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Original poster

Anyone just sick of Autism and everything that comes with it?

15 replies

Sickofneurodivergent · 19/10/2023 20:05

I’m just so fucking sick and tired of being autistic. I’m overwhelmed all the time, everything is too loud, too bright, too touchy, everything is just bloody overwhelming and I’m struggling.

I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16 in 2011, looking back it was bloody obvious but this was late 90s early 2000s, very few had any idea. I refused all help after I was diagnosed as I couldn’t cope with being seen as different, and basically went into myself. Nowadays, I’m more comfortable with being seen as different because I need to be seen as different otherwise I get no help and no sympathy.

I feel like I’m getting worse as I’m getting older. Is this a thing?

Im disabled because I am autistic. It pisses me off when you get those people who are like autism is just a difference, not a disability. Fuck off with your not a disability shit. It’s a fucking disability and it fucking sucks. It’s not and never has been a superpower. You get the odd autistic person who is a savant in something but that still doesn’t mean autism is a superpower.

If you’re not disabled by it or have any difficulties, are you actually autistic or do you just have traits of autism? You may just be really good at masking but equally you just might not be autistic, you might just have some traits, maybe you have adhd or social communication issues. I don’t know. I’m not gatekeeping or anything but just pointing out different things.

I also hate people in public who don’t get it. I rarely make eye contact, people I know I look at their mouth, people I don’t know I won’t even look at, people I know but they make me uncomfortable I don’t look at either. There is the odd person who I will look at their eyes, chances are they are very close to me or they have brown eyes. I often look at peoples eyes when they’re not looking at me.

a local autism charity have a group that meets up every week but you have to go independently. I can’t cope with that. It’s not accessible.

I’m what you would typically describe as ‘high functioning’. I appear that way anyway to most people. At least I thought I did anyway. But I watched ‘love on the spectrum’ and i was like Christ they come across as quite awkward and bumpy. I asked my parent who I was watching it with, if I appeared like that and they were like yes you do. That was a shock. Honestly I thought I was doing well at appearing on the surface as relatively typical. That was a moment of realisation. I was like shite, do I come across as awkward and bumpy. I was distraught.

im not just autistic either which doesn’t bloody help.

is it just me?

OP posts:
DsTTy · 19/10/2023 20:11

What other things do you have going on in your life? Everyones autistic in our house, my wider family are autistic, as are my husbands.

There are two main things that seem to cause issues:

  1. Growing up in an unloving and unstable home and dealing with the trauma/insecurity this causes
  2. Being an autistic individual with ADHD, hence, being unable to regulate their emotions without medication
Floopdifloo · 19/10/2023 20:15

It’s not just you. It’s shit.

Sethos · 19/10/2023 20:19

I get it. Totally agree on the superpower bullshit, too. It’s a disability - it disables me!

Not19foreverpullyourselftogether · 19/10/2023 20:25

I get it. It’s caused severe anxiety and loneliness for my ASD DC. Their life, although ‘high functioning’ (for want of a better phrase) is considerably more difficult than their siblings’. They experience it as a disability.

viviennebastard · 19/10/2023 20:54

All the ASD superpower stuff is aimed at "pass for normal" people (who absolutely struggle) but for people that cannot stay on, or even get onto, life's conveyor belt it is absolutely shit.

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 19/10/2023 20:57

It is extremely hard.
one of mines autistic; it’s harder for him than his peers and siblings.

Universalsnail · 19/10/2023 22:57

Yes.

But for me it's not just autism. It's the untreated ADHD too and a boat load of trauma.

But yes I am 100 percent over it now and would like to have a normal life please.

Catwoman1985 · 19/10/2023 23:14

Yeah, it's crap. The world is exhausting.

DracunculusVulgaris · 19/10/2023 23:15

It is utter shit! It has blighted my whole life - everything from education to employment, relationships, friendships ( whatever they are!), I am socially inept, awkward and clumsy, constantly feel like a fish gasping on the bank, well aware that I am perceived as 'odd' or 'weird' by my peers, work colleagues and total strangers, have missed so much in life because of anxiety, fear or dislike of things which NT people take for granted, get weepy and tearful about it, but know that it will never change.

