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Original poster

Hobby time

15 replies

newandconfused5 · 14/10/2023 21:18

I would post in AIBU but I am not brave enough!

For background, been with DP for 10 years, 3 children, 8,4 & 1.

I work two days a week in a professional job.

DP works 6 days a week, so only one day a week family time.

DP has a hobby that is 24 hours minimum at a time. Although the time spent doing the hobby is 24 hours. It take up much longer than this for travel, packing up and unpacking etc.. so actually a 24 hour session takes up two days of time (if that makes sense).
DP expects to be able to do this hobby once a month, every month.

I on the other hand have not been able to do any hobby's ever since having children (thanks to extended breastfeeding).
The last time I had any child free time (apart from work) was for a lunch with friends in July 2022! I have never left the children for a night and DP has never even put the children to bed.

Am I being a cow for feeling like these monthly hobby trips take the piss!

I am very sleep deprived and feeling very overwhelmed recently. I can't work out of my lack of free time is my fault or if this is unfair?
Thanks

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 15/10/2023 07:57

I'm breastfeeding multiple children and I have hobby time every month. I just do it in much shorter bursts than your husband. Are you saying he has one weekend away a month for his hobby or does it 12 times a year? Assuming you can afford it that seems reasonable to me.

You both need to feel fulfilled and happy but that doesn't mean you need equal hours physically away from the children. It's OK to have your downtime upstairs or in the local coffee shop for an hour at a time so you don't need to pump etc.

Fifireee · 15/10/2023 07:59

Your dp shouldn’t be working 6 days. Can you do more so he doesn’t have to. Working that much is unhealthy.

Phineyj · 15/10/2023 08:04

So you and your DH have 3 kids together, one a baby. And he's at home (during the day) 3 days a month. It's certainly an interesting approach to family life!

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Families
Wrongsideofpennines · 15/10/2023 08:09

You don't have to tell him to reduce his hobby time. You need to tell him you need some time away from the children for your own wellbeing and work out a schedule together as to how to achieve that. He needs to see himself that this is not equitable because I don't think he's likely to just give it up because you told him to.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/10/2023 08:42

What hobby takes 24 hours?

aswarmofmidges · 15/10/2023 08:52

Ultra marathon?

Original poster
newandconfused5 · 15/10/2023 20:42

Thank you for your replies...

The hobby is fishing. And 24 hours is a quick trip, he would want to go for 48 hours if he could (and he does sometimes!)

To answer some questions.

DP works 5 days a week. The 6th day working he is available on the phone for work but he is home doing the childcare for the baby and school run for the older ones whilst I work.

I work two days a week but due to childcare, this is currently all that we can do for another year. Work are always asking me to pick up more hours. Just not possible at the moment.

3 days a month is what is spent as a family, which is not enough. I feel terrible for DP having to work so much. It is just the way it is at the moment to cover all of our outgoings.

Once a month he goes off for his hobby, which isn't too much I know. His annual leave is usually used also to help with this (as I say 24 hours takes up two days) which is another problem really. Leaving even less time with the family!

I could have some child free time but feel guilty as this would eat in to our 3 days a month! So I don't take the time. I try and use these days to go swimming with the kids or an activity I find difficult to do on my own the the children.

I guess it's just a hard rough patch! But thank you all for your replies x

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2023 20:59

Why has their father never put his children to bed in 8 years?

Original poster
newandconfused5 · 15/10/2023 21:04

He does help with the bedtime routine.

And I do tell a lie actually, he has out the older two to bed once without me, when the baby had an overnight stay in hospital.

But other than that one occasion, I haven't left the kids overnight.

Which is crazy writing it down. In 8.5 years!

Other than a 6 month period, I have been pregnant or breastfeeding (or both), always fed baby to sleep and poor sleepers, so never felt like I could leave them overnight.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 15/10/2023 21:31

Like other posters, I don't think the hobby is the issue here.

I think it is good for ALL parents to take some time to do something they enjoy on regular basis. As others have said, that can be a coffee or a walk or it could be something more structured like joining a choir or going to a book club or a rock climbing evening.

The fact you have chosen not to do that isn't your dh's fault I presume ? As your posts go on and the information changes, it seems he works 5 days rather than 6, and he does the childcare on one of those days, when you work.

I can't understand why he doesn't put his dc to bed (unless this is your choice through the aforementioned extended breastfeeding?) or is he in charge of cooking or washing up at that time ?

Original poster
newandconfused5 · 15/10/2023 22:29

Thank you for taking the time to reply. He works 5 days out of the home and the 6th day, whilst providing childcare, he has it organised that he just takes phone calls and answers urgent emails. So still working but at home and focusing on baby mainly (this has been approved by boss).

I suppose I have always been the one to put the children to sleep. Breastfeeding to sleep, with lots of wake ups and feeding back to sleep again. I have (so far) not felt happy leaving for the evening or overnight. It has always been on me ti get them back to sleep.
I have pretty much had a breastfeeding child constantly now for the past 8 years.

I do need to make time for me, but as i have said, this would fall on our three family days a month. It just feels selfish to do that.

My question I suppose, was am I right for feeling annoyed by his hobby time. This has been a constant thing every month for the past 8 years.

If we had lots of time I think I wouldn't mind. It's taking the very limited time we have together, and going away for the whole day, evening, night.. leaving me with three kids to sort, when I do this largely on my own already.

It's so hard at the moment.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 16/10/2023 00:19

My question I suppose, was am I right for feeling annoyed by his hobby time. This has been a constant thing every month for the past 8 years.

So my answer - and I think quite a few others are saying similar - is no, his hobby time is reasonable. The fact you have chosen to martyr yourself for over 8 years is literally your choice. He is making a different, and reasonable choice not to do that.

Your choices are very different from the ways dh and I chose to share the work out when our dc were babies and young dc, but if it is what you chose to do and you have been happy with that that's fine - we are all different. But that includes your dh - he needs a bit of 'breathing space' or 'me time' or 'relaxing time' or whatever you want to call it, and is taking it. There is nothing you have said that suggests he wouldn't be equally happy for you to take your own "me time" in whatever way you would like to whilst he looks after the dc.

Original poster
newandconfused5 · 16/10/2023 07:22

I never stop him from going. I just feel end of feeling annoyed with him. I guess I feel like I do a lot with the children and a lot of responsibility falls on me. When he goes away, even more falls on me which adds to the pressure.

I wish he played football for the afternoon or something! Ha.. it's a big chunk of the limited time we have.

But thank you everyone. Sounds like I am being unreasonable to feel annoyed so will try to stop!

Annoyed or not.. the fishing still goes ahead anyway.

Thank you again ❤️

OP posts:
Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 16/10/2023 08:22

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be be annoyed but I think you need to make sure you also get some time to yourself.

Universalsnail · 16/10/2023 13:52

I think him doing his hobby once a month is completely reasonable, what isn't reasonable is that you don't have your own hobby and that you should be able to get a hobby where you go out and leave the children with him. This reads like you are deciding to stay with the kids. Go out and leave them with him.

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