Is my mam abusive?

[user095328]

I've posted before.
I know my parents were abusive in my childhood, neglect, physical, emotional abuse, well I think so from when I've posted before.

I just want to know if this is a continuation.
I have to keep going nc with my mum as she keeps condescending and belittling me especially when it comes to parenting but is this normal?

Fwiw my mum does not do any childcare, I never ask her to mind dc, nothing of the sort so this isn't coming from a place whereby she cares for dc at all and knows her routines etc because that's never happened.

My dc has various medical conditions for which she needs input from professionals on a regular basis, usually this can be managed with appointments but there have been a number of occasions whereby I've had to bring her into hospital and she's had many a hospital stay.

One issue is chronic constipation.

For the past few weeks this has escalated to the point of her having constant overflow. I spoke to her consultant yesterday who told me to bring her in if it happened once more. I brought her into hospital last night, she's been admitted. Xray etc shows severe impaction which was suspected.

I phone my mum this morning to tell her. I must have repeated myself near to 10x the reason I brought her in.

She then says

Her: "What's she being admitted for?"
Me:"constipation."
Her: "so what did you do?"
Me:"i took her to A&E"
Her: YOU took her to A&E for constipation?"
Me:"I've just told you 10x it's for constipation. Are you now questioning my parenting and decision to bring her to hospital?"
Her:"YES. Why would you need to bring her to A&E FOR constipation?"
Me:"because I am her mam. If she didn't need to be here they wouldn't be admitting her."
Her:"is this because you haven't given her her medication?"

Now this isn't a one off. This is every day but she changes the narrative to fit.
Constant accusations.

In fact my uncle was on his death bed dying from stage 3 cancer and no one had arranged for him to have a syringe driver (he wanted to stay at home) when I arrived on that day he told me he was in pain, he couldn't swallow etc. I called the ambulance and got them to come out and give him some pain relief (sats were 60% iirc so not long left. I felt like it was the last thing I could do for him)
She spent the entire time whilst I was on the phone shouting and berating me for doing the wrong thing.
I'm not a medical professional but quite clued up. I knew what I was doing.

I just don't understand.

How can you berate someone in these circumstances? Is it abuse?

As a one off no, I wouldn’t say it was abuse. I think there is a lot of misunderstanding as constipation is often seen as a minor inconvenience rather than a medical emergency. Obviously this is by people who haven’t experienced impacted stools! I can understand why someone might question the need for a&e for what they understand to be constipation.

I think in the example you gave you probably could have been more clear that this was a serious issue that her consultant had recommended hospital care for.

However, I appreciate that this situation probably forms part of a wider pattern of criticism and controlling behaviour so you already had your back up. If you want to go NC, you don’t need strangers on the internet to tell you her behaviour is unacceptable.

Why are you on contact with her every day?

Stop contacting her so much, limit it to once a month or so.

It would have been you being medically negligent towards your daughter (abuse)if you had ignored her very real medical needs. You’re a much better mother than your mother was towards you growing up.

I would go Low Contact with her. Definitely stop contacting her every day and stop sharing details of your child’s medical emergencies if she can’t offer any support. Keep your conversations to the trivial and don’t expect much from her. She sounds incapable of human warmth, unfortunately.

In short, because she's my mum and we have that kind of relationship where we can talk daily. We're close but I'm sick of this.

Thank you.

This is it. But then if I didn't take her she'd claim I was neglecting her.

have you heard about Grey Rock? You don’t need to call her every day, or involve her in the Minutiae of your daughters medical conditions. If you make a list of the topics which you know instantly cause hassle then you must learn to avoid them. Really.

I would say ‘deeply dysfunctional’ rather than confirm abusive. Some people have very odd ideas about stuff and will behave in ways that are inexplicable. For some it’s along the lines of “seeking medical assistance shows you’re a panicker, and I’m not that type of person”. Their horror at ‘wasting NHS resources’, or ‘being pushy’, is so profound that they will let people die, in pain, completely unnecessarily. They aren’t helpable.

