Moving past family size not being what you planned

[Miamisun]

For anyone who didn’t have the family they pictures for any reason (pregnancy loss, fertility, not meeting the right person, marriage break down)

How do you grieve and move past it all, grieve for the family you thought you might have?

Just looking for some hints and tips on how to improve my mental health and get on with my life of possible!

Honestly I’d suggest counselling if you can access and / or afford it. It has helped me so much after a recent MC. I never really pictured a family or planned for the future so that hasn’t been so much an issue.

I always wanted two DC however my DH already has 3 so he said he's only have one more (after we were married).

I've made my peace with it as I know I can provide my DS with an amazing lifestyle being the only child (of mine).

I would focus on the positives in your life and not think of the 'what if's'. And if you really can't process this alone, speak with a counsellor.

I had this after a pregnancy loss. Initially my husband was keen to try again then he had mental health issues for years that meant he felt he couldn't cope with another child. I was devastated as my fertility vanished and found it incredibly hard to get past, our family felt incomplete, I felt he'd cheated me by changing his mind. But then a close friend lost their child in a terrible accident. She had what was my dream family size so I'd been jealous of her. It completely changed my attitude and I focused on what I had instead. A hard lesson to learn but our relationship is stronger than ever and has even survived him telling me how much he wishes we had had another child (once it was too late)!

i have had so much counselling but it doesn’t seem to help. I understand my thoughts and feelings better but it never takes it away.

I miss the old version of myself before the trauma. I’m feeling really down just cried a lot today. Hopefully I will get out the funk soon. I do have more counselling booked to start soon.

Hi OP. I always wanted two children. After 4 years of infertility struggles and still no child, I now know that is not going to happen, we will have one at the most (if we manage to have one) because of our ages. We've agreed this and it's heartbreaking to me, but I know it's for the best.

It's really hard. To be honest I also don't really know how to get past it, I think I will always be sad about it in some ways but I guess I just try not to dwell on it too much because it is something that I just can't change. Infertility has become as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes and I can't do anything about it unless we want to be incredibly old parents which wouldn't be fair on the children.

Counselling can help I guess (I've had some too), talking about it with friend etc. as well and I think just having an identity outside of it can be really positive. I have hobbies and interests and a career which give me my identity and I don't need to rely on having a family for that, at least, so I still feel mostly fulfilled, and try to remember all the good in my life. That's all you can really do, but I hear you.

How old are your dc op?

i think it’s helpful to understand what you can control and what you can’t, letting go of what you can’t and focusing on the things you can.

I always wanted more than 1 DC because I was an only and I wanted my DS to have support. But I didn't find an established relationship when he was young enough and the age gap kept getting bigger. I also knew that whilst I could support my DS well by myself I couldn't do the same with another.

I reconciled it and focussed on him. I still worried about him being an only and us having a small family. But my DS is so happy being an only and has a wonderful group of supportive friends that whilst are not only DC they kind of are.

I also saw friends who had siblings that had no support.

I have secondary infertility and therefore am one and done against my wishes.

I have considered adoption/surrogacy etc and concluded they are not for me.

I have given myself time to be sad, allowed myself to book spa days and wallow in my thoughts, pour a glass of wine and cry about it and tried to be kind to myself and acknowledge that yes while I'm lucky in many ways this sucks and it's sad.

I'm now two years past the news and trying to focus on other things I love and really pouring my energy into them, that's helped a great deal.

I may not have the other child/children I dreamed of but I get lots of freedom and financial security from havign one.

So a combo of finding the positives and focusing on lovely challenges.

Sending love it's a hard reality when you can't control your own family
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