Am I sensitive re: MIL

[MistyMooPup]

MIL and SIL are very close. I live 150 miles from my mum, who still works and hasn’t got a lot of free time as she also does childcare for my brother and of course then Mum has her own life.

maybe part of this is to do with childhood neglect and I feel it again. Other than I’m not being neglected as such by MIL as well she’s not my mother.

We live in the same village as my SIL and MIL. I have to drive past SILs 3-4 times a day and see MIL there (parked up).

I also find that MiL likes to compare SILs DD to my DD. If I say my DD has a sports fixture on Sat and Sun. She’ll say oh it’s the same for SIL DD. We had a whatsapp group from Covid just with FIL and MIL. I still post on their DD achievements etc as they are GPs. They always say well done to my DD but then there is another comment like ‘once again your DD does well’

Over time I’ve limited contact with SIL and MIL as together they can be quite toxic, complaining a lot about friends and life in general.

Also as I work I don’t have as much time. SIL hasn’t worked for 17 years, that makes me resentful too.

I guess what I’m sad about is MIL and SIL being close, MIL being close to SIL DD. Being far from my mum; these are all reoccurring feelings. I can’t do a lot about them. I’ve tried therapy, we picked up on the childhood neglect I suffered.

Part of me just feels sad.

YABU

@DustyLee123 explain as I’m on ‘Chat’ not ‘AIBU’

I'm sorry about your childhood neglect, but that's not your MIl or SIL fault. You just sound jealous of their relationship. Which is fine and perhaps understandable, but your problem, not theirs.

Yes, you’re being over sensitive. Of course MIL is closer to her own daughter than to you! Look at your DD. If you have a son in the future and he marries, do you anticipate that you will be as close to your DIL as your DD? Think of the love you have for your DD, do you think that all that will become irrelevant when she’s an adult and you will form equally close relationships with any DILs you may end up with? It’s perfectly natural for your MIL to be close to her daughter, just as it is natural for you to feel close to your DD.

Well if you've distanced yourself from both of them over time it's hardly surprising that MIL and SIL are closer.

It sounds like you're very jealous of their relationship and their lifestyles to be honest but this is your problem not something they've done. You seem to be laying a lot of blame on your MIL for choices your mum and you have made.

My mum is very very close to my SIL, her DIL. Which is amazing, I think my Mum and my SIL have a very similar relationship to me and mum.

My brother is also very close to his MIL.

I don’t expect the same but I don’t like how MIL is always comparing her Granddaughters. Or it’s more trying to make SILs DD better than my DD. Shouldn’t she see her GDs the same?

I think it's unfortunate that you live so close to mil and sil which accentuates what's lacking in your own mum/ daughter relationship m.
Have you tried to build a closer relationship with Mil?
Maybe she'd welcome it or maybe it's not going to be her thing, none of you are doing anything wrong
It is what it is

I am good friends with MIL. I work and then of course kids etc. also my DH spend more time with FIL than MIL. Yes you’re right it’s just accentuating what’s missing for me. Being far from my family.

I think your feelings are very valid, but you can't do much about MIL and SIL's relationship. I take it that SIL is MIL's daughter?

They sound very exclusive and nobody else will ever come close there, including you. So all you can do is try to cultivate your own circle of friends, so that you don't rely on them in any way.

Are you close to any other members of your own family (I realise that you felt neglected by your own mother, so I don't mean her)? Do you have any friends you could talk to?

What about some counselling for you in order to unpick your past and be able to move forward?

I think your feelings are natural but it's also natural that they're closer to each other than they are to you.
I also don't think the comment "Once again your daughter does well" is negative. They're just saying she always does well. If my mum said that I'd take it as a compliment!
The relationships will always be different. They have a mother/daughter relationship and you have a mother in law/sister in law relationship. It's pointless to compare them. You can never compete with a daughter. Just try and focus on having the best relationship you can with both of them.

I don't think you can resent their relationship as they are not your family. They're your DH's family.
However, I do find it a bit disturbing that this woman is at her daughters' house every single bloody day? That's not normal, even for those who are enmeshed. I'd be considering myself incredibly lucky to not be caught up in their creepiness tbh

You are being unrealistic here.

You have distanced yourself from MIL and SIL because they are too bitchy for your liking which is fine but you also wish to be included in their cosy twosome. They are close because of blood and they are similar in personality.

Is your h close to his mum? If he isn't as close to his mum as his sister then I would expect her partner to be closer to his mum than your h's partner too. As SIL spends more time with her mum than your h does, it is inevitable that she will know SIL dd better. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love your dd too but if you and your h spend less time with his mum then things will inevitably turn out like this.

I am sorry that you live far from your mum. Is she the person who abandoned you?If you lived near here then would she have given you some time and help too?

You are being sensitive about the comments about your dd. "Once again your dd does well" is a compliment. It's acknowledging that your dd has another achievement to be proud of. When it's noted that niece has a sports match too then she is including you in the family news because you might be unaware. You might speak with SIL directly but if you don't then MIL thinks that you might want to know that the cousins share an interest.

There's a lot to unpack here and in commenting I'm not trying to be critical of you OP, but hoping to give you other ways of looking at the situation so you can either improve it, or make your peace with it.

