International marriage

[tallyhass]

My husband is from CA and I'm English. Been together 9 users now. He wants to stay in London, I'm open minded but leaning towards moving to LA.
Finances aren't an issue. We don't have children yet. We are mid 30's. Open to differing viewpoints. What would be your thoughts?

I think LA is a difficult city to live in, for various reasons. If you want to live well in it then it’s certainly not a city that you can say “finances aren’t an issue” about - unless you are already multimillionaires or confident of being able to achieve a household income of the better part of half a million dollars a year.

Ultimately you need to get a clear view on what the end goal of moving would be -more money, better career opportunities, closer to family, different lifestyle etc - and then establish whether LA would actually fulfil that over staying in London.

What are his reasons for wanting to stay in London? Have you lived in LA before? Are you planning on having children? Do either of you have elderly parents who are likely to need looking after in the future? When you say ‘finances aren’t a problem’, are you rich or do you just have lots of equity in your property? Would either of you need to retrain? Do either of you have medical conditions?

Personally, I think you’d be mad to leave the UK. Yes, we have our problems, but nowhere near on the same scale. And the fact your DH has lived in both places but prefers London holds quite a bit of weight.

LA has a better climate but I have to say I really didn't enjoy my time there - I just remember lanes and lanes of traffic at a standstill, terrible public transport. There's the fact that Americans get about 10 days of holiday per year and barely any maternity leave. Plus the whole guns issue. I'd never live in America.

I would stay in London. No smog, fewer guns.

If you don't ever want children, maybe. But would you really want your future children to have to do active shooter drills?

I wouldn't consider moving until he has citizenship. Starting the visa process over would be hell.

That said, this happens a lot. One partner wants to move the other doesn't. Obviously you'll need to sort it out between you. I have no magic words or guidance here, but the grass isn't always greener.

Have you been to Los Angeles? Do you drive (if you drive in and around London that's a plus as you can probably handle the worst of LA traffic)? Are you happy for a 10 mule drive to take an hour+ in rush hour? Can you afford a house in the nicer/safer parts of LA? If you work for a decent US company are you ok with just two weeks holiday a year? Are you prepared for no public safety net?

But if he doesn't want to move you aren't going to bed able to force him.

As much as I’m sure you would be living in a great area and though the UK is not the land of milk and honey the sort of issues facing Americans are really tough. Lose your job? You lose your health insurance. My brothers remained in the states after both going to study there 40 years ago. Their children were all born in America and have now married themselves. They are part of the American dream and have all done very well. Even then my niece still only got 6 weeks paid maternity leave and she has a really decent job. I’m a lot younger than my brothers and have visited many times, they wanted to sponsor me when I hit 21 but I turned them down. In middle age I developed a life threatening issue that has turned in to a chronic condition I am so glad I didn’t move for that reason alone.

I also would not want to live anywhere that my children would think having regular school shooter drills is normal.

You're young without kids. Why not try LA out for a few years? it'll good for the experience, and to understand the culture.

I moved back to be closer to family. and yes, the guns. Things are generally more exciting over there. That's not necessarily a good thing. In UK you don't feel your life is threatened by every day things like people, weather, roads, not having a job (no health insurance) etc....