Can you ever, ever criticise a family member's partner to them?

[MonsieurHerculePoirot]

I'm thinking the answer is almost always a resounding no, but thought I'd ask the question. I have a family member whose DP has caused offence to just about everyone in the family on many separate occasions over the last few years. The DP cannot ever seem to 'read the room' and often comes off as very abrupt and abrasive as a result, with no regard for how their communication will be received. They are also very touchy and constantly raise issues with people's behaviour they dislike, even down to very minor things, but then are very sensitive to any perceived criticism of their own behaviour. I can give countless examples of this person's rude behaviour and how it's upset people but it'd be a very long list and it's kinda besides the point 😁

The tricky part is that I'm very close to the family member whose DP it is. This family member is a lovely person and we can talk about pretty much anything, but I've obviously never said anything about their DP's behaviour to them. Out of loyalty to this family member I've always tried to defend their DP to others in the family or at the very least, not join in the critiques of their behaviour, but it's really getting hard because their DP has again done something quite rude to me recently. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up to the DP directly because I know there is very little to be gained from it, but I've wondered whether there is any use bringing it up very carefully with this family member to say that their DP has upset me on a number of occasions and that it's getting to the point where my relationship with the family member themselves is suffering because I'm avoiding being in their DP's company.

I'm 99% sure this wouldn't be a good move because they will likely just get defensive on their DP's behalf and it'll damage the relationship even further, but I do know that if my DP was affecting my family relationships in this way I'd like to be told and I feel like I could listen to people's concerns without getting overly angry or defensive. I love this family member and I'm sad that I'm now distancing myself from them because I've been so upset by their DP. Has anyone ever tried to talk to someone about their DP's behaviour? Can it ever, ever not blow up horribly?

I would comment on but not criticise directly.

What stops you talking to the person whose behaviour is the issue? Or seeing the relative without their DP?

Don't defend this person's behaviour any longer. If they are rude to someone else, that person may feel they won't be supported if the behaviour is defended all the time.

Don't criticise, but don't defend.

I'm in a very similar situation where my best friend has a partner that makes social events miserable. He annoyed several people at my wedding. I would never mention it to her, but I absolutely did take other people's complaints seriously.

I think you're right in saying that it'll cause further friction bringing it up now to your family member. I think you need to address the comments/rude behaviour as they come up rather than letting it fester. The next time you're with family member and their DP and they're rude or thoughtless, you need to say something. For example, 'I don't think that's appropriate to say.... Are you aware that comment was a little insensitive?....'

@C8H10N4O2 They are essentially a package deal which is part of the problem - the DP doesn't like this family member to do things without them. I know it'd be pointless to try and talk to the DP about their behaviour because they'll just double down on it and they've never shown any self-awareness or interest in how their behaviour comes across.

If a relative's DP was blocking them from seeing people alone I'd have far more concerns than the DP upsetting my family tbh.

If the person would double down and deny to you, why would they be different with your relative?

@C8H10N4O2 The DP doesn't block them per se, just they're one of those people who likes to do everything together and they also have very few friends of their own and no family nearby.

I agree with @C8H10N4O2 - there are much bigger problems here and it sounds like your family member (why are you hiding gender BTW? It just makes it so difficult to read) is probably in a controlling relationship whether or not they are aware of it.

Personally, I think that if they are a package deal and come everywhere together, it's fine to say something to the DP. the old classic MN, "did you mean to be so rude?" perhaps. You don't have to create a huge fight but simple responses like, "that is quite offensive actually" or whatever.

Also, if your relative IS in a controlling relationship, part of the control will be the belief that their DP is universally loved and no one will believe you. So sending some signals that actually you aren't wild about their behaviour, is not necessarily a bad thing.

Oh, and also, another thing to bear in mind is that controlling partners go out of their way to make it difficult to be around the person's family or friends... over time, those relationships are then negatively impacted and the controlling partner gets to reduce the contact that their victim has with their own support structure. Your situation sounds a bit like a similar one I'm aware of where the abusive partner CLAIMED to love being with family as they had none of their own etc etc, and yet he sabotaged, or attempted to sabotage, almost every interaction with her family over a period of years. It nearly worked too.

I think the family member is probably aware of how unpleasant her DP is.
And she might not have much of a choice in him always being there.

Can you ask directly if you can spend time just the 2 of you?

I did this recently with a friend. The last time I had seen her was at her house, and I really didn’t like the way her husband spoke to her, and spoke to me about her. It was obvious that they had had some sort of disagreement and he was still annoyed, but I found it really disrespectful towards her for him to talk like that in front of me.

So the next time I saw her, which was several months later, after she talked about their ongoing marriage with problems, I raised how disrespectful his behaviour was. Even though it was in the same conversation of him being a lazy father and husband, and my comments were limited to explaining the situation and how I find it disrespectful that he spoke to her like that in front of me, and inappropriate that he complained about her to me, she really didn’t like what I said and started criticising completely unrelated things I had done.

So, unless it’s an abusive situation where someone needs that guidance, I’m leaning towards staying out of it!

This sounds similar to my db and his gf. The pair of us can't even go to a gig together without her needing to tag along, she doesn't even like the bands.

She really pissed me off last week and I finally asked my brother why she was being such a twat he fully agreed with me she was. He finally put his foot down.

I absolutely love my brother so no real option but to put up with her but I've decided I'm going to be absolutely firm with her from now on.

A close relative of mine , similar age took up with a totally unsuitable partner (several other illegitimate kids which we later found out) They lasted 7 years before he left along with his siblings
The thing is the relative never thinks she has done anything wrong and criticises everyone else for their failings Hard

Is there any mileage in you swooping in, just at the point of him finishing speaking, with a totally different topic to minimise (dismiss, really) his opinions, importance and self-esteem?
I’ve done this to someone and found it effective.

@GingerIsBest sorry, didn't mean to be vague but it's a female DP. I do think she is controlling to a degree but it's presented as more of a vulnerability/need on her part. It sounds a lot like your situation @Crooklodge, how did you raise it with your brother and was he defensive about it?

Honestly, it's not about whether it's a "tactically good move" or not. My family and I are very honest about each others' partners, good bad and ugly.

Life is too short to pussy foot around someone who is an ass. You can come up with creative ways to let them know they are being an ass, so you don't rock the boat too severely, but just smiling and nodding for years on end can't be healthy for you, or the family member dating/married to this person. At least express to the family member concerned that you find their DP difficult due to X, Y and Z. I would be floored if they were surprised by the feedback!