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Original poster

Just found out DD has been having sex at school!!!

26 replies

sambam78 · 20/10/2023 18:54

DD is 16 and currently at boarding school. She's been boarding since she was 13 and absolutely loves it. We've never had any issues with her at school. She works hard got some very good results in her GCSEs last year. She is very sporty and so a lot of her time there is occupied with this, plus other social events the school run, homework etc. She comes home on a Saturday after sports and goes back on a Sunday evening although most of her time ''at home'' is spent at various friends houses or they come to ours.

I have a close friend who has a DS in the same school and year as DD. They are not friends and they are both in very different friend groups so don't mix at all at school. I saw this friend today and she told me that her DS had told her that my DD had slept with TWO boys, apparently while at school!!! He told her that it was common knowledge at school that she has done this and that she isn't the only one of her friends doing this. Apparently one was last year and the other one this school year, perhaps still ongoing!!

I knew that she had kissed a few boys, she's talked to me about this. We've has the talk about contraception before so that's not the issue. I'm just more shocked that she is doing this at school AND neither of the boys are her boyfriends unless she has/has had a boyfriend she's not told me about. I know she is 16 now, nearly 17 and I lost mine at 17 but it's the fact she is doing it at school!! God knows where she finds the time or place!!!

Neither me nor DH went to boarding school but I had heard about students sleeping with each other from different friends who attended one over the years but I could never have imagined my own DD doing it. My DS just left the same school last year so if this is what DD is up to then God knows what he was up to!

I know I can't stop her, if she wants to do it she'll find a way but do I talk to her about it?? What do I do next??

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 20/10/2023 18:57

She is 16. You do nothing... Casually discuss the need for using protection then butt out..

sprigatito · 20/10/2023 18:58

Everyone was at it at my boarding school tbh. Lots of hormonal kids, many of them with emotional problems, minimal supervision outside lesson time - and this is a small, "nurturing" school with a great pastoral care reputation. I think the only thing you can do is talk to her about contraception and encourage her to talk to you when she can.

Fireisland · 20/10/2023 19:00

Not a lot you can do? If you choose to send your child to boarding school then surely you realise you haven't really got much control over their day to day life.

CreationNat1on · 20/10/2023 19:00

Very common in my school too. Treat her like an adult, arrange contraception.

Albioncreed · 20/10/2023 19:00

Your friend had no business telling you this idle gossip

Hellocatshome · 20/10/2023 19:01

Minimally supervised 16 year olds not under their parents roofs? Yep there will be sex.

BUT also just because something is common knowledge amongst teenagers doesnt mean it is true.

Sunmoonstars33 · 20/10/2023 19:02

Shes 16 and a good student.
All I would do personally is talk to her about contraception and also the fact that she may face consequences from the school if she is caught having sex on school property and its not worth the risk of that.
But I wouldnt shame her or be angry at her. Like you said, you lost your virginity around a similar age.
Also id consider that these rumours may not necessarily be true.

bendmeoverbackwards · 20/10/2023 19:02

Speak to the school, they are in loco parentis even if she’s over 16.

Vitriolinsanity · 20/10/2023 19:13

Fireisland · 20/10/2023 19:00

Not a lot you can do? If you choose to send your child to boarding school then surely you realise you haven't really got much control over their day to day life.

Bloody hell, would you like ketchup with those chips?

Hugosauras · 20/10/2023 19:20

I think that, given that she's in the lower 6th form and almost 17, there is not much that you can do. I certainly wouldn't mention that you know. That would be mortifying for you. You could speak to the school generally about how they ensure the wellbeing of their older children. Sex education has moved on hugely since we were at school so she's likely to be very well informed. You could have a general chat. She could still already be on the pill. At her age she could probably arrange it via the school nurse or the drs local to her school.

MargotBamborough · 20/10/2023 19:25

I'm not sure there is anything you can or should do, other than talk to her about protection (against both pregnancy and STDs).

She's over the age of consent. As for being shocked that she's doing it at school, well, she lives at school. It's a boarding school. Where else would she be doing it?

Original poster
sambam78 · 20/10/2023 20:18

Fireisland · 20/10/2023 19:00

Not a lot you can do? If you choose to send your child to boarding school then surely you realise you haven't really got much control over their day to day life.

