How to be happy

[bluepurpleangel]

I’ve come to the realisation that I don’t know how to be happy.

I am constantly looking to improve something in my life. New job, new area to live, new house etc. I tell myself I’ll be happy once it’s sorted. But I never am. It’s never enough and once I’ve changed it I then immediately fixate on the next thing I need to “improve”.

It’s starting to affect my relationship with DH (fortunately the one thing in my life I don’t keep trying to upgrade 😆) as he’s fed up of me never being able to live in the present and always being unhappy about something.

Has anyone else been like this and did you find a way to fix it? I wondered about counselling to try and get to the bottom of why I’m like this but it’s so expensive.

Oh no, am I the only one?

Hopeful bump

Everybody has ambitions and plans all the time, that is part of life. But just see it as something you will always have alongside being happy. You will never fullfill every ambition you have, - you cant expect to, because as soon as you full fill one, you develop another one.

Being happy is being happy with what you have got, and being happy to live with further plans and ambitions as well

I’ve always been like this. I’ll be happy when I leave school, get a job, can drive, buy a house, have a child, get married, get promoted, etc etc and so on.

i can honestly say I am happy now. I’m not looking for a new job, or a house. Would like a new car but it’s a shed haha. The main thing which has helped me to be happy is self care - eating right and exercising. It’s truly changed my life.

Are you neglecting that side of your life and masking by wanting a dopamine hit for ‘new’ things?

If you are into podcasts OP I recommend The Happiness Lab, its a series about how to live a happier life and covers studies and scientific explorations of what make people happy.

I’ve realised this is true of myself too. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution ( I wish I did!)
For me, it’s less about fixing my circumstances (perhaps because things are going pretty well and on paper I have nothing to complain about/ feel down about). It’s more about resolving my own personality flaws and really working to ‘sort out’ things such as my wardrobe, my weekly schedule, my tendency to be a bit lazy, my tendency to start tasks and not finish them… it’s a constant thought in my mind that once this is fixed, I’ll enjoy my life (more).
but I’m a proper grown up now so I think perhaps it time to accept the way I am and stop trying to get to the bottom of

Hello. Interesting topic. There has been some fascinating scientific research on the best formula to make you happy. Things that you need include:

Goals, things to work towards, short, medium and long term. A reason to get up in other words. These could be holidays you are saving for and really want to do, work goals, household goals, personal achievement goals etc etc. Write a list and start with a little step towards some of these.

Connections - time with people who mean something, time with others, Very very important. Takes a lot of effort if social life is not good, but it can always be worked on.

Giving to others - doing something nice for someone else every day; could be formal volunteering, or simply doing a random act of kindness.

Some sort of sense of belonging - to a group, a religion, a social circle, a supportive family etc.

Exercising - doing something physical.

Awareness - being in the moment, noticing what is around you, being totally present/mindful etc.

New things - keep trying NEW things. Anything random will do.

Emotions/Gratitude - looking for the good stuff. The random moments of joy even when it's really tough. Take note of those. Write them down.

Some great information on the "Action for Happiness" website, including the science behind how the above suggestions really matter.

https://actionforhappiness.org/10-keys

Therapy does help figure out what the root of things are. I've been through so much therapy it's become a constant self-reflection and I'll have big revelations now and then without making much effort. Self reflection starts with just asking a lot of questions of yourself and then being extremely open to the answer. The last part is the most challenging. Just start by asking yourself why, and then give yourself room to really listen and accept the answer when it comes. It is absolutely possible to be your own therapist. There's so much info online nowadays too. I think you should just be still and reflective for awhile and do lots of self care. Be gentle and patient. Talk to your DH about it so he knows you recognize the issue and are working on it. This stuff almost always goes back to our childhoods and parents, so just be ready to face stuff you might not want to see. I honestly hate it when people say happiness is a choice, because most of the time people have to fight some gnarly demons to even have that choice to make. In the end it is up to us though. IMO it's more like; I choose to be happy in spite of (fill in the blank). It's a process but you'll get there because you want to.

The main thing which has helped me to be happy is self care - eating right and exercising. It’s truly changed my life.

Are you neglecting that side of your life and masking by wanting a dopamine hit for ‘new’ things?

This is really interesting. I hadn’t considered it could be part of the issue but yes I definitely am neglecting that side of things!

My DH has often said that the time he’s seen me happiest was when I was really into running (sadly that fell by the wayside).