I'm worried I've ruined my DC lives

[Barb86]

WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING

Last year I had a complete mental health breakdown.
For various reasons I've always struggled with my mental health.
But things really came on top and I was so ill I couldn't function at all and couldn't eat. I lost so much weight and I was so so frightened.

I have 2 beautiful children 18 & 21. To my utter utter shame I took an overdose. I always said I would never do anything like that but I honestly thought they would be better off without me.

It was like an out of body experience when it happened and I still can't believe I did it.

I was sent to a psychiatric hospital where I stayed for 3 months. Although I feel better I am in very strong medication and at the moment feel very numb.

Im so frightened that I have messed up my childrens lives. I'm sure in a few years time this will come back and haunt me.
Eldest is already in therapy ( although this was before I got ill).

I so regret what happened and so frightened I have messed them up. This is really holding me back in my recovery .

This sounds so difficult and so easy for me to say but you must really try not to blame yourself for what was a period of ill health. Would you be this hard on yourself if you’d been ill in a physical way and had to step back from caring for them while you got better? I think as long as you have open discussions about what happened, how it felt and how you dealt with it, what was helpful, what was not, they can learn from your experience. If you have any regrets about the way you handled it they’re old enough for you to talk to them about what you wish you’d done differently. You are only human and you have not ruined their lives, your life is important too and hopefully there were people close to you all who swept in and helped them while you needed help yourself.

You have not ruined your children’s lives. Of course it will have scared them, they will need more support and it will naturally be a worrying and confusing time for them. But you did not choose this and you are on the path to slow recovery. It would be horrible for them if you had any other kind of illness too - and I’m sure you wouldn’t blame yourself if you had cancer or another long term debilitating condition.

Of course it is different but I think now is the time for focusing on getting better and having open and honest conversations with your DC. Many many families go through extremely hard times and have to learn to grow through this.

My dad attempted to take his own life twice, the third time he was unfortunately successful, I was late twenties at the time so still quite young to lose a parent. The first two attempts deeply impacted me, but his actual suicide is the thing that totally changed my life and I will never get over it. I've learned to live alongside it, but I will never be the same person I was before he ended his life. So I would say, use this experience as a wake up call, well done for getting the help you need and realising the impact on your children, and focus on keeping your mental health as stable as possible so that you can continue to be a part of your children's lives.

You need to forgive yourself, not that you have anything to forgive.

Like many illnesses, your illness will have impacted your children but they are resilient and they will adapt like many children have had to do since the dawn of time. It is not your responsibility as you didn't choose to get ill and are now focusing on your healing as you gave a right to do. Illnesses in family members is a part of life. There's nothing you could have done and they are lucky enough to still have you in their lives. It's a lot better than it could have been.

Family therapy might be helpful for all of you. If they have feelings, they need an opportunity to voice them and know that you care and respect them.

Thank you for your understanding. My DH was not supportive at all during this time.

I actually feel to get better I need to leave him. But I don't want to cause them anymore pain.

I'm so sorry you've been through what you have. I'm sure it was a difficult time for everyone, but mental ill health isn't your fault. I don't think you should look at this any differently from a life-threatening physical illness, like beating cancer. I hope you are through the worst. It sounds like your kids are getting the help and support they need, and you'll all come out the other side stronger.

If you feel need to leave him to get better then that is absolutely the right thing to do, for everyone. I’m so sorry he was not supportive through this. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I really hope you have other family and friends who didn’t let you down so badly.

Hi OP I’m really sorry to hear this, I hope you’re on the mend.

My mum took two overdoses, when I was in my early and mid twenties. She was going through a terrible time (debt, divorce and more besides) and she too thought we’d be better off. How wrong she was! Luckily her attempts were thwarted on both occasions and she has since remarried and is so happy.

I am now in my early thirties and only fleetingly remember those terrible times now and again. It was traumatic at the time and myself and my siblings didn’t know how to navigate our feelings and hers, in a way couldn’t separate our grief that she tried to leave us and the terrible depths she found herself in.

I just wanted to let you know it certainly didn’t ruin our lives, we were distraught for her but supported her as best we could and all moved on in time. There was a couple of years afterwards where if she didn’t pick up the phone or reply to a text straight away we were all calling each other in a panic but not for a long time. I’m sure you and your DC will move on too - you need to concentrate on your own recovery primarily. Sending best wishes.