I am 60 now and know that I will spend the remainder of my life bumbling along, never achieving much, feeling that I am crap at everything I try to do and just existing until the end. I hate this wicked, soul destroying, blasted, blighted, dehumanising condition with a passion and hate myself. Superpowers? Utter bollocks. I yearn to be 'normal', but know that it will never be and cannot find peace

Lolarosemarie · 19/10/2023 23:16

Sickofneurodivergent · 19/10/2023 20:05

I’m just so fucking sick and tired of being autistic. I’m overwhelmed all the time, everything is too loud, too bright, too touchy, everything is just bloody overwhelming and I’m struggling.

I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16 in 2011, looking back it was bloody obvious but this was late 90s early 2000s, very few had any idea. I refused all help after I was diagnosed as I couldn’t cope with being seen as different, and basically went into myself. Nowadays, I’m more comfortable with being seen as different because I need to be seen as different otherwise I get no help and no sympathy.

I feel like I’m getting worse as I’m getting older. Is this a thing?

Im disabled because I am autistic. It pisses me off when you get those people who are like autism is just a difference, not a disability. Fuck off with your not a disability shit. It’s a fucking disability and it fucking sucks. It’s not and never has been a superpower. You get the odd autistic person who is a savant in something but that still doesn’t mean autism is a superpower.

If you’re not disabled by it or have any difficulties, are you actually autistic or do you just have traits of autism? You may just be really good at masking but equally you just might not be autistic, you might just have some traits, maybe you have adhd or social communication issues. I don’t know. I’m not gatekeeping or anything but just pointing out different things.

I also hate people in public who don’t get it. I rarely make eye contact, people I know I look at their mouth, people I don’t know I won’t even look at, people I know but they make me uncomfortable I don’t look at either. There is the odd person who I will look at their eyes, chances are they are very close to me or they have brown eyes. I often look at peoples eyes when they’re not looking at me.

a local autism charity have a group that meets up every week but you have to go independently. I can’t cope with that. It’s not accessible.

I’m what you would typically describe as ‘high functioning’. I appear that way anyway to most people. At least I thought I did anyway. But I watched ‘love on the spectrum’ and i was like Christ they come across as quite awkward and bumpy. I asked my parent who I was watching it with, if I appeared like that and they were like yes you do. That was a shock. Honestly I thought I was doing well at appearing on the surface as relatively typical. That was a moment of realisation. I was like shite, do I come across as awkward and bumpy. I was distraught.

im not just autistic either which doesn’t bloody help.

is it just me?

No you're absolutely spot on it really is shit. I accept and embrace it as much as I can, but it's not a superpower it's just fucking shit.

I'm also a late diagnosis and I've decided that makes it even shitter as my whole childhood feels like an absolute lie.

I would say 'hope you feel better soon' but like you I know it doesn't work like that 🤣

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 19/10/2023 23:21

Same

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/10/2023 23:32

That sounds awful.
I'm a 46 year old woman who has just started with diagnosis.

Life has been hell for me as a divergent woman. Where shall I start? At least you were diagnosed early. There are ZERO resources for women my age. Zero.

Startyabastard · 19/10/2023 23:35

I have severe adult ADHD and I can sympathise xxxx
Hugs, you're not alone xxxx

notmyoldusername · 19/10/2023 23:46

Not just you ❤️

Bluetor · 19/10/2023 23:57

Yes, and it's hard to see how it affects others as well. I spent last month interviewing people to join a team at work. Internally, we'd specifically said that it would be good to recruit autistic people because the work fits us/them. None of the people with a diagnosis or clear autistic traits made it past the interview stage. Not because they weren't capable, but because the panel couldn't see how capable they are. I felt so unseen in my arguments for hiring them and by extension how my colleagues must perceive me. And so sad for the people who are likely going to run into these obstacles again and again. I want to scoop us all up and start a new company where we can just be ourselves and get the work done instead of having to try to jump these invisible and in all honestly nonsensical hoops.

And at the same time I've been too scared to blow the house down on this. Because what if I'm wrong and the bumpiness and not fitting in easily would mean they had a hard time and we'd end up with burnt-out employees?

Part of me just wants to quit, but then soon it will be me sitting at that side of the table and I just feel too old to go through that humiliating ritual again.

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