How to raise self esteem - Daughter not being invited to parties

[Fillyfrog]

My DD is 9 (year 5) and has had a tough few weeks where quite a few girls are having sleepovers as their choice of party at school, these obviously mean only a few girls are allowed (usually 2 or 3) and she's not been invited to any. She's been to one before, and she also had one for her birthday a couple of months ago where she invited 3 friends.

I've had lots and lots of chats with her about how you can't get invited to everything, they're only small numbers, it's nothing you've done, you're absolutely lovely, they're missing out (!) all the reassurance stuff.

There's one girl who invited her, and they talked about it loads and then said she couldn't come anymore because there's no room 😪 this is the one that's upset her the most, I've said we can do something extra special on that night just us two, but it's not really cutting the mustard.

How can I keep her self esteem up and not let it affect her? There's been lots of tears, I thought she had got over it but yesterday had a big breakdown where she cried for absolutely ages as she said they were all talking about the sleepovers all day and she felt very sad. It's very hard as a parent! At school (not primary, secondary) I had issues with not fitting in and it still affects me to this day, I don't want it to affect her.

Hope someone makes it through this ramble I've been awake for 2 hours thinking about it!

Would you be comfortable hosting a sleepover for one or two girls? Could make it a Halloween theme or just do a movie night with a special film so DD has a little event of her own to plan for and look forward to.

It might ease the blow of feeling so left out and it will also give her and the friend or friends who do come some sleepover stories of their own to share until she does become part of the wider group.

My daughter is 10 and also in year 5. I’ve noticed this increase in sleepovers this year.

as previous poster said, can’t you host a sleepover?

im finding this year the creeping in of excluding girls out. I’ve told DD that she needs to include everyone. I’ve also told her that very soon she will be going to big school and her friendship group is likely to change

Thank you, she has asked me if she can have one friend for a sleepover and I said maybe at half term, the only thing putting me off is this girl (although she is lovely) she has had a few play dates at our house, they seem to get on well but it's never been reciprocated, I don't want to seem pushy to the mum by asking for a sleepover as well.

Through the years we've never had any problems with parties and she's been to plenty. She's never been left out its just when they're coming down to these smaller sleep overs. She has one main friend who they fall out constantly so I'm not inviting that friend and with all the other girls she just seems to drift in between them.

Its a minefield this parenting business 🙈

She had a sleepover in the summer for her birthday - she invited 3 friends. One of them she'd already been to their sleepover. The other two have birthdays coming up in November, both of them are having sleepovers and neither of them have invited her back 😔

You need to host, even when it's not reciprocated.

Host as many sleepovers/play dates/ days out etc as you can. That will strengthen the friendships.

Also, having friends outside of school helps. Is she involved in any extra-curricular activities? Having friends outside of school to fall back on when school friendships aren't going great, helps boost self-esteem.

Yes, I agree, you need to lose the focus on reciprocation and just host. Perhaps choose the guest based on the activity. Talk about whether your daughter has a hobby or passion in common with another child - crafting, music, dance, a favourite film or television show - and use that as a jumping-off point to theme a sleepover.

It doesn't need to be anything complicated or expensive. Just pick a reason and a person and go for it.

*a sleepover or simple get together

I think you need to take a step back and reread your post. You have one friend she clearly likes as she has asked for them to sleep over and you are reluctant because this friends parents have not reciprocated. I would be looking at this that this child makes my daughter happy, seems nice and ticks the sleepover box and would not care two hoots about the parents not having their turn since it’s not been a regular thing.
This second girl who she falls out with but also clearly likes - again why not? Unless you are missing info that this child is super terrible in some way…so what? Your daughter wants a sleep over…she’s not getting invited to any and the two girls who would sleep over and your daughter likes you don’t want to invite them.
from my experience this sleep over thing is a phase and my daughter and her friends prefer their own beds now they are older teens

Thanks for the replies. They are making me think. I suppose I have my own self esteem issues - and for me if you're offering play dates, but then not getting any back, it kind of makes me think that I'm appearing needy. Like I said she's had her own sleepover, and in summer she had 3 play dates all because i reached out to other parents. She's a lovely girl she really is (I know I'm biased!) just doesn't seem to be anybodys 'favourite'.

There could be any number of reasons why playdates aren't being reciprocated. Stop worrying about what people think of you. Just send a short friendly message to both mums at the same time "dd would love to have x and x over for a sleepover on Saturday, are they free?" That's all you need to do and it will make your dd happy.

I agree with pp, you should stop keeping score and just support her to have a social life in whatever way works best at the moment. Be the hostess. She will learn that she can take changer of her own social life and doesn’t have to wait to be on the receiving end of invitations or worried about others’ views. I understand that it can be tricky, but you mentioned you have issues in this area yourself and it sounds like you are projecting a bit. Just forget about any etiquette and focus on her (and you!) having fun in whatever ways you can.