Just because she is away doesn't mean that I can't know what is going on in her life.

OP posts:
Fireisland · 20/10/2023 20:22

sambam78 · 20/10/2023 20:18

Just because she is away doesn't mean that I can't know what is going on in her life.

Show quote history

But you didn't know did you

Original poster
sambam78 · 20/10/2023 20:25

I will be speaking to her tomorrow when I see her, just bring it up not tell her that I know anything. Coincidentally we had planned a girls weekend just me and her so the perfect opportunity to discuss things like this. Obviously will talk about being safe.

I'm not angry but will definitely be talking about the consequences if she is caught. I won't be mentioning it to the school, it would probably cause more harm than good to get the school involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
sambam78 · 20/10/2023 20:29

Fireisland · 20/10/2023 20:22

But you didn't know did you

Show quote history

I don't think that there are many, if any teenagers that openly admit to their parents that they are having sex in school. She messages me every day, I would like to think I know most of what is going on. We've always had a very open relationship.

I don't want this to become a thread where you tell me my child shouldn't be at boarding school because ultimately she's not your child.

OP posts:
Fireisland · 20/10/2023 20:34

sambam78 · 20/10/2023 20:29

I don't think that there are many, if any teenagers that openly admit to their parents that they are having sex in school. She messages me every day, I would like to think I know most of what is going on. We've always had a very open relationship.

I don't want this to become a thread where you tell me my child shouldn't be at boarding school because ultimately she's not your child.

Show quote history

I'm not saying your child shouldn't be at boarding school. I'm saying that I don't think there's much you can do to stop a teenager having sex when they're not under your supervision. This is why people don't allow sleepovers with the opposite sex etc

Snowinjulyy · 20/10/2023 21:15

Where else is she supposed to do it? At your house on a Saturday? In a field somewhere?

I'd be more outraged at the people gossiping about her.

SockQueen · 20/10/2023 21:37

I was a day pupil at a boarding school. People did have sex (not me, I was the ugly nerdy one) but actually probably less frequently than might have been expected! There are usually plenty of potential locations/opportunities.

However, if she is caught she could well be in serious trouble with the school, so it might be worth mentioning that along with the contraceptive chat.

Sartre · 20/10/2023 21:37

Really common occurrence in boarding school tbh. My DH went to one and his best friend lost his virginity at school aged 13 ffs… Just make sure she’s using contraception and be grateful she isn’t 13.

InterFactual · 21/10/2023 06:55

She's at boarding school. What do you expect when you leave your child's emotional needs unattended for weeks at a time? I don't understand parents who don't want to parent, boarding schools shouldn't exist.

DdraigGoch · 21/10/2023 07:53

It's probably worth helping her to make sure that her contraception is bombproof - implant or whatever. Otherwise there's not a lot you can do.

Zebedee55 · 21/10/2023 08:29

You won't stop a teenager, who wants to have sex, from having sex - wherever they live.

Teenagers do what they do, and tell their parents what their parents want to hear...

MissTrip82 · 21/10/2023 08:33

What did you say to your friend to set her straight? To let her know ‘gossip’ trying to shame young women for having sex is disgusting, that her son should have more respect for women as people than to spread his nasty judgmental opinions, that you support your daughter and are not interested in the opinions of misogynists?

Writingwrite888 · 21/10/2023 09:26

MissTrip82 · 21/10/2023 08:33

What did you say to your friend to set her straight? To let her know ‘gossip’ trying to shame young women for having sex is disgusting, that her son should have more respect for women as people than to spread his nasty judgmental opinions, that you support your daughter and are not interested in the opinions of misogynists?

I agree with this!! The judgey-sounding gossiping is the gross thing here, not the fact that a teenager is having sex.

Don’t shame her for it! Let her know she can talk to you about anything, and help her get contraception if she hasn’t already.

Writingwrite888 · 21/10/2023 09:27

InterFactual · 21/10/2023 06:55

She's at boarding school. What do you expect when you leave your child's emotional needs unattended for weeks at a time? I don't understand parents who don't want to parent, boarding schools shouldn't exist.

Oh come on - think what you like about boarding school - but she’d be doing it at home if she lived there. She’s a teenager and she wants to!

Can we stop shaming women for having sexual desire?!? It’s 2023 now!