I have no one

[Iamnothingandnoone]

Does anyone else feel as though they have no one who really knows them properly or cares about them?

I have a husband, parents and children and some friends (though not many). However I don’t feel like anyone REALLY knows me. I don’t properly talk to anyone about my feelings or inner thoughts. Obviously I can’t expect my children to know me, because they’re still primary age so they know me as mum. But my parents,
my husband, friends….shouldn’t I feel some deeper connection to them. I literally don’t think I have a deep reciprocal relationship with anyone at all.

My parents - Are emotionally incapable. I would never tell them if I was upset unless I had no choice. I don’t. Want comfort from them in fact I hate them really.

My husband- so long as we are having sex he is happy. I don’t think he really cares what I think or have any concept of my perspective on anything.

My friends - all lovely people, nice to socialise with, but I don’t have 1 bear friend or one friend I would share inner Turmoil with. I’m not very socially aware so do struggle to build close friendships.

Is this normal? Do other people feel alone like they have no proper connection to anyone?

Not being funny but you do actually have a lot of people in your life that you consider to be "no one"

Both my parents are dead.
I don't have a husband or any siblings.
I have literally no friends (because I moved etc, changed circumstances)
I don't have a job so have no colleagues.

Why don't you talk to the people in your life? Why don't you reach out rather than shut them off?

You're actually very lucky.

Yes I guess what I actually mean is I have no one I feel connected to or close to.

My parents are not capable of connecting with me in the way I feel I need and never have been. They can barely manage their own needs (physical, emotional, cognitive, social). I also actively dislike them. I won’t even bother with them, I learned over childhood and early adulthood they are only able to focus on their own needs and interact with me on that basis.

My DH also doesn’t seem capable of being emotionally responsive. If he has had sex he is happy. I shared that I had been depressed for a few weeks the other night and share I felt, not suicidal, but that I’d be happy if I died. He said basically nothing and hasn’t mentioned it since.

I could make more effort to get close to friends. I do struggle because of being a bit socially awkward, but I could try getting a deeper relationship with them. It’s just feels hard because none of them share with me. Other friends seems so close but I’ve never had that type of intense relationship.

I sometimes feel the same OP. I've made peace with it. We'll all be dead one day and I can't be bothered with the effort and drama, for what are usually rather one-sided relationships, any more. I keep a journal to offload my thoughts, filling my days with things that make me happy or that cheer me up if I'm down, plus all the stuff one has to do.

I keep things light when I chat with people, expect nothing of them so I'm not disappointed and shrug off their problems as nothing to do with me. If they keep moaning about their problems I fade them out. I wouldn't if they were a fun person who I had a laugh with and who was also there for me when I needed a moan. I've had close friends like that before our lives went in different directions, but they're rare.

It's a shame you have a toxic family, a DH who is only really bothered about his own happiness and only surface-friends OP. Although it's good to have friends of some kind and a relatively happy marriage. It's ok to feel a bit sad about feeling isolated though, if you can't be open and honest with the people in your life.

All you can do is look for more people, if you can be bothered, it's up to you. It's not like there's a shortage of people out there, it's just harder to make friends as an adult. Hobbies can help. Too much introspection isn't healthy and can lead you to dwell on negative things.

thanks for sharing @EleanorLucyG
so you have a friends that you have felt close to? It is possible? That’s good to know.

I want to make peace with it. I sometimes feel like I flip a switch in my Brain where I just turn off my emotions and feel numb. But that can only last for so long before, maybe once or twice a year I have a big cry/difficult couple of weeks.

I think I’ve lost the Will to try and make these relationship now. I have tried To go deeper with people or be honest and it has never felt like it paid off. People either seem to not care, be unable to deal with taking about feelings or they can only talk about them and take/drain. I’d just so love a reciprocally supportive relationship. Like a close sister or aunt.

I think I know what you mean. You just want someone to be interested in you in more than a superficial way? For most people it's their partner or mother but without those it's not easy.

My DH also doesn’t seem capable of being emotionally responsive. If he has had sex he is happy. I shared that I had been depressed for a few weeks the other night and share I felt, not suicidal, but that I’d be happy if I died. He said basically nothing and hasn’t mentioned it since.

Yes, close friendship is possible. The kind where there's equality, where you know each other inside out, share good times and bad. There's a place for surface-friends too, they can be most useful when you want a distraction and don't want people asking how you are.

So is a better relationship than this one. I wouldn't be at all happy with this response. Neither are you, I don't think. Shutting down isn't healthy or sustainable, as you've found out. If this is how you're tolerating the marriage, things need to change IMO. The feeling that you'd be happy if you somehow died, isn't normal. It is a reasonable reaction to having a shit life though or to being depressed.

I had a casual on/off boyfriend/friend for a while as a teenager. He was a bit of a shit, but we had a laugh together if I ignored that. I called him up once following a bereavement a year prior to try not to cry down the phone at him, saying I was upset and couldn't imagine how I'd get through the day. He was out with friends at the time and drive 15miles back to give m a hug and tell me things would get better, before heading back out with his friends again who were waiting in the car outside. He didn't even care enough about me to not date other people, but he still gave a better response than your husband.