When I told him I was really struggling and had suicidal thoughts he said " well make sure your will is up to date nd sort your pension out".

This is unforgivable isn't it? He has been awful the whole time. I want to leave but I don't want the children to loose their home. But I have no job or money.
I was looking at maybe a housekeeping job where I could live in but I'm not sure if I'm up to it. The medication I'm on makes me very tired.

Hi @Barb86 ,

This sounds so difficult. It won’t be helping you dealing with these enormous feelings of guilt, you have to try and let it go or put it aside and focus on getting better where you can. That’s the only way where you’ll get back to being the best mum you can be ❤️‍🩹

I think making any decisions right now should probably be something you do slowly. How long have you been out of hospital? Getting a part time job might be good for the routine and independence but you don’t want to put too much pressure on yourself.

What your partner said was horrible, it’s difficult for us to tell you what to do about your relationship without knowing everything. If you feel he is really holding you back/causing you misery then there is always a way out from him you’ve just got to find it.

Kids aren’t young so you can talk to them about some things and see what they say (in a gentle way without putting too much on them). Make sure they are getting therapy if you can as well as you.

You were ill. Just as any illness, it can’t be helped and it wasn’t your fault. Be kind to yourself.
Your dc will know that you were ill. Talk to them about how you’re feeling better. Focus on how far you have come and how much you love them.

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies. I know I need to leave but I would rather walk away with nothing than have to seek the family home just yet.

I just need to find a way to do this x

My sister lives in a European country and wants me to stay. But because of Brexit I can't work and only can stay for 90 days

I’m so sorry your “D”H has been so unsupportive. You deserve far better than that.
I wanted to say that I empathise. My kids are 10 and 15 and I had a 5 month admission to a psych hospital under section earlier this year with depression. It was so hard and I still feel so guilty for them. My friends and husband have reassured and reassured me that this is no more my fault than an illness like cancer would have been - and that at least for their futures they will have grown up talking openly about mental health and seeing that mental health problems deserve treatment and care just as much as physical health problems. I sort of know they’re right - but I also know how hard it is to believe.
Hugs to you - you aren’t alone - and take good care of yourself.

You needed help and you got it. You don't need to feel bad. Talk to your children openly about it so they have a chance to ask questions and tell you how they feel. This isn't your fault! It's your health and things get bad sometimes. It could happen to anyone literally. Just talk it out with your own therapist and with your family. It sounds like there's a lot of shame around it and talking will neutralize that shame. If you survived such a hard time you definitely can rehabilitate and start a new chapter in life. My DD overdosed several times over the past few years due to her abusive father (very unhelpful court system.) Even though we were powerless to change the facts of her life she managed to get herself in a place mentally where she could get through it, as a teenager. She's going to culinary school next year and it's the most exciting thing ever for me! She survived and chose a new path for her future. We talk about everything openly and while the pain might last awhile for me, there's no shame or any reason to feel bad. I wouldn't let her. It's a reverse situation so your children might have lingering feelings to work though, it's ok, just work through them. As long as they know and understand what happened and that you're open to working through the feelings they'll heal. It's a process.

That is really awful. Maybe talk to your doctor about it so you can try a medication regime that supports having a job? They would help you decide what to do. Pushing yourself to become financially independent and maintaining your health could be too much right now. Maybe take things one small step at a time. I tend to push myself and suffer mentally so I know it's not always good to do what we thing we have to do. It's better to make a decision in an empowered way with the right resources. Everyone needs a support network too. I agree you should be treated better, but don't push it so hard you have a mental break. A person can only take so much, that goes for anyone. Just take it slow and try to make new friends, look for jobs, talk to your doc, explore your options. I think if you can make decisions based on what you want instead of what you think you have to do, you will end up much happier and healthier. If you ever feel unsafe however, please get support through a shelter or something!

My dd has had 3, it’s been tough as a mum but it hasn’t ruined my life.If anything I’ve learnt a lot and think we’ll all come out the other side stronger.

You were ill and it’s no different to a physical illness. Just be open and show them how you’re working on things when you’re ready. It’s the not knowing that I struggle with but that’s my problem.