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Original poster

He's just left me and I don't know what to do practically

23 replies

wellhere · 13/10/2023 23:42

Been together nearly 5 years, lived together for 2. We got into an argument tonight about an old tv show episode. It was about women specifically and I wouldn't cave (like I sometimes do) about it and he ended up getting angrier and angrier and said he had no respect for me if I think that, he said good luck to me and that I can walk on and eventually swore at me. He also made it pretty clear that we're not together anymore. I didn't swear at him or say anything like what he's said to me. I assume he's done with me. If you're reading this thinking 'lucky escape for you', I have 2DC (not his), live in his bought house, have £200 to my name.I have no idea what to do tomorrow (beginning of school holidays) or where I go from here. I'm heartbroken and also lost as to what to do. I have actually just been offered an amazing part time job in terms of progression opportunity etc, but it's in school hours four days a week and there's no breakfast club where I live. That's a separate issue but I just don't know what to do, my head is a mess.

OP posts:

Original poster

wellhere · 13/10/2023 23:49

Please, anyone? I need a handhold.

OP posts:

Elle200 · 13/10/2023 23:54

Oh dear, I'm sorry you've been treated like that and are in such a desperate situation. Can you stay with family? Does he expect you to leave tomorrow, I wonder if the council could offer you emergency accommodation? I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of help to offer.

Original poster

wellhere · 13/10/2023 23:56

@Elle200 thank you for your reply, Im despairing. I have no family in this country. He probably won't force me to leave tomorrow, might let me stay until early next week if I share room with DC's. I am in Scotland if it makes a difference but I have no idea what to do.

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Relationship problems

LightSpeeds · 14/10/2023 00:02

If it was only tonight, chances are he'll calm down and you'll patch things up?

Argument aside, how is the relationship generally?

Elle200 · 14/10/2023 00:03

I'd try phoning social services tomorrow, their number should be on the council website. They should have an out of hours person who could signpost you to the right place. I know women's aid is mentioned a lot on here, so they may be worth a call to as well. I appreciate how difficult this could be with two children and having to stay out of his way. ☹️

Original poster

wellhere · 14/10/2023 00:04

@LightSpeeds the way he looked at me tonight- it was like he hated me. I'll never forget that look or get over it. Plus, how can I stay with someone who admits that they have no respect for me?

OP posts:

TopicalNameChange · 14/10/2023 00:07

No you can't stay with him, and it would be a terrible vulnerable time, you'd always be walking on egg shells.

I'm sure the council must have a duty to house women with children? Do you get any benefits? I'm sorry I have no real advice, it sounds incredibly stressful.

Original poster

wellhere · 14/10/2023 00:09

Thank for your reply @TopicalNameChange I only get child benefit as his income is too high for other benefits and we live together.

OP posts:

JFDIYOLO · 14/10/2023 00:18

I'm so sorry.

You've only lived together two years.
You don't have children with him.
You don't share property with him.
He swore at you and insulted you.
I think it's likely this has not come out of the blue.

This is all good - it means you can do what you want to do, withdraw your children from this toxic man and your brief relationship and move into a new phase of your life where you're not walking on eggshells, or giving in to him on most things.

Brilliant that you have a job offer, congratulations - shows you ARE respected and skilled. There's a future right there. Income, savings, pension. Independence.

Check over women's services where you are and see if there is any short term accommodation.

Accept the job and let them know the situation - they may well be able to help.

Drttc · 14/10/2023 00:18

In terms of the breakfast club issue- perhaps there’s a child minder nearby the school who does school runs? I’ve heard of this set up for some teachers who work far away from where their children go to school. Or you could try sorting out a later start at work and making that time up at the end of the day (or on a 5th day).

Surely if you have been together for 5 years he’d give you a reasonable amount of time to get on your feet with the kids?

Graphista · 14/10/2023 00:20

First things first do you have joint accounts or uc claims tied up with him? If so you need to end those Monday or at least inform the relevant people.

Contact your local welfare rights office on Monday too, usually situated alongside social services office in your local council, sometimes called something slightly different. They can help and advise re money and benefits.

Shelter Scotland are pretty good on accommodation advice but it's far from easy.

To the pp who said emergency accommodation from council - I wish!

There are women and children getting pure battered in their homes are lucky if they get that! Housing in this country is in a truly shocking state!

Women's aid can be helpful but it varies greatly regionally unfortunately.

If at any point you even suspect you or the kids are in danger op PLEASE do not hesitate to call police on 999 not worth the risk! I sincerely hope this is of help and that you get the support you need.

Lightbulbspark · 14/10/2023 00:22

If he isn't usually an unkind person and he genuinely cares for your DC, could you stay calm and, while recognising things may be over, ask to stay for a week or two until you can find alternative accommodation? Is there enough friendship left between you for that?

