Is this passive aggressive?

[dicedicebaby]

Concerning a friend of mine who I met through volunteering...

We get on really well, chat about all sorts, see each other socially, and message a lot about life in general and the organisation we are involved with (there's lots to talk about because the organisation drives a lot of people mad with red tape/inconsistencies)

One thing I've noticed is that she sometimes doesn't reply to messages if she doesn't agree with my POV. Sometimes I've pushed for a response/her thoughts on the issue and it's then become clear she doesn't agree.

The thing is, I'd much rather she said she didn't agree, than ignore the message, it feels a bit passive aggressive to me. Would you feel the same? waits for everyone to ignore this post cos they don't agree with me

Not necessarily passive-aggressive - she may just not feel confident about disagreeing with you or she may worry about upsetting or annoying you.

I wouldn't say passive aggressive, I'd say conflict avoidance. It could be because she's had really unpleasant outcomes from conflict in the past.

People who have been abused will often shy away from any form of potential conflict. It's the text equivalent of flight.

Perhaps she would rather avoid a discussion or sharing her opinions if they differ from yours. I'd suggest stop pushing if you feel she's uncomfortable or it's a difficult topic, or better yet, don't ask her opinion and if she wants to share herself, she will.

Hm. It's not really a difficult topic, she has as much to say on the matter as I do generally. I just wish she'd say so rather than read the messages and ignore (I'll happily agree to disagree if necessary!)

Saying nothing is a simple of not getting involved in a squabble.

I don't think its passive aggressive. Its conflict avoidant.
Passive aggressive might mean some kind of apparently unrelated action, eg you don't agree with some new proposals at work, you keep quiet about it and then you turn up late for a meeting with your manager.
Or DH when he clatters the cutlery really loud because he doesn't think he should be emptying the dishwasher

You sound like hard work. Not everyone wants to get into a debate. Leave her be. And definitely not passive aggressive, that's the wrong term.

Haha...it's just our general every day conversations I'm discussing with you here, I don't spend all day hounding her about things, I promise!

Doesn't sound PA.

Can you give an examples, OP?

Not everyone can be arsed with a debate about everything.

She's probably a people pleaser and doesn't want to get into anything deep andvlikes to keep the chat light to avoid arguments/debate, I don't think it's passive aggression though.

Sorry but I agree with this.

Not everyone finds it easy to disagree I mean she sounds fine at general chit chat, if she ignores you then she's uncomfortable , just move on.

I think you need to give an example.

I don’t think a message is the best place to get into a discussion, much better in person, and can completely see why she is not entering into this. Pushing her for a response is the only aggressive behaviour here.

The thing is, I'd much rather she said she didn't agree, than ignore the message,

She'd rather ignore the message than say she doesn't agree. Your wishes don't trump hers.

I think I'd be the same. I couldn't be arsed to get into a debate with you.

Probably just doesn’t fancy the debate at that time! I also find it harder to debate/disagree over text as I’m conscious as to what I write and how it’s interpreted. In person you can more easily check for understanding and see if you’re pushing the challenge too far. Some people are also more comfortable articulating themselves when talking rather than writing.

If you know she disagrees, maybe just say you’ll be interested to hear her thoughts (if she wants to share them) next time you meet up. And leave it at that.

She might think you are gossiping about the organisation or staff or whoever and is refusing to get into it.

It sounds like she's just not interested in getting involved.

Can you give some examples of the sort of thing? And how often is it that you've noticed a pattern?

Could it be she sees it either as gossip, or moaning, and just isn't interested?

This may be what it is. I'll see her next week and I bet she brings up the conversation.

Are you after heavy debate 'management at work is totally full of nepotism and Bertie only got the post because of his dad don't you agree ?'
Or 'they shouldn't have cancelled doctors'?

People in real life don't want genuinely want to debate, ileven if they think they do. "Debates" rarely, if ever, work out well. People rarely actually want to be disagreed with and expect friends to hold shared values. It can come as a shock if they don't.

Politics I would always let a friend express their opinion and move on. I have precious little interest in expressing my own and absolutely no interest in debate

Using messages to have a debate doesn’t sound like something I would want to engage with either! Haven’t got the energy for that..

it’s not passive aggressive to avoid something

Am I correct in assuming you are up for discussion/debate on issues by text? With someone you see regularly? I would find that strange. It's not something I've ever done with my friends. What sort of issues are we talking? The Israel/Palestine conflict? Abortion? Politics?

I do this quite a lot. It gets the message across that I disagree without having to get into a row. I only do this with stroppy folks though like all my family of origin. 🙄

Why don't you stop messaging her demanding she answers all your questions and just wait till you see her to talk about it. That way you have something interesting to talk about when you see each other .

Her phone is for HER convenience, not yours.