Did DS hide the chocolates?

[chocolatemissmarple]

First time poster, long time lurker. I’m sorry that this is so long, but if you get through it I’d be really grateful for any insights.

Short version: MIL has accused DS of hiding away chocolates in a box at her house. He says he didn’t do it, she says he is lying. What do we do to move forward?

My widowed MIL is a delight. Loving, friendly, helpful and generous. Adores our two DC (DD13 and DS11), her only GC. Treats me like another daughter (she has a DD, my lovely SIL).

DH was speaking to MIL on the phone one evening. She was clearly upset, so he asked her what the matter was. Eventually she said something was wrong, but she wanted to speak to us face to face, not on the phone. She didn’t want to spoil DS’s birthday (the following day) but said she’d come round while children at school. All we could get out of her was that it was to do with DS’s behaviour, which she’d just found out about the day before. We knew she hadn’t seen DS for a couple of weeks, so couldn’t imagine what about his behaviour she could have discovered in his absence.

Next day she came round, very distressed and tearful. She had found, pushed out of sight behind the small box of toys she still has for DS and DD at her house, a box that should have contained toy cars, stuffed full of chocolates. A couple of weeks previously, she had hosted DS, SIL and me for lunch. The adults prepared lunch, DS was playing with toys from the toybox. Clearly, she said, DS had taken the chocolates out of the dish on her sideboard and deliberately squirreled them away, carefully putting the cars that should have been in the box into another container so as to fool her. She was hurt and upset by this because it showed such deceit, premeditation and slyness, she said.

DH and I comforted her and were genuinely sad that she was in such a state, but considering the horrors we had been imagining, were a bit perplexed by such an extreme reaction. I suggested that since none of the chocolates appeared to have even left the house, how could she be so sure about DS’s motives? Perhaps he had been enjoying ‘sorting’ the chocolates (all the same sort from a selection box). No evidence of any chocolate consumption on his part (ie no wrappers found in her bin or ours). It seemed that she was determined to attribute the worst possible motives to him and not consider any possible alternative explanation.

We spoke to DS a few days later (after his birthday). I asked him (but in a light, chatty way) if he knew anything about how the chocolates got into the car box. Total incomprehension and bafflement. He says he doesn’t remember seeing the chocolates in the dish, and if he’d wanted one he would have asked as he 'knew he wouldn’t get into trouble for asking'. MIL would certainly have let him help himself if he’d asked, which we all know – there was no incentive to be so secretive about it (which is exactly why MIL found it so upsetting).

MIL insists that he’s lying and we are fools to believe him and will end up encouraging more underhand behaviour.

The chocolates were not bought until 13 September according to MIL, and DD hasn’t been to her house since then. It was the 16th when DS, SIL and I were there. Incidentally DS says he wasn’t playing with the cars that day, and both SIL and I agree that we didn’t see him playing with them (none of us remember the chocolates being there either, but SIL and I wouldn’t necessarily have noticed them anyway). DS does say that the last time he played with the cars (probably earlier in the summer when DD was with him) he couldn't find the car box and put them in the alternative container instead, but later found the car box and just put it away in the toy box empty.

It's such a trivial thing, and we’ve already questioned DS and DD about what they remember, and I don’t want to distress either of them by blowing it further out of proportion. But MIL is so upset. Is there a solution to the mystery that we're not seeing? And how do we all go forward?

This is such a non event that the most worrying thing is definitely your MIL's reaction.

My go-to assumptions would be that it was done deliberately as a joke, mistakenly when tidying away toys tired/whilst having a conversation and just absent-mindedly shoving everything into the nearest container, or deliberately needing the container the chocolates were in for another purpose, using the car box as a temporary container for the chocolates and forgetting about it and putting the toy box back with the toys later.

Even if it was a deliberate ploy to get the chocolates to himself, getting that upset over it being 'sly and premeditated' is an overreaction anyway.

Is there an adult that can claim they think they did it - due to one of my possible explanations, just to calm the emotions down, would MIL be likely to accept that as reasonable or would she get angry at that?

Yes! This is exactly it. I don't know the truth and probably won't ever. But I have to treat DS as innocent (even though, if he is 'guilty' it's the bare-faced lying that would worry me much, much more than the original 'crime') and therefore MIL can't get any healing sense of closure through being able to receive an apology and bestow forgiveness, and so will continue to be upset about it.

I suppose that's why I'm searching for possible alternatives - a way of squaring the circle.

I’m sure you realise that this isn’t such a big deal. After my husband’s 9 year old nephew visited, I found a load of coasters stuffed down the chairs. Lord knows why. I didn’t call a family meeting. It’s kids and yes, they lie. You all sound a bit on the bonkers side.

It's something stupid I might have done as a young teen. And then lied about it, to the point where you don't feel you can come clean so you double down on the lie. I think the lie will be a learning curve for him and he won't do it again (assuming he did do it which is the most likely answer)

But snaffling the chocs seems quite normal to me. They were on the side anyway, was it a selection? He probably had a favourite and wanted to make sure they were hidden away so the next time he came they weren't the ones that had gone!

If I had found those I would have just thought, 'nice try DS!'... I feel bad for everyone all round, hope you can all move past it.