Accept the job, it is your longer term route to security. Could a childminder or another parent at your DC's school have them for 'breakfast club' time? Contact the Council for information on emergency housing.

It's a horrible thing to be going through. Stay strong for your DC. There will be better times ahead.

lotusfruit · 14/10/2023 00:32

Child welfare rights????obviously not in uk. OP if you're in the UK apply for Universal credit..Speak to citizens advice for help if need be. Contact Womens Refuge ASAP

saythatagaintome · 14/10/2023 00:56

wellhere · 14/10/2023 00:04

@LightSpeeds the way he looked at me tonight- it was like he hated me. I'll never forget that look or get over it. Plus, how can I stay with someone who admits that they have no respect for me?

You don’t.

Do you have family you can call who can loan you money? What a prick to make you feel this way, specially with two young children who need stability. Wow!

Original poster

wellhere · 14/10/2023 07:30

Thank you for the messages, I really need the support. I feel sick

He won't throw us out with nowhere to go, he cares about the DC but there's not really anywhere I can properly sleep. I'll have to go in with my DD but I don't want her to see me crying slept on the couch last night, ridiculously uncomfortable as it's small.

He has been in a grump the whole week (I don't know why) but nothing like last night.

OP posts:

Spencer0220 · 14/10/2023 07:36

wellhere · 14/10/2023 00:09

Thank for your reply @TopicalNameChange I only get child benefit as his income is too high for other benefits and we live together.

Even if you live under the same roof temporarily, if you have definitely split and can evidence it, there are some circumstances where you can claim benefits independently.

Evidence would be things like sharing kids room, cooking and eating separately, giving him money for your bills and so on.

Citizens advice (or Scottish equivalent) would be another extremely useful resource for you both now and in the long term.

Sprogonthetyne · 14/10/2023 08:01

Ring Council and ask for emergency accommodation, they have a duty to put a roof over the kids head, so will find you something. It might be a bedsit or b&b to begin with, but you'll go on the list to get something long term.

Start a universal credit application. You don't need to wait until you move out. You are no longer a couple, so the claim can start immediately. You won't get any actual payments for 6 weeks, but can get an advance to see you through.

Call citizens advice, ask for them to signpost you to food banks and depending what type of accommodation you get, possibly community furniture scheme. Plue take any other help they offer or recommend.

Once the kids go back, ring the school and explain. They'll be better able to keep an eye on the kids, and may be able to offer some discretionary help (could be advance on school dinner payments, sourcing second hand uniform if they need anything or funding any trips until your back on your feet)

Do anything you can to make that job offer work, you'll need it now more then ever. Look for childminders or nursery's that pick up afterschool kids. If you have a class WhatsApp or mum friends, ask what they use.

Good luck!

TreeHuggerMum1 · 14/10/2023 08:06

If he’s been in a grump all week, there’s a possibility that it isn’t you at all. That you just got the brunt of something else that’s happening, likely work related. I appreciate it’s still not great, but a possibility no less.
Hopefully, he will have had time to think about it and cool off.
We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don’t mean.
Good luck.

Original poster

wellhere · 14/10/2023 08:08

I just went into 'our' bedroom to get something and he's lying there with his eyes open. I tried speaking to him and I think he said that's it.

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Shinyandnew1 · 14/10/2023 08:13

Have you been working the last 2 years whilst you and your children have been living at his or is this job you’ve been offered the first work?

Where did you live before you moved in with him? Will the wage from the job you’ve been offered pay for that sort of accommodation for the three of you?

winniethedoo · 14/10/2023 09:16

Might be a massive stretch but maybe he's engineered an argument because he's unhappy about the job offer you've had, especially if you've not been working before. Would he have been having the children before school?

Hibiscrubbed · 14/10/2023 22:54

How’re things @wellhere ?

Graphista · 15/10/2023 15:09

lotusfruit · 14/10/2023 00:32

Child welfare rights????obviously not in uk. OP if you're in the UK apply for Universal credit..Speak to citizens advice for help if need be. Contact Womens Refuge ASAP

Not child welfare rights as you've mistaken but welfare rights office which all councils in uk have in some form. They're usually located next to social services as SS service users tend to need them the most.

They provide excellent support with applying for benefits inc help completing forms (which I would advise nobody attempt alone as they're insanely complicated now), they can also refer to food banks, energy banks, housing help and are plugged into how things work locally which is crucial here in Scotland as our housing and benefits systems are not the same as the rest of the uk and indeed are currently undergoing massive changes.

Citizens advice in my experience are useless, their info is usually out of date and based on Westminster govt data which is of no use to Scots.

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