Is a one night stand a good idea?

[Shyandhiding]

I am very sexually inexperienced, especially considering my age (late 30s). I had a one night stand in the past (many years ago) but he was the friend of a friend so I knew he was a decent guy and not a total stranger.

I am happy single and not looking for a relationship, but would quite like to try sex again (after many years). I don’t know any single men now, so would mean finding a date online (presumably an app like Tinder). I am going on a weekend break to Manchester next month and I thought that might be a good opportunity to meet somebody. My problem is:

1.What if he wants to do some crazy porn stuff? I just want ultra basic sex, nothing kinky whatsoever.

2 It doesn’t seem safe? How will I know that he is not going to rape or kill me?

3 By their 30s and 40s most of the nice men are coupled up so won’t I get a scumbag? And by saying I am just looking for a casual thing am I not pretty much limiting myself to scumbags? I can’t think of a way to find a nice guy for a one night thing though.

This probably all sounds ridiculous, but it’s what I am worried about and so am reaching out for help here. I know women do this all the time though so, please tell me how it works and if this seems like a reasonable idea or a terrible one

To be honest if I were you I would not bother, because the chance of having an enjoyable, safe, and thoroughly satisfactory experience is almost nil, for the reasons that you state. I honestly think you would be better off with a selection of sex toys and use your imagination or watch some sexy films. Sorry cannot be more positive but having had much sexual experience I am speaking the truth.

Everything you stated is reasons not to do it. Especially because you are inexperienced and wouldn't notice red flags. I have done this a few times and have had some bad experiences. My main reason not to do it anymore is because the sex is terrible! Usually. They aren't trying to make it good for you, they are getting what they want very easily and don't put any effort in. It's not worth it for what you get out of it. It's better to have a casual relationship with a guy you get to know enough and can trust. It's much less stressful and no more work than a hookup. All kinds of people are looking for sex without strings attached, not just scumbags.

If you do decide to, always meet in public, let someone know where you are and if you leave where you are going, like specific address. Bring your own protection. If they do anything vile and you met them on a dating app, report them to the app and they will be banned. I've actually had to do this, Bumble is good about it.

A ONS can be a great thing - I've had some very enjoyable ones. But I don't think you're in the right mindset for it.

There is no guarantee against scumbags on OLD, but there are also good men out there. It just takes a lot of searching.

You need to have clear boundaries, which I think can be harder to enforce when you say you want something casual. Always provide your own condoms - IME, most men will prefer not to use one and they should be non-negotiable with casual sex. It's absolutely fine to say no anal, no choking, etc, and even if they claim it's normal and everyone does it, you can still say no. But if you're shy, you might not find that easy. Also, if you just say "nothing kinky" - what you might think of as kinky might be something he thinks of (or want you to think of) as normal. So you might need to be specific about what is off-limits.

Meet in a public place, make sure someone knows where you're going. You can't be sure they're not a rapist or murderer. But you can't be sure of that if you met them in a bar or the library or anywhere else, either, especially if you don't really take time to get to know them.

The sex toys are a safer bet, though, in terms of safety and satisfaction.

This is probably very much frowned upon on here, but my friend who was in similar circumstances hired an escort who had amazing reviews and who prided himself on his abilities. She had some amazing sessions by all accounts, which ultimately gave her a lot more confidence when it came to dating.

That's disgusting.

If you really want to try sex I too would suggest hiring an escort rather than having a one night stand with someone you don’t know. I don’t see why anyone would say the idea is disgusting.

Why? What is disgusting about it? People are consenting adults, who are you to project your puritanical morality on to them.

Was what I was going to suggest as well. Seems like a much better idea than trying to find some random hookup.

@rampagingrobot it's got nothing to do with 'puritanical morality', but with the understanding that you can't buy consent.

Escorts, prostitutes, whatever you call it, you're paying someone to use their body. So no, they're not freely 'consenting adults'.

OP has anything in particular made you want to do this?

I think going out and seeking a one night stand is something not really in your mindset (nor mine). Pp mentioned that it's okay to say no to anal or choking but the idea of someone even asking would upset me and I suspect it might be the same for you?

I think seeking a one night stand would likely be an uncomfortable experience for you, and guessing it would mean bumping into the realities of our horrible porn soaked culture.

I had one about 20 years ago but things were different and it was someone I knew and he wanted to date in reality, so tried to follow it up - a lot. So there were good feelings there in the first place.

so many men want to try porno moves during sex without seeking permission. If you are inexperienced I’d be concerned about things getting out of hand and potentially causing some mental trauma to you. So it’s a no from me.

It sounds like ONS's aren't for you which is perfectly fine. It sounds like you wouldn't be able to relax so it wouldn't be an enjoyable experience no matter what.

I've had several ONS's and all were very enjoyable experiences. Some were with nice guys, some were with not so nice guys. I didn't mind at the time because I knew I wasn't looking at anything long term but I can assure you that it's not just 'scumbags' who want casual sex.

It might be safer to do it on your territory and meet the person a couple of times first to check you are comfortable.

I think you should try and find someone local, like on tinder And try to get to know them a little.

When they start angling for sex, you can set your boundaries very clearly, you are seeking very vanilla penis in vagina sex only, nothing else for the moment. I think you should get to know a potential casual sex partner sufficiently well to feel comfortable talking about sex.

Any friends who would be up for FWB? Not saying this is the most sensible idea, but..

Thank you everyone, really appreciate these thoughtful replies.

I think you’re right that it’s not really in my mindset, but the thought of meeting somebody local seems far more daunting - I live in a small community, what if it’s really embarrassing and I end up bumping into them in Tesco or they turn out to be the ex of a colleague or something?

The appeal of meeting a stranger is that if it doesn’t go that well at least I can pretend it never happened.

But I do also see that it’s maybe not the healthiest of mindsets to have, and I am probably being a bit naive. Lots to think about. Thank you.

You have to be in the right mindset, your MH good. I had one bad, only because he was selfish, big, and made no effort, so I actually said 'is that IT? Another fabulous.