How do I get over this loss?

[pinksinks]

I'm 31 now.
My mum passed when I was 13.
I have my dad and my grandma was a mother figure to me (mums mum)
I loved her so much ,she was my world.
I was a carer for her since I was 18 till 30 when she passed aged 98
I just feel this emptiness without her
I feel guilty as I don't grieve for my mum but I grieve for my grandma so much.
Obviously I love my mum too but I had forever with my grandma.
I seen her every day
We would have movie days
I would make her Saturday afternoon tea when she didn't leave the house anymore.
She loved Christmas and she used to come to mine every year.
I would make it special for her
She loved getting new clothes and listening to max bygraves.

Even when she was dying she spoke about going shopping
I'm honestly so sad
It's been over a year
I hate Christmas now without her
Everything seems pointless
She was my world
It's her birthday next week she would be 100
I used to get her a balloon and cake and she loved it.

I have a partner of 3 years,we live together
We have a good life
Nice holidays ,nice house but nothing helps me.
I'm never going to be okay without her ,she meant too much to me.
The fact I will never see her again is too much.
Will this ever get better? How do I go on without her ?

You'll always miss her, but it will get more bearable.

And although you think you don't miss your mum, it's inevitable that your grandma's death will also cause feelings about your mum to resurface, especially as your grandma was your last link to your mum.

I lost my mum quite young and sadly didn't have a replacement mother figure but I did find it all got easier when I had children of my own, was able to look forward a bit more and also feel a connection toy mum because I was able to pass on the love she had given my to my children.

Grief is so painful OP, but it will get easier. Have you had any counselling or would you be open to trying some? It might help to talk it through. I was also wondering about marking her birthday perhaps with a cake and balloons still, it might be helpful to keep that going.

I was close to my Grandma in the same way as you OP. Like the pp it got easier when I had my DC a few years later. I was sad that she never got to meet them, but I’ve kept her memory alive with them so much by talking about happy memories of her that my DC talk like they knew her, mention her, retell stories I’ve told them about her. It’s hard to describe, but it is like she is living on in my memories and I find it so comforting. I’ve learn to focus my mind on the love, memories and joy she brought to my life rather than the loss.