Feeling overwhelmed and low

[upthekasier]

For context: 53 years old, DH, 3 DC (1 SEN), work FT 40 hours a week from home. Job is relatively stress free. I manage a team, they are all fairly easy to manage. I am a people pleaser.

I feel overwhelmed/over-pressured at everything. Today looks like this:

1. Working at home, but have yet to properly start (see below)
2. At some point today I will have to make DC lunches. They are at home for half term. This will involve unloading the dishwasher for the equipment to make their lunches. They wont do it even if I ask. I would be asking for hours and cannot do that while working. I'm stressing that the dishwasher needs unloading before I can even start the task of making lunches, I just don't have time to do it or make lunches.
3. Loads to do at work, I know what to do but am overwhelmed by the thought of it all and don't know where to start, so I haven't actually managed to properly start any of it yet but have responded to urgent emails etc
4. Friend is messaging me about her dog problems and the fact she has no one to look after her dog next week. She has dropped massive hints to me to have it. I have purposely not said a thing. I know she will get to the point of asking me to have it. I don't have dogs and I don't want her dog ever, due to various issues. She knows I am at work today and is messaging me general chit chat as she is at home bored. Yes I can not check my phone but I feel a pressure from her in the fact she is messaging and the expectation to respond. I cannot just send a quick reply and leave it at that, she always goes into a to-and-fro of messaging regardless of the time of day.
5. I am working till late tonight and then will have to make DC dinner (DH is out) as well as I want to fit in the gym, this will make it a late one tonight.
6. Money is tight, I am carrying all the burden of this, DH buries his head in the sand. I am currently planning and re-planning xmas costs/gifts etc in my head. DH will not engage in xmas.
7. I have not washed my hair in almost a week, it takes an hour to wash and dry. I don't have the time for that but need to do it before going out with clients tomorrow night. Not sure how I will fit in the time for that while WAH today and tomorrow and running the house in-between working.
8. Desperately trying to diet but food is my enemy. I cannot stop eating then hate myself for it. I have already eaten a load of crap today.

Start with the things you can tackle. Pick one from your list.
E.G. Tell friend "sorry I am overwhelmed and cannot look after your dog otherwise I would offer".
Make a plan to stop overeating.
Get up earlier to wash hair before work
Do not make the DC lunches if they will not make their own. Tell them you are too busy and if they're hungry, they will make the effort to make their own as you simply do not have time.

I am a people pleaser.

Your life would be a lot less stressful if you could just change this one thing.

Imagine...

"Kids, I love you dearly but I only have one pair of hands. Make your own lunches - mine is ham and cheese on white. Thanks."

"Friend, I love you dearly but I can't chat because I am working. Look forward to hearing all about your trip when you get back"

"DH, I love you dearly but I need you to be in charge of Xmas this year. Let me know if you need any help"

Have your hair cut short.

The problem with being a people pleaser is that you end up pleasing everyone else apart from yourself. Infact the other people aren’t even pleased about it, they just expect it from you and take you for granted. I’m a former people pleaser, wasted 40 years doing that.

How old are your DC? If they are old enough you absolutely should be telling them to unload the dishwasher and make the lunch - bribe them with pocket money for doing it.

If your phone isn’t for work purposes switch it off. message your friend later and tell her you were busy working and you hope she enjoys her trip.

@MangoGuavaDelta how did you stop being a people pleaser ? I don't necessarily have reasons for not wanting to do something for other people, other than a) I just don't want to/it's not convenient for me - but I couldn't say that as it's just rude and not friend-like at all & b) home truths - which are also not nice e.g. no friend I don't want your dog because it chews and will ruin my things (it has other issues which are outing and are the reasons I also don't want it) and you wanted the dog so you will have to sort it, don't make your problems mine.

I should have taken half term off to mentally reset

I don’t know if you are peri menopausal or in the menopause but feelings of being overwhelmed are really common. I’m the same age as you and have started feeling like this so it could be hormone related and my moods are all over the place too.

But one thing I have started doing is saying no to things I don’t want to do. I’ve actually got much better at that recently and started putting myself first a bit more.

@upthekasier why do you think it’s not friend-like to have some boundaries? Is your friend a people pleaser too or does she sometimes say no to things?
You asked how I stopped being a people pleaser - the answer is extreme. I had a breakdown. I put so much pressure on myself when I was already carrying more than I could manage and just kept doing what everyone else wanted and expected of me, and it broke me. And all of the people I had spent years people-pleasing vanished, because I was only there to serve and not be served. I had a long road to being well again and I only do what I can manage now, and what I want to do. I stick to my limitations because I know people don’t think any more of you for giving more of yourself. I will never let my cup run dry for someone else ever again. If you are feeling burnt out with everything you need to learn to say no and delegate, otherwise you could end up going down my path.

@MangoGuavaDelta I'm so sorry to read that. I feel I am on the verge of a breakdown. Because I cannot say no. I'm afraid to say 'no, I just wont want to do that'. I find myself giving lifts/favours/committing to things I cannot afford. All because I feel there is an expectation for me to go/do something (another thread ! but there is an expectation from certain friends for me to go/do things, it is not all in my head). I am adamant though I am not having the dog next week while friend is away.

I currently have several commitments with friends, I cannot really afford any of them as the money is needed elsewhere. I cannot pull out and let the others down. I will somehow have to find the cash.

@MangoGuavaDelta just to add, my friend is not a people pleaser what so ever. but she is happy to go out of her way to help a good friend if needed. The trouble is, I constantly seem to be going out of my way help others. I NEVER ask anyone for help for anything, I just wouldn't want to rely on anyone to that extent, yet my friend is always asking me for things, although the asks have reduced over time. She has unknowingly pus me in some really awkward & difficult positions with some of the 'yes' I have said to her.

I'm sorry OP.

People pleasing is a 'fawn' response usually learned in childhood. At some point you were conditioned to be hyper alert to people's emotional states and taught that their wellbeing was your responsibility. And that your own emotional wellbeing didn't matter. But it does. It should be first on your list.

I find this account very useful if you're interested in looking at ways to overcome people pleasing:
https://www.instagram.com/haileypaigemagee/

There's a lot of 'cannot' in your replies. As in I 'cannot' say no, let people down or not satisfy their expectations of me. Are you frightened of being rejected if you are honest? But why should you have to pretend to be someone you aren't and deny your real feelings in order to make other people happy? Doesn't your happiness count?

If you don't feel you can say "no, I don't want to do that", what could you say? "That doesn't work for me..."
"I have another commitment which means I'm unable to do that."
"That sounds tough, I hope you find a solution."
Or be honest. "I'm having a very tough time/swamped with work right now, I can't talk. I'll message you when I have the time."

@upthekasier I understand that feeling that people EXPECT it, rather than you are the one volunteering. When you are pigeon-holed as a people pleaser people do expect you to remain that way. People with normal boundaries think that the expectation comes from within. Whilst it does to a certain extent, people do treat you worse if you say no if you are a people pleaser because of the expectation that you will say yes.
I am glad you have decided to say no to having your friends dog. It’s a good starting point for you. You need to be less available for people. You need to start thinking of yourself, because believe me, most people mainly think only of themselves. When you are a people pleaser (as pp said often conditioned in childhood) you are taught it’s selfish to say no or have your needs met. But if you look around you, you will realise it’s not true, and everybody else can say no and also have their needs met without it being considered selfish. It’s part of being human.