Oh and I’ve just read the ‘healing sense of closure’ nonsense. Thank goodness it’s nothing serious.

@Yoyoban yes they would be my assumptions too.
@fluffiphlox yes exactly - I could definitely see DS stuffing coasters/chocolates/socks randomly under a cushion or something. We probably all are a bit bonkers to be agonising about it, but I do love my MIL and want to fix this as best I can.

I also wondered this, maybe MIL’s friend with GC.

Not to my knowledge. Only the local chapter of the WI for a coffee morning, I think. Can't see any of them shoving chocolates in a box and then hiding it under a bookcase, but you never know!

@chocolatemissmarple

I've think most reasonable adults would understand that you have to take a child's word for it if they say they didn't do it.

So MIL is going to have to be a reasonable adult and move on.

If she can't do that then it may indicate that the the issue is more on her side.

In our family an apology would not he required. We're a more. "Ok, well just don't do that again you little weirdo " sort of family.

Sorry I'd I've missed it, but have you actually had proof that's what happened?
Is she expecting you to believe this has happened because she says so?

"She is mid-80s but absolutely no sign of any cognitive decline."

I have to tell that the first signs can be very subtle.
The incident you describe is a perfect example.

If someone in their mid 80s starts acting out of character you have to consider the inklings of dementia.

Speaking or behaving 'out of character' is the hallmark.
Getting very fixated on an idea is another one.
Losing the temper a bit more frequently than normal.

The difference between dementia and forgetfulness is that with forgetfulness/stress, the person remembers later.

The person with dementia doesn't remember.

They do something themselves, then forget and blame someone else because the event is inexplicable to them.

If she lives alone it's a good idea to start to watch the money in terms of tradespeople, getting work done she doesn't need etc.

Could it be that MiL needed a box e.g to pack a piece of cake for someone so she put chocolates away into whatever was near by and then this box with chocolates was accidentally moved/ fall down?
I know the problem is that she probably doesn’t want to find a logical explanation ( in her mind she’s got one already - it was DS) so she doesn’t want to jog a bit her memory. However it is possible, we’ve done this quite a few times in our family when in a hurry and in need of a container. And then I was looking for ages for things which were originally in the container trying to work out where DH or I could move them.

Does MIL have carbon monoxide detectors? Any gas appliances?
We’ve just had an issue with my FIL’s gas hob which has apparently been leaking at a low level and wasn’t discovered until the level built up enough to trigger the detector. But there have been ‘incidents’ of missing/misplaced things which were probably down to the gas affecting him and his memory.

How odd!

I would imagine DS did do it - but he has said no so you have to take his word for it.

However- does it matter? I can't imagine being so upset about something so trivial

My first thought was MIL could have the beginnings of dementia - have you noticed any other signs - but I also work with 11 year olds and they are generally adept at lying, in my experience. However, it would make more sense if the chocolates were missing rather than hidden and odd that OP and SIL don't remember him playing with the cars.

You're not going to solve it, I don't think, unless DS is guilty and confesses. If MIL is convinced that DS is lying that's tricky.

I am a pretty honest person and was a fairly honest child- my mother always believed what I told her BUT I knew that, and so I lied when it was expedient. Every child that age lies at times when under threat (NT ones anyway) and 11 year olds are very good at telling plausible stories exonerating themselves.

I'd say part of the problem is that now MIL has had such an extreme reaction if DS had done it as a joke there's no way he could admit it now without being worried that he is in loads of trouble. I'd carry on as you are, being really matter of fact with both parties. "Well it is strange.." sort of thing.

As a slight tangent, my DM really struggles with anything "unexplained" so for example if something is lost, even if it's completely non-essential she wants to turn the house upside down till it's found whereas I'm more like "it'll turn up at some point." I'd be happy to just wait and see if at some point an explanation was revealed even if that was DS confessing at age 20 my DM would definitely want to get to the bottom of it all!

Honestly - this is an absolute storm in a teacup and best forgotten. It is so trivial that I would not waste a further moment's thought on it. Do not mention it again at all to your son. If MIL brings it up again just tell her you think she is overreacting and you do not want to talk about it any more.

Whoever did this - and it was an innocent act devoid of criminal overtones - it really and truly does not matter one jot.

You are going to have to be firm with MIL.

Interesting how most people seem to have the immediate reaction of "oh she must have dementia" or maybe it's carbon monoxide poisoning, while simultaneously accusing her over overreacting.

The most likely, and simplest answer is the ds is lying about it. Accusing her of the basis of one incident of having dementia seems as much of an overreaction to me.

I remember years ago my friend being sent to the bakery for a loaf of bread. We were about 11 at the time. On the way back she ate some of it, tearing a bit of a hole in it. She confessed it to me afterwards but her Mum thought a mouse had been at it and went totally nuts with the bakery.
Years later I was at her house and her mum was there and we were reminiscing about this bakery's awesome cream buns and her mum said,
"Well I never went back there after that mouse incident!"
My friend and I made big eyes across the room....point being that 11 year olds can lie very convincingly and keep it up for years!

Having said that, the details of this incident and your lovely MILs reaction have all the hallmarks of early cognitive decline so please keep your eye on her.