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Original poster

Will I ever get my best friend back?

10 replies

discoafters · 12/10/2023 01:17

My best friend has had a baby, a beautiful little girl and I’m thrilled - I absolutely adore her.

But I selfishly miss the friend she was before. And yes that’s 100% unreasonable of me, she has priorities that come before our friendship and I would never ever ever say anything to her because that would be madness.

I just hope one day we’ll be able to speak on the phone, go out for dinner etc

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 12/10/2023 01:31

It depends really. She probably wont have the time, energy or money to spend on high maintenance friendships anymore. So if you have someone getting offended that you don't want to go to the cinema when you've had 3 hours of broken sleep and are covered in vomit and have PTSD from a traumatic birth and £45 for groceries left from your maternity pay you're more likely to quietly cut contact with them than you are with the mates who offer to meet for coffee at home and don't feel hurt if you're not up for it on the day.

MeinKraft · 12/10/2023 01:32

I meant to add - if you can stick out a couple of years of being put on the back burner, you'll more than likely get your friend back. She's still the same person, motherhood is just all consuming for the first couple of years.

junbean · 12/10/2023 03:57

Mothers need friends too! It won't be long before she's needing you again and has the time/energy. Just be patient and let her know you understand and will be there when she's ready.

BastetsWhiskers · 12/10/2023 04:06

Yes, things have changed, but you still love each other.

Be patient with her! Your feelings are understandable, just keep in contact, she needs her friends although baby comes first.

luckysonofagun · 12/10/2023 04:28

Things have changed and you need to embrace your new friendship. Her family will be her priority. She will likely be busy and tired and forget to value her friends at times. Tbh this doesn't really improve, babyhood is all consuming but then when the kids get older and parents are juggling family life and work it doesn't leave much time for friends. You will have to accept that plans will not be spontaneous and may get cancelled at last minute. If you embrace g here child too that will help. But I would also make sure you have lots going on for yourself so you are not too reliant on friend and just appreciate time you get together.

Mojodojocasahaus · 12/10/2023 04:35

Things have changed op, she will be different now with different priorities. Get used to seeing her with the baby as they are very high maintenance for the first 2-3 years.

It’s probs going to be coffee shops and soft play than cocktail bars and she is going to want to talk about the child a lot.

Have you got other friendships/interests?

groovergirl · 12/10/2023 04:52

OP,, this is not the end, just a new stage.
Do you want to stay in your friend's life? Then think creatively about how to keep both of you in the mix.
For example, when my LP friend was at home with her new baby, DD and I took around a spicy dahl curry with pappadams and salad. Cheap and cheerful, and we washed up so our friend could have an early night. We put the leftover curry in a container for freezing.
Think about what you could do to make your friend feel cared about.

Original poster
discoafters · 12/10/2023 10:48

Mojodojocasahaus · 12/10/2023 04:35

Things have changed op, she will be different now with different priorities. Get used to seeing her with the baby as they are very high maintenance for the first 2-3 years.

It’s probs going to be coffee shops and soft play than cocktail bars and she is going to want to talk about the child a lot.

Have you got other friendships/interests?

Sorry but I find this quite patronising. Tonight I have a meal for a friends birthday, Halloween movie night with friends on Friday and me and a group of friends are doing an Oktoberfest event in a different city.

I’ve just this week booked two weekends away with friends at the end of the year too. I work full time and have to travel, I’m studying to do a second degree, I socialise with good friends, I go to the gym. I have a full busy life.

However I sincerely value my friendship with this person and I feel sad that instead of texting every day, it’s a week between texts, that I wouldn’t just call her to ask how her day was because I know she wouldn’t have time to talk, that I wouldn’t set a date for us to meet up and go for dinner etc because I don’t want to put that expectation on her.

Please don’t sit there smug thinking my life revolves around my only friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
discoafters · 12/10/2023 10:49

groovergirl · 12/10/2023 04:52

OP,, this is not the end, just a new stage.
Do you want to stay in your friend's life? Then think creatively about how to keep both of you in the mix.
For example, when my LP friend was at home with her new baby, DD and I took around a spicy dahl curry with pappadams and salad. Cheap and cheerful, and we washed up so our friend could have an early night. We put the leftover curry in a container for freezing.
Think about what you could do to make your friend feel cared about.

Thank you, I’m going over tomorrow with a takeaway coffee for her.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 12/10/2023 10:53

wouldn’t just call her to ask how her day was because I know she wouldn’t have time to talk

Why would you not just call her, accepting that she might not be able to talk right there and then.
Good that you are meeting for coffee.

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