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Original poster

Accept that DH doesn't prioritise his share of chores

22 replies

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 11:52

Just a little rant as no one IRL.

Sick of dh huffing when I ask him to keep up with what he agreed (bins/dishwasher).

He is the main earner. I have more time so I do all the cooking/laundry but he leaves it so long, I'm on to the next meal.

Gym, shopping, arranging plans for the diary all come first for him. They are more fun of course.

I'm feeling really rough with Covid and the kids are off school so it's extra today and he's just huffed at me asking him to help a bit. Instead, he's asking me to arrange playdates and he wants to go buy a big purchase today with the kids. Can't we sort the kitchen first and do that tomorrow? I'm exhausted and it's boring for me too but with everyone home all the time, I'm chained to the bloody sink.

OP posts:

Original poster

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 11:53

Think my patience is much thinner when ill.

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Original poster

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 11:59

He says he does loads around the house like I'm saying he doesn't do enough.

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SheilaFentiman · 23/10/2023 12:02

Yanbu, you are ill, if he’s off work today he should be doing it all

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Families

SheilaFentiman · 23/10/2023 12:03

If he wants a play date arranged, he can ask you for a number for Billy’s parents and text them himself, and save the number so he has it ready next time.

Octavia64 · 23/10/2023 12:08

He should be doing it.

But if he won't, and it impacts on you then a strategy is to reallocate chores so he is still doing the same hours/percentage but it only impacts on him.

So for example he takes on his laundry you do yours and the kids. (Or, if the kids are old enough, teach them to do their own).

Allocate a meal each week for him to cook - be prepared that he might delay by multiple hours and you wind up with takeaway.

If you have en-suites etc allocate him a bathroom to clean and you and the kids use the other one.

Basically, it's hard to make him do it if he really won't. So it's about reducing stress kn you.

Original poster

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 12:10

He huffed and puffed the other day when I reminded him to hoover (I have a hernia so I do what I can but I need him to do the upstairs).

He works from home with flexible hours. He's working from home today and has just gone to the gym for lunch. I can't take the kids anywhere.

He also has 2 big commitments outside of the home which take him out several times a week. Fair enough but I'm sick of the huffing.

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Octavia64 · 23/10/2023 12:16

The huffing is a strategy to get you to not hassle him. My ExH as a master at it, and it works a lot of the time.

I'll tell you what did work though - there were a lot of rows that our teenagers didn't do the dishwasher enough.

So we set up a tally on the fridge - each person made a mark when they did it.

He watched it like a hawk, and when he fell behind everyone else the kids used to take the mick mercilessly. It got to the point that the kids and him would run to the dishwasher as it finished because he wanted to keep up.

Original poster

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 12:22

I work term time and less hours so I know the majority of the house is for me to do.

The strategy does work as it makes me think I won't bother asking him as I can't stand the hassle and I just get moodiness. Argh!

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LylaLee · 23/10/2023 12:24

In his mind, his job is to go to work and make money. Any more is a 'favour' and you are rude and naggy to keep demanding favours.

Original poster

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 12:37

Yes. He says he does loads for me and huffing at me isn't that bad.

Fact is I can't keep up with the house whilst recovering from Covid and I need to look after the kids too so we just need to muddle though.

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LBOCS2 · 23/10/2023 12:39

It's not 'for you', he fucking lives there too!

SheilaFentiman · 23/10/2023 12:40

LBOCS2 · 23/10/2023 12:39

It's not 'for you', he fucking lives there too!

Exactly!

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2023 12:43

Yeah part of your problem is the language. You've said 'help me' and 'for me'

It's dickish that he still huffs when these things are framed as for you but please stop talking about them as favours. They are part of his job as a member of the household.

What if you just stopped doing your jobs?

Gettingbysomehow · 23/10/2023 12:46

He isn't helping you it's his house. Does he want to live in a slum?

TryAgainWithFeeling · 23/10/2023 12:46

If you’re sick, go to bed. Take yourself out of the equation altogether.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/10/2023 13:00

Huffing like Kevin the Teenager?... attractive!

Do you work term time in part to accommodate him and his job by any chance?

Either way he is an adult, he has to do the crap jobs sometimes whether he likes it or not, even more so when his wife is unwell.

Primproperpenny · 23/10/2023 13:04

You’re so unwell you need to go to bed. For at least two days. With numerous box sets to catch up on. He’ll soon learn how much you do on a daily basis 🤣

chinkinarmour · 23/10/2023 13:06

@twentyleggings you need to work out what he cares most about, as it obviously isn't a clean & tidy kitchen! Does he like good food? My DH's liked his dinner, and liked cooking, so if he got home and dinner wasn't started, he would crack on with that, with the same sort of resignation that I would do 'his' designated chores. This happened regularly enough (deliberately on my part) for the cooking to gradually become 'his' default job, after which it became inevitable that the online food shopping would be his job too. From my perspective, this was much more of a result than getting him to do the small stuff that he didn't see as a priority - and as cooking needs utensils, it often involves packing/unpacking the dishwasher too. He sometimes leaves a little mess after cooking, which I'm happy to tidy as I find that so much easier than cooking.

I do all the washing, but not his ironing (we have a steamer in the bedroom, so he uses that to do his shirt before work each day). We have a cleaner fortnightly to blitz the house and change the bedding. I do a bit of light cleaning in between if its needed, but not much. It works for us.

GOODCAT · 23/10/2023 13:27

You need a chat that means that all agreed chores are done promptly. We share so tend to both get up to do it together or I will put the washing out (start work later) and he brings it in (home first).

We don't leave stuff on the side to go in the dishwasher if it is done that person puts it away. If kids too young then whoever feeds them does it or he should If eating the same meal.

Mumsanetta · 23/10/2023 13:32

Does he like sex? He is acting like an additional child in the home who needs to be managed. I do not find children sexy and therefore would be unable to have sex with him until he got his act together.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/10/2023 13:41

Just leave it, don’t chase him to do his jobs. When the bins are over flowing simply get a new bin bag out and start using that. If you go to cook and there are no pots and pans don’t cook, when he asks tell him why. Not enough plates? Use others, serving dishes saucers, what ever, when he asks why tell him he hasn’t don’t his chores

wants the kids to have play dates, he can sort then

play him at his own game, huff and puff when he says he is going out, ask him where your child free time is

Original poster

twentyleggings · 23/10/2023 14:21

We've just had a chat and agreed a split which works around his work hours.

TBH there are many pros to WFH but the cons are lack of routine and all being under each other's feet and no one knowing who's doing what. He is working flat out 9-5 at home but because he is in and out the office room and going to the post office etc he seems around/available to do the chores in between but he's actually not.

He only has time to do his share of stuff after work so he will do the kitchen and things in the evening. As I do the school runs and work 10-1, I will do things in the day as I have more time then.

If he leaves stuff in the evening, I will not do it. I'll work around it.

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