Hello everyone
It's very hard to write this but I know that I must because it is the hardest time of my life and I have to make decisions soon. We had confirmation of Downs last week and getting more information on it didn't happen in a good way, if it ever can: two chance conversations with doctors, one a routine obstetrician appointment set up before the confirmation, one a consultant pulled in from the corridor to discuss my high HCG rate. The former started going on about termination when I was only 1:11 chance - I was completely shocked as knew nothing about Downs Syndrome or why anyone would terminate.
The second doctor, after Downs had been confirmed, threw out the increased risk of cancer and leukemia without emotion while listing off a whole load of other medical problems. My DP survived stage three cancer at the age of 29 and to hear this completely broke him, he was sobbing in front of the midwife and consultant. I felt something in me shut off or switch at that moment: we can't do this if he might have to watch our child suffer with chemotherapy as he did. We of course have subsequently discovered that the treatment rate of leukemia is great and people with Downs are in fact LESS likely to suffer from some cancers, but it was a very formative moment in my decision-making to see him react like that, it flipped something in my head, and it set up the conversations between us in the next few days, which have mostly centred on risk and the fact that we can't handle it.
In the week that has passed, without my realising, I have pursued lots of information from that particular perspective. As with many people I've seen on Mumsnet the risk of the unknown is almost unbearable: having to make a choice to take a gamble on health issues that could be serious, or could be minimal, is more than any parent can really be expected to do. We have an amazing DD and we are older parents - I am 43 - meaning that she would also have a lot of responsibility in her thirties and forties.
But at this stage I find myself suddenly realising that somewhere along the line I haven't been able to examine what I think personally, in myself, because of feelings towards my DP and my daughter. I'm scared of doing something not right by myself as it would have repercussions later. But when you are in a family, where is the line between your own choice and the choice made for the family?
I have always struggled with asking for what I want. Part of me thinks it was my path to be a carer to a vulnerable child and adult: if I were single with no other child I would. Part of me knows I wouldn't be able to cope as well as some women: I find our adored DD a handful enough, and am still trying to find the parts of myself that got submerged when we had her.
I am also haunted by the fact that I had a termination at 37 because I got pregnant by someone the first time I slept with them and didn't want to be with him. It was the right decision at the time but I found myself broken six months later, because the one thing I knew was that I wanted a child. It was lifechanging and it led to meeting DP and having our daughter. But I know the shock of that termination is feeding into this - of acting automatically without examining my feelings.
Final thing to say is that this is a longed for child and it looks like our last chance with my own eggs, as I had a missed miscarriage in June: my eggs must have changed a lot in the last couple of years.
Does anyone else have experience of trying to dig down for what they personally want underneath the feelings of others and responsibilities? Am I missing something? I'm trying to think as selfishly as possible to get this right, but maybe that's not right either? (Please be gentle as this is the worst time in my life!)
Thank you.