You needn't start with a divorce, but consider working up to one. Somewhere in this world is something you're passionate about, whatever it is and however bizarre or pointless it may seem to others, you should be doing it. Preferably with like-minded people. Start with that. If you're not feeling anything, how can you connect with others? Don't protect yourself from negative feelings by shutting down. Get rid of the things causing negativity from your life instead.

Not saying this is what you went through Op but sometimes childhood trauma or not feeling loved by your parents early on can make you feel a bit cut off from yourself and others.

Someone mentioned journalling and I would agree that this is a great tool. Add to that self care and a practice of gratitude - making yourself notice good things in your life, even if it's a nice cup of tea, a compliment or a beautiful sunset. Note those things down every day - you will start to anticipate them over time. Exercise, even if it's a family walk can also be good for releasing seratonin in the brain.

I know not everyonw is able to get a pet but I think the love you get from a cat or dog or other animal can be really nourishing to the soul.

This is my first thought . It's not fair to say she has no-one when she has everyone. Some people literally have no one .
OP you need to foster better relationships with those you do have and if they aren't your people eg husband then leave . You have multiple choices .

Yes I think childhood trauma could be a related issue. So that is worth thinking more about. I’d go to the GP/mental health services if I thought I’d in anyway get access to decent support, but sadly things the way there are make that seem unlikely.

Thanks for the suggestion from a few people to journal. I’ve never actually tried that, although when I do feel very low I do write things on my notes on the phone or even do a post like this. So possibly journaling would help!

I’ll by pass the pet suggestion though 😂 as I’m not an animal lover!

OP, what strikes me from your posts is that you seem to choose to have people in your life (your friends and DH) whom you don’t feel know or respond to you — why is this? It sounds as if your own choices are playing at least some part in this dynamic.

@EleanorLucyG thanks for the thought provoking reply. Interesting some of the friends I have are from a shred activity that I love and have only started in the last 3 years. I do need to start there at investing in those friendships. I’m sure the do have potential to be deeper and the women who do the activity are all wonderful and intelligent women. I’ll give myself a shake up and put more effort into those relationship.

you’re also absolutely right about my relationship. Honestly it is shit and I wonder if it is the underlying cause of much of the bad feeling. Being physically so close to someone day in and out, but yet having 0 emotional connection or feeling of care with them.

Good question.
I don’t know how to respond. I’m not aware of anything I do that brings these people o me. Obviously my parents are just random luck, but my DH when we first met seemed like a very nice chatty lovely person. In many ways he is. He is one of those who will always help if someone mentions they need help (eg a neighbour talking about moving a big table), and even put himself out for it. However that personality seems to just be surface level and underneath it he has his own issues and insecurities and, Emotional weaknesses. I think I just didn’t see that until further in, possibly until we had kids when it really became apparent.

It’s a good question to pose and I will think on it. Maybe there is something in my actions, behaviour that encourages this.

It's not what you do to attract those people, it's what you don't do to repel them. You're putting up with stuff you don't want to, nobody has to do that. If you stopped putting up with it, they'd disappear.

Eg you try to forge a deeper friendship and the person brushes you off. You've got a choice. Keep them as a surface friend but don't prioritise them over others, or fade them out. I'll bet you've been keeping them as a surface friend and prioritising them, leaving you no time to forge new friendships with potentially better matches.

Eg you say your husband is happy as long as he's getting sex. Doesn't care about the happiness of the person he's having sex with though, does he? Unless maybe you just like having sex regardless of how you feel? What if you decided to only have sex with people who you feel close to and who you feel care about you from now on? I bet you'd be divorced within the blink of an eye! Or he'd have an affair and say it's your fault. Or start to get nasty, sulky and other forms of abusiveness at not getting what he wants.

You don't exist to keep everyone in your life and keep everyone happy when you're not getting what you want from the relationship.

Your husband helps everyone except you? That's awful. He cares what others think of him but doesn't care what you think, he's already "got" you and feels secure you're sufficiently a doormat not to walk away. There's nothing so crushingly lonely IME than being ignored in your own home by the person supposed to love you the most. Being single feels totally different, alone but not lonely.

I think it is normal to feel like this .
fact of life people don’t like to be burdened with other peoples problems .
I feel like this all the time but have only a few people in my life plus I’m in perimenopause.

@EleanorLucyG makes some good points, OP. People-pleasers often think they’re doing the right thing in prioritising other people’s feelings over their own, when in fact other people don’t respect them for kowtowing to people they neither like nor respect, and as has been pointed out, the ‘semi-friends’ clog up time and energy that would be better spent on themselves or in finding better friends.

OP, what consequences are there for your husband in deprioritising you? Are you regularly having sex you don’t want out of obligation? Fear? Duty?

I feel like this a lot OP and see several similarities.I’m doing many of the things suggested and I’m also now having private therapy which helps hugely. It’s £££ but crucial as I’ve through a rare bit of trauma in recent years. Only thing is it really shows what I’m missing. Somebody who really understands me and actually the whole point of therapy is to become independent I guess and not have it anymore so it’s a bit confusing at the moment. I do wonder if having somebody in our lives like that is a tad unrealistic though as it is almost like having a therapist.I’m hoping to understand myself better, be more confident and content. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ASC so starting to see why I feel so separate.