Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Love life abroad but miss my mum

23 replies

bow29 · 18/10/2023 18:57

DH and I moved abroad 2 years ago, we are in North America. We love our life here and our quality of life is so much better. We love the culture, I love my job and earn more than I would do at home, love the access to nature. Life is just generally better for us here. We have no real plans as to when we will return home, it's open ended. If it wasn't for having family back home I would probably live here forever.

But alongside all the happiness I have sometimes have pangs of feeling sad because I really miss my mum.

I am mid 30s and we were close before I moved here, lots of days out together that sort of thing. Her circumstances mean she is not in a position to come out to visit really, so I only see her when we visit home.

There is no simple resolve to this, they are two separate things that can never co-exist: our great life in a new country and being able to spend time with my mum who I love dearly. I will one day have to make the 'permanent' decision which one I choose.

Not sure why I'm writing this, I guess because she has just text me some old photos she found and it made me sad.

I would love to hear if anyone else is in the same position?

OP posts:
JamSandle · 18/10/2023 19:01

I lived overseas for a while but missed family so much I came back. There's no right or wrong choice. They say home is where the heart is.

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 19:05

Yes, I live in the USA too. It has been 12 years and I miss my mum especially. It is so hard and I try to visit as much as possible but it is hard with the expense and having a school aged child. I tried to talk to my dh about moving back but he is doing really well career wise over here and would struggle to find similar work in the UK. My teenage daughter is also settled here as she has been here since she was 2. FaceTime has been a life saver and I try and talk to her a few times a week. We have become US citizens but I plan on spending more time with my mum in uk once my dd has gone to college (she is thinking about college in the UK) but that is still 4 years away...

shininglight16 · 18/10/2023 19:09

I'm in the exact same situation as you and regret not being close to my mom. It's a matter of choosing what is most important to you and willing to make sacrifices such as less pay when you come back etc. I hope you're happy with whatever you decide good luck!

coxesorangepippin · 18/10/2023 19:10

Yeah same here.

I'm in Canada and like others absolutely love it over here. It's so much better!! Especially for my kids.

But I miss my mother a lot.

Sybila · 18/10/2023 19:12

My daughter lives overseas and I miss her so much too. We make the best of it but like you she’s a bit torn though I’d never let her know how much I miss her as her life is there now.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/10/2023 19:28

Oh this thread is making me sad. I have 2 sons but one looks like he'll probably travel internationall for work (or his girlfriend). I don't think it's quite the same relationship as the mother-daughter relationship but I can see that I'd miss out on lots if he moved and lived abroad.

I guess the question would be, OP, is if she would move out to live where you are? Or does she have lots of family and friends in the UK still?

shininglight16 · 18/10/2023 19:29

Sybila · 18/10/2023 19:12

My daughter lives overseas and I miss her so much too. We make the best of it but like you she’s a bit torn though I’d never let her know how much I miss her as her life is there now.

Bless @Sybila my mom is the same. Everytime I'm low and I tell her that I miss her she says you have your daughter now and smiles. But deep down I know she's in pain. I've seen her crying 😞

cafesandbookshops · 18/10/2023 19:37

Aww i know how you feel and its very hard. I spent almost a decade abroad in my twenties in a few different countries and met my husband abroad. In the end, I chose to come home to be closer to my family and I don’t regret it. I also have a new found appreciation for the UK that I didn’t have before. Ultimately only you can decide but no decision is ever permanent and you need to think about what’s most important to you.

Original poster
bow29 · 18/10/2023 19:47

Thanks everyone, I am grateful for the responses. It makes it feel easier to think that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

My mum would never move here, she still has a full life at home and has always lived in the same place. But I know she misses me desperately and would give anything to have me home, we are so close so I know me leaving has left a visible hole in her life.

It's so hard isn't it 😔

OP posts:
InterFactual · 18/10/2023 19:56

Your poor mother. I know I could never leave mine no matter how green the grass was over there.

ZoeyBartlett · 18/10/2023 20:18

Can you get an air mile credit card and use the miles to bring her out to you for visits?

Original poster
bow29 · 18/10/2023 21:51

InterFactual · 18/10/2023 19:56

Your poor mother. I know I could never leave mine no matter how green the grass was over there.

