Parents of SEN DC. Please help?

[BadMuvverFluffer]

I have 11yr old DTwins both diagnosed as autistic and both have just started secondary school. DT2 went straight from a mainstream primary to special school (he also has learning difficulties). He is thriving and happy there.

DT1 is academic and was enrolled to the local mainstream secondary school. He is really struggling and is utterly miserable, he cries most days and his temper is something else. He’s not the same happy boy he was just months ago.

He is becoming so anxious; this is starting to manifest as OCD traits and he has developed repetitive tics. He is not going to school regularly because he just can’t manage.

His school have tried to help but they don’t appear to be very SEN orientated. He also hasn’t made a single friend, in spite of joining the school’s football and collectors club; this is affecting him greatly.

He has a lot of sensory sensitivities. I believe this is an environmental issue, not an anxiety issue so I’m not sure if can be resolved with adjustments.

The mental health side is worrisome. I have an older son (also autistic) who has long term mental health problems from school trauma. I want to avoid this happening again.

WWYD?

It's really early days and it's a hard transition to make. Has the school got any lunch clubs or places for children with Sen to go during breaks? Our school does and there are staff there to help the kids build friendships.

Have the school suggested ways they can support more. You say he has sensory issues, can he leave class early to miss the rush in the corridor or similar. Or a pass to leave class when he is overwhelmed.

If the school really isn't able to help is there another school nearby that is better with SEN?

Can't he go to same school as the sibling? I'd enquire about that.. other than that our four SEN ( ASD) boys are all home educated.. go to home education groups.. thriving and mental health so much better.
More intelligent than their peers. ( Home education isn't like lock down).. museums/ libraries/ swimming.. home ed groups

There is a huge lack in provision for those children who are academic but can’t cope with a mainstream environment.

Do you have access to family support through your other child’s special school? They might have some advice.

Ask if you can have a meeting with both the SENCo and either the Form Teacher or Head of Year (different schools operate differently in terms of who the best person would be).

Set out what you have said here.
Talk about the sensory differences. Ask what they know about what a difference the environment can make to a child with sensory differences and then ask them what support they can get from their LA to help them, if they aren't suggesting things.
Ask them about how the differentiation that needs to be in place is communicated to all the different people that teach him across the fortnight - this can be a dozen different people - how can you be reassured that each and every one of them understand ?
Make nots - obviously, in front of them, and follow it up with an e-mail saying what the action points from the meeting are, so it's all there, in writing about what Mrs A the French teacher is going to be told and what Miss B the Biology teacher is going to be told and what Mr C the PE teacher is going to be told, and what he can do / where, or who he should turn to when he feels he doesn't have friends.

@Doveyouknow He has joined clubs but they don’t appear to be helping. He can go to the quiet area in school whenever he needs to but he is trying to fit in so badly, he won’t go. It’s the same with anything which makes him look different to everyone else.

@QueenofTheSlipstreamVM Unfortunately not, his brother’s school would not cater to his needs. Home education isn’t suitable for us as family unfortunately, as much as I think it would benefit him. Our working patterns wouldn’t accommodate it.

@FloweryName I never thought of this, I will ask DT2 school.

@UsingChangeofName I have had two meetings with the SEN department and his head of year but all they do is suggest the same things. It doesn’t make any difference as DT1 can’t or won’t access it.

I know it’s early days but I’m concerned about his mental health declining, especially with the new tics. He’s clearly very stressed.

I think that secondary school is often a very difficult phase for kids on the more able end of the spectrum. The noise, crowds and demands are greatly increased and autistic students often struggle.
It may be that he needs a place to retreat to. Can he have a library pass? Is there a support or pastoral teacher who can get to know him a bit? Would it help to go into lunch early so he isn't queuing? Does he need help organising his homework? Can you help with organising so helping him pack his bag the night before?