First off it's wholly understandable you're envious of SIL and MIL being so close and mourning that you aren't close with your own DM, particularly as you feel she's close to her DIL. Some of that might be geographical and some might just be personal taste. Perhaps your DM is trying to distance herself from her failings as a mother to you and trying to do better? That's no help to you obviously, but potentially could explain it. Could it also be she finds a relationship with GCs easier than with her own children? I don't know her and am only trying to be devil's advocate and kind to her.

It's interesting that you want to be closer to MIL and SIL but it doesn't sound like you actually like them all that much? I get the impression you think they spend a lot of time complaining and bitching, so in that context I wonder if they feel you've limited contact except to let them know all about DD's achievements and they see this as bragging, hence 'then there is another comment like ‘once again your DD does well’ Do you think they'd take news of DD and what she was up to better from your DH?

Lastly, sometimes you can't reason these kind of relationships. My own MIL lived close by, didn't work and didn't have either a daughter of her own or another DIL. She had zero interest in me or in her only DGCs. It was hurtful, but nothing changed her personality.

Thanks for the insight it’s really appreciated.

It’s a reoccurring theme for me, I guess if I do unlock/unpick the feelings they’re probably attached to my relationship with my mum rather than SIL who is MIL’s DD, yes.

My DM and I have become much closer over the years, she suffered from severe child neglect grew up in poverty (in India) and was abandoned by her parents at the age of 5. So DM has always struggled with her relationship with me as she has a strained relationship with her parents.

MIL and SIL are fine in small doses (hence DH limited contact with them, he gets irritated by the small talk). SIL is more focussed on her DD friends etc rather than fostering a relations with cousins.

@MistyMooPup the other thing to keep in mind is that when people spend a lot of time together, like MIL and SIL do, they often take on each others' traits and magnify opinions and behaviours. Separately you might not notice so much of the things that irritate you. You did say you get on well with MIL so perhaps try and focus more on fostering your relationship with her in small doses and keep an eye on not letting there look like an element of competition between the cousins.

@martinisforeveryone i appreciate you really unpicking this for me. Yes I’d say MIL on her own is kinder than when with SIL. SIL will regularly bitch about her friends and then I’ll find MIL joining in about her own. I feel sometimes I don’t have a lot to add to these conversations.

MIL is also not very kind to SIL’s DH, very critical of him and puts him down. But SIL does criticise her DH a lot to her mother too.

Sometimes I feel like a quiet observer! I think it’s more I probably want my mum around and wish I lived near her.

Unfortunately it's jealousy and partly of your making, you choose to distance yourself.

My ex mil still contacts me for advice (that's a whole series of threads!!) but ultimately we choose how close we get to them and it will never be like their own dd.

If you want more closeness, why not work on it, make the first move, it may be worth it?

I also find that MiL likes to compare SILs DD to my DD. If I say my DD has a sports fixture on Sat and Sun. She’ll say oh it’s the same for SIL DD. We had a whatsapp group from Covid just with FIL and MIL. I still post on their DD achievements etc as they are GPs. They always say well done to my DD but then there is another comment like ‘once again your DD does well’

I just don't see the malice in these comments. The first one sounds natural and not comparing and the second one sounds lovely.

Thanks for the kind advice. I think I just need to be kinder all round!

@MistyMooPup not necessarily kinder, just that if you had more of an understanding what makes them tick, it might help you with perspective, or at least equip you better to deal with their actions and your own feelings.

Without knowing everyone in the situation it's impossible to see rights and wrongs, it's more about you finding a less stressful way forward 💐

I think DH limits contact for a reason, he loves his sister and his mum but finds their toxicity exhausting. MIL is much less toxic when SIL isn’t there. But then all she does is complain about SIL’s DH, calls him hopeless, talks about her GCs (who are SIL’s) about how they have issues cos they have a bad father. It’s a lot of moaning all round.

It’s stuff I have to distance myself from as I find it really tiring, I don’t have a lot to add, MIL is very emeshed in SIL’s life (for a variety of reasons) but it is hard for me to be far from my mum, and to see SIL and MIL so close.

MiL’s car or FIL’s car is always there. MIL or FIL do their gardening, their cleaning, help with kids homework etc etc

It’s not a new thing but I just miss not having my mum round.

I don't think you're missing your own DM per se or wishing MIL and FIL were always round at yours, not the reality of that anyway. You're wishing you had someone who had your back and supported you as you perceive those other relationships do for your SILs. That's understandable, but don't forget to factor in reality.

Those kind of relationships can be suffocating or at least not without their drawbacks, they just look brilliant from the outside. I also missed the love and support of a mother, but I knew that mine was never going to fulfil that role.

The best thing is that your DH has his eyes wide open and there's no conflict between you and him over your inlaws. When you read a lot of threads on here, that's a massive plus point.

Thanks @martinisforeveryone for your insight again! DH is particularly busy with his work at the moment, I’m not saying he doesn’t listen to me and I’m lonely. Just we are both so tired all the time.

I know we have a good balance with ILs and they do appreciate seeing us when we do get together.

And you’re right that level of enmeshment would be very suffocating!