Just want to vent about my morning - SEN child

[Mum3563]

We've just moved to a very rural village, still finding my way around, nothing to do. DH has the car for commuting so I've been at home all week. Today I planned to take child with SEN to a weekly SEN activity, duration is just 1h - today was meant to be our first time. I was really looking forward to having an excuse to trying the bus and going out. I know he would have enjoyed it.

But it was really difficult to get DS out the door. He wouldn't eat breakfast, didn't want to get dressed. We got out exactly on time - but the 5 min walk was so hard. He was dragging his feet the whole way, he's 20kg and I carried him for some of it. Got to the bus stop at exactly the right time, wasn't sure if I'd missed it or not. Then the bus turned up on the other side of the street - we were waiting on the wrong side. I tried to wave and gather DS together but it didn't see me and left. The next bus wasn't for another hour.

DS started wailing about the bus. I apologised to him, but it was even harder to get him home now. I felt terrible inside, and I was literally dragging him back. When we finally got in, he burst into tears.

I was really fine about living rurally, kept myself busy all week and was looking forward to today. Now I just feel so crushed that we missed out because of my mistake. And we have to wait a whole week now to try again.

DS is chilling with screens now but I just feel depressed and unmotivated to do anything now, and trapped in this village in a way that I didn't before. There's no way after this morning that I'm going to be able to get him out of the house again today. There's a lovely playground but it's empty during school hours and he won't be that interested.

I used to live in a huge city, buses every minute, lots of options if things didn't go the way you planned. Now, if I have messed up our plan, there's nothing to do except go home.

Please help me pull myself out of my mood, for my kid's sake. I want to give him a nice day. Because of his SEN, everything is challenging, messy and exhausting.

I don’t know obviously, how finances are, but would it be possible to get another cheapish car for you. Or can you take DH to the station and then use the car. It’s miserable to be stuck indoors all week.

Long-term yes. For the foreseeable future, we're not getting a second car.

I think moving was probably a mistake if your partner is going to leave you without a car every day. I can’t imagine how lonely that must be.

It will hopefully only be for a year. I don't want to live in a city again but somewhere with more transport options would be good.

Try going out to the parks and see if there are any parents with younger non school age kids and see if him (and you) can make some friends. Then you could arrange play dates or maybe they can give you advice about any other things to do around the area.

Do you rent or have you bought? If another car won’t be possible for a year, I’d look into moving again. It’s madness to live somewhere like that with no transport. Especially in the winter with a child who has SEN.

Here's a hug. It's hard some days and you need to be kinder to yourself. Next week will come. And if your son is safe and happy on his screens then that's a win.

Given you are going to be dependent on public transport I'd consider alternate ways to get your child to the bus - either a big buggy (if he'd be happy in it) or a folding scooter etc. I know when you've been somewhere with better transport it might feel like a step back (and you might get the odd snooty look) but to save you sanity (and your back) it can be a massive help. And the snooty lookers can get knotted.

You've just moved, and perhaps today was just a bit overwhelming. At least you tried.

I would start going out for walks in the day, you'll meet the local dog walkers if no one else that way (most of my social interaction comes from walking my dog), and hopefully other people with kids. Is there a park or a village shop? That's also a good way to meet people. And if there's a local FB page, post on it that you're new and looking for groups to meet.

We live very rurally, and it was hard when we first moved. It'll get easier.

Take a taxi there and bus back.

I hate to say this but Country living with a SN child was always going to be hard, there just isn't the same facilities. If you are carrying a SN child I suspect you need a SN buggy, they are a hell of a lot easier on solid pavements. Have you checked out whether you are a 50mins from the nearest SN primary and secondary if mainstream doesn't work? If this is only a temporary move do consider whether a more semi rural location might be waaaay easier.

Op

Is living in that location worth your sanity?

It was very short sighted moving to the middle of nowhere.

Sorry about your day as they say tomorrow is a new one

I'd look at a SN pushchair or a wheelchair.

Cheer up, pet. You know which way the bus goes now, you won’t make that mistake again. 💐

Living rurally without a car is hell! And not a shared car which you don't have access to if a partner is using it. You need the car to get to the shops or run errands or just for a drive if you need to get out of the house. Having to wait 1hr for the bus with a child whenever you need to do basic things is no way to live.

It's arguably not a luxury but a necessity, especially with a SN child. Otherwise you will end up paying for it with your mental health.

Thanks all. To answer, we are renting for one year. We chose the location because it had the most SEN friendly school, which DS is waiting to start. We wanted a small village school for him because we knew how hard it will be for him to cope. So at least that is sorted. We also wanted to be out of the city, cleaner air and all that
When he starts school it will be better and I'll have time to navigate public transport on my own. I knew it would be hard for me without a car. I usually make contingencies for when things go wrong, but I just forgot to this time.

But yes, getting him to walk anywhere is hard. He's very physically able, he just doesn't want to walk. I've always known this, and when we were in a big city we used to live right next to public transport because of it. I'll try a scooter - I think I'll have to pull it. But the pavements are narrow and keep swapping from one side of the road to the other, even in the 5 mins to the bus stop, so it's going to be a bit painful.

We're renting for a year, and then we will find somewhere semi-rural.

can you take the bus for fun? practice a few times without the time pressure?
maybe a treat on the bus so he's a bit more eager to get dressed and to the bus stop?

We used to do that all the time when we lived in the city. The difficulty is that we need a plan of what to do at the destination so that it works out to go home before he gets fed up, because the bus home is every hour too, we can't just go when he wants to. But if the timing works out, we can just go to a cafe for some cake.

Thanks, it's a good idea, I'll see if we can do that.

We did salvage some of the day at home baking brownies. 🙂

Could you arrange maybe once a week that you drop DH off and then you have the car? It's annoying to do (been there, done that) but it does mean that one day a week you are not public transport dependent.

Buy a local map and go for a walk, treasure hunting, blackberry picking, bug hunting, snake hunting, anything! If you have waterproofs and wellies the countryside is amazing, especially if you have mud and puddles too. If you’re arty can you make a treasure map for DS of the local area? Maybe pop out and hide a couple of things for him to “find”?