Do you feel better with yourself now you've said that?

OP posts:
Original poster
bow29 · 18/10/2023 21:52

ZoeyBartlett · 18/10/2023 20:18

Can you get an air mile credit card and use the miles to bring her out to you for visits?

She wouldn't travel on her own and she doesn't have a partner so she's really limited with her options, but I would happily pay for her flights in a heartbeat if I could!

I am feeling a bit better now after my wobble earlier, I'm so grateful for all the responses and hope everyone else is ok.

OP posts:
BumpedIntoBenAffleck · 18/10/2023 22:01

It's a difficult one.
If I mention how much I miss my mum (to her), she normally tells me to buckle down 😂 tells me this is life and I need to be where I am for the sake of my family.
She also happily reminds me, how she moved countries, and that was during a time when you barely spoke again (extremely costly international calls); so you'd wait for a letter to arrive. (Came from a poorer country).

It's difficult, and you do feel so torn. Honestly, in my ideal world, my whole family would be living near me
😂

I also have siblings who live abroad, but FaceTime and social media generally have made staying in touch so much easier.

BumpedIntoBenAffleck · 18/10/2023 22:03

@bow29 also people will talk about how they could never- but the reality is you don't know what your children will decide and where they'll live. I'd hate to be the one to stop them from achieving their dreams.

Katlife · 05/03/2024 13:30

Hi @bow29 i lived in Canada for 6years before coming back to Australia. It was really hard. I missed my parents. I was alone in Canada. But I now I miss Canada so much. It’s never an easy choice. My mum is also an expat I know what it’s like to grow up without grandparents and that it’s always made me sad I couldn’t have seen them more. As they lived so far away. And cost of air-flights is just too much. I guess it depends how much better the quality of life is. And if you feel comfortable not seeing your mum. Cause that sort of pain can eat you. Especially as you get older. It’s all about your happiness and your life priorities.

StaringAtTheWater · 05/03/2024 13:35

Why won't she travel on her own? Surely you could meet her at the airport, so it's literally just a flight on her own. Is she very scared of flying?

Whataretalkingabout · 05/03/2024 14:12

It is really tough to be separated by an ocean, but for me it got better with time, though I have always been able to go home once a year. You do get used to it. I don't think I could go back permanently now, though I love my home country.

And don't forget, you are a role model for your children. My three adult children also live in three different countries. They are all very happy and I certainly can not complain. Be careful what you wish for!

Imisscoffee2021 · 05/03/2024 14:15

There's no right and wrong and sadly no perfect situation. Making these kinds of moves can help improve lifestyles for generations after but it comes with an emotional cost to the pnes who mkved in first place. My nanas generation were ten pound poms and only she and my grandad came back to uk so there was alot of heartache and missing eachother, its not easy :(

AmaryllisChorus · 05/03/2024 14:22

Is it financial issues that prevent her visiting? Could you fund a return ticket once a year? And then maybe go back to visit her once a year too?

Do you have a regular weekly Zoom call? Can you do something together when you are on it - not just catch up but some activity?

We used to do family quiz nights in lockdown. You could synchronise watches and both start a You Tube workout and do it together. Or take turns to swap recipes and then show how they turned out. Or have a project where you make something for each other and then send it. Or send each other plant seeds and update live on how they are growing. Or both read the same book and then chat about it online over a coffee or glass of wine. Things that make you feel connected rather than far away.

I don't know how you feel but soon will. DS is moving to the States soon on a very long term placement and may never return.

waterrat · 05/03/2024 14:42

Not travelling on her own seems to be the issue here then - can't you work on that.

Draw up a step by step route, plan - get her assistance even at the airport? talk her through each part of it - explain you would be there to meet her.

That would be transformative surely.

waterrat · 05/03/2024 14:43

given you asked on an anoymous site for thoughts, I think for me personally - family would probably in the end work out more important than other things...

so I would go back in this case. but ...it depends as you say how irreplaceble your life is there

I feel like in the end humans can be happy anywhere - it's the people that matter.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 05/03/2024 14:51

InterFactual · 18/10/2023 19:56

Your poor mother. I know I could never leave mine no matter how green the grass was over there.

Unnecessarily bitchy. It's obvious OP is struggling, pointed barbs won't be helping matters.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page