I don't understand why if you describe your mum as physically and emotionally abusive in your childhood and neglectful why you're in such regular contact if you want to go NC?

For example, I'm close to my mum and there is no childhood abuse..... I had a lovely childhood. I call her once a week for a chat and catch up.

Hi thank you.
She's aware of how serious it is. Dc has been admitted from under 1 with severe impaction.
I know I don't need others to tell me, she makes me doubt myself as on the phone she will say I'm bullying her and being horrible.
It's not a one off and it's been like this since I was young, pushing me down the stairs then claiming I hit her when I was defending myself (I was 5) etc etc. Leaving me with swine flu severely ill to go party. Having multiple men around. Attacking me physically. I still have scars on my body. I didn't want to include it all as I wanted it to be relevant to now but it's sadly not a one off.

That's fine too but as I've explained we are close and have the type of relationship where we talk daily. I have the same bond with other family members where we talk daily. Just because it's not usual for you it doesn't mean it's unusual.
Although I take your point Re talking to an abusive parent.

Yeah this is her. I think this method is best.

Seriously why bother to have a relationship? You say you are close but clearly there's lots of past history.

Either go to counselling with her or break contact.

Your mother sounds narcissistic and borderline abusive to you. I’m sorry you must have had a very difficult time growing up and even now.

The really positive thing is that you have broken the cycle and are being a loving mother to your daughter despite the lack of a good role model in your own background. Please don’t feel guilty if you are able to distance yourself from your mother going forward ( Low contact). She literally doesn’t deserve your affection or her granddaughters.

I think it's the nature of the abusive relationship tbh.

She makes me feel guilty for setting boundaries. She says I'm depriving dc of a relationship etc etc. And I'm bullying her. Causing emotional harm. Upsetting my child.

@Twiglets1 thank you so much. That's really helped me feel confident that I'm doing the right thing.

You’re welcome 😀

You are doing the right thing, without question.

My ‘mother’ used to be like this. She might still be, I don’t know because I call 4 times a year and don’t engage outside of that. I know that she’s still doing it to others.

I didn’t want my dc to have to witness this type of relationship. She might be their grandmother but she is toxic.

This is my thinking but I'm made to feel guilty by everyone else in the family and told I'm wrong etc so I question.

She will soon start with them and then they’ll understand.

To which you reply ‘I dont really care who thinks I’m in the wrong- you don’t care that I think you’re a flying monkey, do you? So we’re even Steven’

Thank you. This is giving me more confidence to set my boundaries and keep them. As long as they make sense to me that is enough.

This must be so hard for you op, it’s sounds like your ‘close relationship’ is really an abusive relationship if she continues to behave like this towards you and has done since you were a child?
I know she says she wants a relationship with dc, but do you really want her to have one? Could you ever leave your child alone with her?
I know it will be hard setting boundaries especially as it sounds like you’re very involved with all your family, and perhaps some of the relations your mum has with other family members are slightly abusive? And they all defend her and say ‘oh that’s just how she is’ but you don’t have to put up with it, you don’t deserve this.

Yes you're right.

My dad was abusive but dismisses my claims even though as a child he said she was abusive to me.

My grandma (mum's mum) is the same as my mum but on a larger scale. Completely nc with her. Spoke to her once after a few years when she shouted out "SHE'S STILL IN NAPPIES?" To my dc with development delay, autism and several long term conditions. So they're very similar.

So yes the people condoning it are abusive/ not the best people anyway.

If I discuss it with a friend or cousin etc they will say I'm in the right but then the abusive behaviour from them claws me back in that I'm unreasonable.

To be honest it reminds me of an abusive relationship I had with dd's dad. I wasn't able to recognise it (at first) but because this has been going on since birth. I'm 27 now. It's ingrained.

So each response is really helping me to break free from her.

My dad has changed his abusive patterns hence contact with him.

It's just my mum that is the issue.

To answer a previous question, no I wouldn't trust her alone or accompanied with my child so that says a lot.