I think a talk with the school nurse about accepting help might be in order. Can you ask if someone can discuss how the provisions and adaptations will help him to feel comfortable and more able to join in with the others? I think kids with asd do need the adults to take charge a little of what they need to do in order to stay healthy mentally. The signs of stress need to be addressed with him.

I would say that sensory issues are tricky as the necessary adjustments involve things like earphones, quiet areas, time out in a quiet spaces etc. This is why I think the biggest battle will be getting your ds to accept the help and cooperate.

Does DT2 have an EHCP?

Hi, I have 3 DC. one entirely NT, one who is very possible ND but nothing specific enough for a diagnosis (under an ed psych) and one with ADHD on medication and with an EHCP.

The middle one is in Yr8. She was initially at an “amazing” secondary school and it was hell on earth. She couldn’t cope at all. Poor pastoral support. Very limited SENCo interest for any child. She’s very academic - interested in everything. Did brilliantly at primary. She couldn’t cope at all so we moved her just before the summer holidays to a school that’s not full of the bells and whistles the first school was. It’s smaller and the SEN support is fantastic. She’s a different child. Our youngest (the ADHD-er) will definitely go there.

I know there’s an argument for riding it out and seeing if things improve. Yr7 is a massively challenging year. But……you know your child best. Trust your instincts. Moving our DD was a huge decision but I thank my lucky stars everyday that we did.

Best of luck!

Have pm'd you

My ds (also asd) fell apart at his first secondary.

I found the problem seemed to be what you're experiencing. He has autism - therefore this is what we do. I spent far too much time and energy trying to get them to realise he's an individual and they need to meet his need not his diagnosis.

Moving him to another secondary school under a managed move (because he couldn't attend other school due to anxiety) was a game changer for us as well as applying for an ehcp.

You meet the criteria because the MS school can't provide what he needs. If they could he'd be able to attend.

Don't get het up in arguments - just keep repeating they can't meet need. If they could he'd be ok.

I’m reading through the responses, thank you to you all.

It is very difficult for DS to accept as he doesn’t want to be different. I already know myself he stands out as the weird kid. He sits by himself for lunch and it is heartbreaking when he’s so upset because he doesn’t have a friend.

He doesn’t have an EHCP as he was never deemed to need one but I have thought about applying. I know some of the process from his brother. I’ll get on to this right away.

It is very difficult to decide what to do for him. It is painful to see him cry and he internalises so much. The slightest unexpected hiccup sets him off.

He forgot his favourite pen one day and this resulted in a meltdown where he couldn’t get out of the car to go in. If he’s not angry, he’s sad or he’s crying, or he’s in deep thought.

The other schools around us are all very similar so I’m not sure moving him to another mainstream will help.

Is it too soon for drastic action and to remove him? I wouldn’t de register him, but to de stress him?

Have you looked at them all? Have you asked on local Facebook groups (you can do this anonymously) if anyone recommends any particular school that’s got a good SENCo / SEND support? The one we sent my DD to was hiding in plain sight, so to speak.

Would you give a vague idea of where you are? Maybe someone here could make some suggestions?

It doesn't work like that!

Special Ed. Is in crisis. Not enough special school places. Not enough support in mainstream.

Parents can't just ‘choose’ a special school.

I would absolutely get on and apply for an EHCP.

You son sounds identical to when my autistic son started secondary two years ago. Crying all the time, lonely, not wanting to get out the car, OCD, it's so painful for him and you. My son reached burnout by October half term in Year 7 and could not go in any more. In hindsight, I wish I had taken him out sooner. I kept hoping things would improve but they just got worse. Your son sounds like he is desperately trying to cope bless him but if it is this hard for him it might be that the environment can't meet his needs.I am so sorry. Trust your gut. If he's asking not to go to school/dysregulating frequently, keep him at home and explore other options. It will be the best thing you can do. Good luck Xx

If he really does want to continue at the school, then find out from him exactly what he is struggling most with/what he feels he needs help with and ask for a meeting with the Senco and insist on more support to help him with these areas every day. Keep a very close eye though as you would want to see some improvement quite quickly. X