My DSis has just had a baby

[CatamaranViper]

And I am delighted, in love, full of excitement, yet also in agony.

DH and I have been trying for years to no success. We have DS who is nearly 8 and I know we are so lucky to have him, but he came easy and I expected to fall pregnant easily second time around as well. After years, we then hit a medical problem (not necessarily related to fertility but has had a major impact on the ability to even try).
DSis and BIL have now had 2 kids in 3 years. I am so happy for them and I love being an auntie, my DS adores his cousins and DH is the perfect uncle (full of mischief etc). But this is twice now and it feels like a knife to the heart.

DH is so sweet and he left me notes around the house reminding me how loved I am, how lucky I am etc and I feel like the worlds worst mum so be so upset about not having another baby and feeling like my time has passed.

I worry about DS being an only child. I worry his future (esp now with DHs health issues). It's so stupid but this potential baby had a whole future in my mind. I'd kept all of DS stuff, I knew where baby would go to nursery, how DS and baby would share space etc. We almost started decorating baby's room because we were both so confident it would happen. What twats eh?

I hate hate hate feeling sad on such a happy day and will never let them know how I feel. Or anyone tbh. I just can't control my mind atm. I can usually talk myself back into rational ie I have a wonderful, amazing, healthy DS who is thriving, a loving marriage, wonderful family, beloved Dan's etc. But fuck me, this physically hurts!

Anyone else?

I totally understand.
I have 1 child via IVF. I then had 7 attempts for a sibling that either resulted in mc or failure. Meanwhile, SIL had 3 DC in quick succession and DSis had her second child. That DN was born on what would have been the due date for my 3rd pregnancy. I visited new DN, took gifts, said all the right words with a smile on my face, then cried the whole 70 mile journey home. My DH also has health issues, now life limiting. DC is older but I worry. It will be just me and them with no sibling to share their worries with.

I am sorry you are also suffering such pain. It does get easier as each year passes, but the sadness never totally goes. You are grieving for the child you thought you would have, the loss of your dream family, your DC’s sibling. It really hurts. So sorry op

I’m with you OP. DS is wonderful and we are so so lucky to have him - I would dearly love another but had a serious pregnancy complication with him that is fairly likely to occur again if we went for a second, and I don’t feel like I could / should risk it.

It’s so hard having those dual emotions of happiness for someone else combined with deep sadness.

I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say you’re not alone.

I hear you. I’ve walked your path and I sympathise completely.

No words will heal - only time x

Fucking hell. I was expecting to get torn to shreds for being a dick but thank you!

Honestly I've been so scared to voice how I feel and I can't explain to most. I would not risk my current family for an idea if that makes sense. DH and DS bring me so much joy every day that I feel rotten for feeling anything other than elated all the time.
My baby existed in my mind. I was stupid for not realising it wouldn't be guaranteed. Honestly what a knobhead.

I'm so sorry to read that you're all experiencing similar things. I never knew it could physically hurt.

YANBU. After my first child I had 4 miscarriages. I cried and cried after the 4th when I had genetic testing and got the results from the consultant and he told me it had been a boy. I cried to my aunt and she asked, gently, can't I be happy with one and the only way I could explain it was if there's another one in you then it's in you. And it doesn't just go away.

Your feelings are totally normal, OP.

Be gentle with yourself.