and visits my rented flat to spend time with the children. Every single occasion he sees me involves his verbally abusing me, even in the presence of children. He emotionally blackmails them - says stuff like your mother will remarry and you will get a new father (not a chance in hell), blames me and my mother for breaking up the marriage.

Neither of us have any family in the UK - all abroad. This makes it really tough for me to get any downtime from my demanding full time job, and taking care of the children. He doesn't ever take the kids to his rented accommodation- says it is an air bnb and not suitable. He has been threatening to relocate to his country of birth - both of us are South Asian immigrants - which is fine as far as I am concerned since he definitely hasnt been functioning as a responsible parent for a while.

but this really does upset the children a lot and there is lots of crying and tantrums. They really love him and he abuses that so much. This is a pattern repeating itself- only I stopped caring a long time back and that has made him start with the children to get some sort of kick from it. The 10 year old got some therapy but it didn't seem to help her control emotions, and to stop shouting and crying at the drop of a hat. DC1 is bright and doing very well at school regardless. I can see DC2 being affected by the situation as well and getting very angry and argumentative.

How do I help them. It breaks me to see them so upset. To add to that, I can barely cope with the way my life is right now and sometimes it seems impossible to console them.

I'm so sorry.

Read "When Dad Hurts Mom" by Lundy Bancroft, available free online or on an Audible trial.

Report all this to a professional, eg school, children's nurse, GP.

Don't let him in your house. It's his problem where to take them.

Keep records of all the abuse.

Write to him explaining that you will report his next verbal abuse of you to the Police. Do that if necessary.

Ring Women's Aid and get their advice. Or a local DV organisation. There are some targeting Asian and black women if that might help.

Do you have good friends who know about all this?

Don’t gaslight them by pretending he’s a decent human

dont facilitate him seeing them

Thank you. There was social services involvement previously when he was still living with us. Once when I reported him for verbal abuse, and a second time last year when a neighbour reported him for shouting and throwing things. That was another long story and the SS worker blamed me for letting him stay and i had a really difficult few weeks. SS involvement ended when he moved out (thank God).

The children do miss him a lot and I would feel v guilty if I stop them seeing him..I also can't from a legal perspective at the moment I think. I have to say that the verbal abuse is directed towards me, not them. None of that makes it right. He does spend time with them reading and doing sport and other activities. but then will also be emotionally abusive, when he should really be surrounding them with love and the security that both of us love and cherish them and will take care of them.

I suppose an alternative phrasing of my post could be- how do I get ex to become a functioning adult? And as I write that I can feel what an uphill task that seems since he absolutely loathes me and curses me to my face.

You can’t change him, don’t even try because it will defeat you.

I think I wouldn’t allow him in the house,

Op you can't make him be a functioning adult you can't change anything about him at all. stop trying, you are wasting your energy.
I know this from experience. he sounds very like my ex husband. It literally took me years to realise and accept that he wasn't going to change. He badmouthed me constantly to our DD when she was with him, when I pulled him up on it he said he wanted to make sure she knew it was my fault our family was split apart!
He poured this poison into her ear from when she was 3 years old and we split. In the end I took him to court and got a CAO and had it written in that he couldn't speak to her about adult subjects etc which helped a bit initially. I've had police involvement due to some violence on his part, he stalked me then got somebody to follow me. He's tried to get DD to stupid dangerous things. Now he wonders why shes refused to see him anymore for the last 2.5 yrs. But of course he blames me for that and says one word from me could have stopped all this!
They Do Not Change. Ever.

I wouldn't be letting him into the house and wouldn't facilitate him seeing the children.

He has no intention of changing so don't expect that. There's nothing you can do to make him.

Stop letting him into your home for a start. You are still facilitating their relationship and he is still abusive and controlling. This is a really bad example to set for your kids. The whole point of splitting up was making you ALL safe. Let him set up supervised visits at a contact centre. Cite his abusive behaviour for the reasons he can’t continue with the visits at your home. Do not let him set foot in your home again and threaten to call the police if he insists. (Follow through if you need to.) I can almost guarantee that he won’t get off his arse to organise this, will attempt to blame you, etc. Who cares? The less your kids see if this dickhead, the safer they are. With a bit of luck he WILL fuck off back to his home country and leave you all alone to heal. I would also recommend getting some long-term counselling for your kids so that they don’t repeat abusive or accepting unhealthy patterns of behaviour.

Interact with him less and less. Absolutely do not let him see the children in your home.

Interpersonally: be bored by him. When he says “mommy will marry someone else” just say “yes! Sometimes people get remarried! It’s wonderful that people can find love again!” If he blames or accuses you just end the interaction. Hang up the phone. Delete the email. Hold your hand up and say “ we are done here” and take the children and go. When the children complain just say breezily “we will see daddy again when he is in a good mood and can behave.”

I suppose an alternative phrasing of my post could be- how do I get ex to become a functioning adult?

You absolutely can't. Becoming a functioning adult is both a developmental process and an act of willingness. If your ex has not gone through the stages required to become a functioning adult, he has to recognise that for himself and willingly learn how to make the changes.

The only thing you can do is apply appropriate consequences to his choices. If he is verbally abusive to you and the children, refuse to facilitate contact at your home and suggest he arranges contact through a contact centre as you both agree his accommodation is unsuitable.

If he moves back to his birth country and abandons his children, be there for them and help them as they process that emotionally. Family counselling for all three of you would be a good start.

Don't gas light them if they seem upset don't minimise that either.

Don't see why you'd let him see them to be honest. If you think he's likely to take you to court and get unsupervised visits then I'd be recording some of the conversations.

He is emotionally abusing them by verbally abusing you in their presence. You need to stop this from happening by stopping him to seeing you and them at the same time. You need to tell him that from now on he sees them outside of your home. He can take them to the library, museum, bowling, cinema, anywhere which isn’t your home.