*Take charge

I agree with people... host, host, host, if you can. You're doing it for your child, not for the other parents, so it doesn't matter if it's reciprocated or not.

Just popping on to say this phase will pass. Don’t overthink it but do host more sleepovers and definitely during the holidays. Agree Halloween is an ideal sleepover time. I was a parent who liked to reciprocate but not everyone thinks like that so don’t take it personally! On the nights you think she might be sad, could you do something else with her that she could chat about on Monday at school like the Taylor Swift concert at the cinema? Cheap tickets to the Theatre maybe? It’s a good way of making her company feel valued. At this age hormones are starting to kick in so just be available for her to talk about her feelings. You don’t need to fix everything for her, just be ready to chat and to validate/rationalise/reframe her emotions where appropriate.

Just came to suggest a few reasons why things might not be reciprocated:
younger siblings at home who interfere
anxious parents
messy or small house
dogs who don’t like visitors

the list is endless. I’d just keep inviting people over. Friendships change. Leave the doors open.

Excellent answer from @Netaporter . However, personally I always refused sleepover requests and invites from a child safeguarding point of view. One has no idea who else or what is in the house and what goes on unless they're family. From a police and social work perspective there are a lot of avoidable risk factors.

That's absolutely not the case. My daughter has a very close friend to whose house she very often goes to. She doesn't want to invite her to our house because she's embarrassed that our house is nowhere as nice as her friends'. On the other hand, she has a friend who practically lives at our house but whose mum doesn't like to have visitors over.

It's horrible when our kids are having friendship issues, particularly girls

I agree you need to stop focusing on the reciprocating and help your DD have a social life.
Get her known as the girl who has regular "get togethers". Does it really matter if she doesn't always get invited back?
We've hosted loads of parties for my girls over the years, doesn't need to be big and fancy, 6-9pm on a Friday or Saturday

It's hallowe'en soon so host a small party for say 6 in total, doesn't need to be a sleepover.
Then in November have a pizza and movie night for 4 girls.
Then invite 2 for a sleepover in Christmas holidays.

It's the repetition of doing things regularly out of school which will help the friendships.
Does she do any out of school activities which friends from school go to eg. gymnastics, dancing?
If they're on a Saturday that's a good way to cement friendships further and they can even arrange to do things after their class together.

Some parents rarely invite people round and sleepovers are a big deal for birthdays etc. Some families are constantly hosting for dinner / sleepovers etc. I think it’s more about how you were brought up / how private you are / other stresses / having the room etc.

Im a doors open person. Sleepovers a plenty and kids allowed round whenever they want. Some people never reciprocate, some do.

Don’t care about who is reciprocating. My child’s in yr.7 atm and sleepovers are every weekend for at least a few of them. If my Son was feeling left out he’d just invite the stragglers to ours.

She’s yr5 now. Tell her she can invite friends herself at school and if they say yes the mums can then text from there.

Have a friend that keeps moaning her Sons getting left out but she’s hosted one sleepover in the last two years and there’s no culture of kids going round after school there either. Keep telling her to invite but she never dies 🤷🏻‍♀️

Same

I'm quite surprised at the number of parents who allow their young children,,,aged 6, 7, 8, 9 etc, to sleepovers. There are so many risk factors. I wouldn't allow it until my DC are much older and confident in themselves to deal with situations that may arise.

In this light, I would be happy my DC aren't being invited.

But that wouldn't stop me organising days out where the parent could come along.

I know this is old thread but I literally could have written this post op. I just wondered how you were getting on?
There are three sleepovers happening tonight that dd isn’t invited to. Despite me hosting A LOT as recommended here. I’m at the point now were you think you must look quite desperate to keep inviting when you don’t get anything back. Like you it’s keeping me awake at night.

Sometimes people literally don't have the space for sleepovers. I know we don't - one double bedroom and one single. If you have space, then you invite.

Hi pyjama time, I wish I could update and say it's all fine but we're still in the absolute same position. Actually made worse by the fact that one of her 'main' friends had a sleepover in September and she was fully expecting to be invited and she didn't get an invite. Heartbreakingly she said 'I'm kind of used to it now' and we went on a mummy daughter day where she got spoilt rotten instead.

I've not hosted anything recently but have children constantly round at my house - they are year 6 now so no need to be really arranging the play dates. But she never seems to go to others houses. I let her get a phone - a literal old school one that you can only phone and text on, no internet and she has been arranging her own play dates with people, playing out etc. But no sleepovers and not been to anyone's house. Frustrating but I can't really do anything else.