Y5 dd in tears every day - is this usual?

[SunflowerBaby]

Dd is almost 10, Y5 at school, and is on the assessment pathway for autism but has low support needs. She isn't obviously autistic unless you know her really well, so it's blurring the lines between what is 'normal' Y5 girl behaviour and what might potentially her having social difficulties due to autism.

She's always loved school, great academically and very popular with lots of friends, no problems at all right the way up until the summer. She started Y5 in September and has a teacher who is brand new to the school and this is his first ever class teacher job. She hasn't warmed to him at all, which isn't helped by the fact she loved her teacher last year so much. I've been telling her to give him a chance to settle in and things might improve.

The problem we're having is that she's coming home almost every day in tears because of different things that have been happening. Mainly friendship issues and there's seems to be a different fall-out every day. It's usually other people falling out and she somehow gets involved, or her friends aren't including her and playing with other people, or she's sitting alone at lunch and no one wants to be her partner in PE. She doesn't feel supported by her teacher at all, who often speaks to the others involved and tells her it's all been a misunderstanding when she's upset. She's worried about school all the time now and says she hates it, which is the complete opposite of our school experience from reception to y4. She came home today again in tears and said she feels like she's never good enough for anyone

I know that Y5 onwards is when friend dynamics start to change and fall-outs happen, but it's like a switch has been flipped and it's gone from 0-100 in the space of one summer.

Is this completely normal for this age group, or does it sound like there may be other issues at play here? DH wants to contact the school but I'm unsure as I don't know if it's just usual behaviour or if she's in need of more support.

Can anyone help?

I remember being in a class at y5/6 and people were just insulting me, I was crying my eyes out, but forced to stay there for the whole lesson.

Be glad your child is telling you, my parents would not have had a clue

I still have a panic/sobbing reaction to being trapped in a place where people are being negative. Or just feeling trapped at all. I never told anyone.

This is awful, I'm sorry. I didn't have an open relationship with my parents and would never tell them anything either, including some nasty stuff I went through in my teens, so I'm really trying to cultivate a better relationship with dd as it's what I would have loved to have.

Thanks for understanding, you sound like a lovely Mam, tbf I got over it and was ok in secondary. I had friends and was always a bit on the fringes but it wasn't all doom and gloom.

This.

High functioning autistic girls are often apparently great in primary - compliant, well-behaved, quiet - but internally they're struggling more and more.

Our DD gradually got quieter, sadder and less social as it became harder to navigate relationships in the upper primary years, and ended up in total burnout soon after starting secondary school - it's taken several years for her even to begin to recover.

Look for additional support if you can.

Completely normal (but heart-breaking) for my ASC DS who came home crying almost everyday from primary school due to similar issues. Things improved for him after diagnosis and proper support which meant he was generally less overwhelmed and more able to cope, and age helped also (on both sides I think) - he had a group of (quirky) friends by year 9.

I can’t comment on any asc issues but - hormones - dd’s hormones, classmates hormones, girls hormones sending them in one direction, boys hormones sending them in another direction. Throw in a teacher she can’t expect comfort from because he’s new (it’s hard going from a well known cuddly blanket to having to learn a new teacher), I’m not surprised she’s flailing around. NT dd did too.

Keep home safe, encourage friendships outside, some gentle, appropriate explanations and, for yours, try for appropriate guidance. And for everyone’s sake, monitor her online activity like a hawk.

Thanks again everyone for the advice. I'm sorry so many of you have children who have gone through the same thing.

I emailed the SENCO last night, as I needed to return some forms to her anyway, and mentioned what's been happening. I'll also email the school office and ask them to pass it on to her class teacher. Just hoping she has a better day today!

This.

My Dd appeared fine with a few problems. We thought she was OK. At 17 she’s in total burnout. As l said l would push for special school.

Look at the Autistic Girls Network paper ‘Keeping it all inside’.

Girls internalise and people think they’re ok. But they’re not. They end up burning out in secondary.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow sorry to hear about your dd. This is a story I am reading time and time again, that girls are hitting secondary school and having complete breakdowns. This is why I'm so keen to get my own dd assessed before leaving primary but the wait in my area is 3+ years.

I have read that piece already, when I first started researching for dd to bring my concerns up with the school around a year ago. Well worth a read to anyone following this thread

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do.

I have similar but in year 6. My child has gone from really happy to really miserable. I think the school have done some things around friendship and awards that have been very unhelpful and exacerbated things. So I wish I could tell you next year will be better. But i also think the best learning takes place when times are rough, so navigating this successfully will help
build resilience in the long run.

Just keep talking to her and the school. Try not to get SO involved it becomes personal, as that muddies the water. Encourage positive times away from school including friendships within hobbies. If there’s anything your daughter is really into consider doing more of that. Just small things that bring joy.

Thank you, that is good advice. This is the sort of thing I'm trying to do, not get too involved in the constant 'drama' but still be there to listen and talk and encourage positive thinking and activities. It makes me so sad that she's so sad

Sorry to hear about your dd's struggles too. It sounds all too common.

But i also think the best learning takes place when times are rough, so navigating this successfully will help build resilience in the long run

Im not sure this is true for ND kids. They just refuse to go to school anymore. They are in ‘rough’ NT environments all the time.

Hi OP, Caudwell Kids do subsidised ASD assessments - worth a look if you meet their criteria.

I have read of posters on here having success with accessing assessments through Choose and Book.

If you are prepared to travel and could take a last minute cancellation, you may well be able to bring the cost and wait time down.

We've had no issue with the NHS accepting our private assessments, either.

Thanks for this, I'd not heard of Cauldwell Kids but unfortunately our household income is over the threshold. Sounds like a great service though and hopefully very useful to many people on lower incomes.