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I suspect I know what I need to do. Chat it through with me?

34 replies

Pickynails · 10/10/2023 18:08

I belong to a club. Male and female, very wide range of ages. For most of my time as a member I was married and have a wode group of friends of both sexes, now I'm single.

Historically the club has been a fairly successful "dating agency" and we've had a few weddings.

Since I've been single, there's been some "interest". I went in a few dates with someone I previously thought of as just a friend, we even got a bit physical. I don't really know what happened to change his mind but he decided, before we actually slept together, which was nice of him 🤣 that he prefers to keep things as friends. Which whatever the reason was, was a good decision. There was never any real spark and we are pretty good together as friends.

There's another man there who makes no secret that his marriage is struggling. He's a nice man, I think, and he genuinely wants to make things better. That's the only context in which I've heard him talk of his marriage - about what he is/can do to make it better. If that sounds weird, the activity we does seem to make confiding easy (no eye contact) and people often share things they might not in other circumstances. It can be a proper therapy session, which is why many of our members do it.

At the same time he and I have taken hold of a few issues that needed sorting out within the club. We're doing a good job but in view of his situation I am being very careful to stay at arms length emotionally, very careful with banter and keeping conversation to the business we're discussing etc. However, praise where praise is due and I have occasionally commented to others about what a good job he's doing and how we're enjoying working together on getting things done.

So, to the point. The friend I'm no longer dating but still good friends with keeps "joking" about how I'm ready and waiting for when other member's marriage fails. Absolutely nothing could be further than the truth, I genuinely hope he gets what he wants, which is to fix his marriage. That said, I am slightly aware that we could make a good couple if circumstances were different, but they're not so I'm absolutely not going there. From a purely selfish POV the last thing I need is to get involved in a man who's still emotionally married, even if they did split.

I know friend needs to butt out, but also, I do respect the fact that he can be quite perceptive...

OP posts:
QueenofTheSlipstreamVM · 10/10/2023 18:21

Sounds like a POF club.
Why not look outside the club if you're desperate for a man?

Pickynails · 10/10/2023 18:24

QueenofTheSlipstreamVM · 10/10/2023 18:21

Sounds like a POF club.
Why not look outside the club if you're desperate for a man?

POF?

I'm not desperate for a man at all, where do you get that idea from? I'm happily single, although keeping an open mind, and continuing to be involved in a club I've been a member of for more than 20 years.

OP posts:
WmFnKdSg1234 · 10/10/2023 18:37

You enjoy your hobby, you enjoy the friendships you have within the hobby group. All good.

Your friend who you say is "perceptive" may be trying to stir things up between you and married man. I would continue to behave as you are, and tell your friend to stop speculating and making comments. Rumours and suspicions can develop on much less.

Hatty65 · 10/10/2023 18:41

I'd give 'friend' a hard stare and say 'I value myself quite highly, you know. And I resent the jokey way you are making me sound like I'm hanging around waiting for X - which is very far from the case. Do you think we could move on from this? It's weird the way you keep commenting'.

And then I'd change the subject entirely back to your hobby.

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 23:30

Really curious what hobby this is 😂

EasterFlower · 11/10/2023 01:22

I'd say frenemy is resentful you have an attraction to the other man, wishing it was to him instead and he's punishing you for this by public humiliation. Call him out on it, in public and distance yourself in future, he's not a friend.

Nonplusultra · 11/10/2023 05:08

From the way you said your friend was perceptive, it sounds as though you are harbouring at least a small spark of hope here. That’s the kind of ear worm that messes with your thoughts!

Normally I’d advise taking a big step back from the situation but I appreciate this is your long standing hobby. Sometimes a bit of distraction helps - would you consider something like online dating? Or taking up another hobby alongside this one?

bbcfolkie · 11/10/2023 05:49

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 23:30

Really curious what hobby this is 😂

Me too. These threads usually turn into a guessing game so I'll start the ball rolling with...indoor rock climbing!

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/10/2023 06:28

I want to know what POF is now 🤔

YewandOak · 11/10/2023 06:31

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/10/2023 06:28

I want to know what POF is now 🤔

I'm guessing Plenty of Fish?

Splitscreened · 11/10/2023 06:38

Tell ‘friend’ to back off and keep his opinions to himself. Date outside the club. Regardless of whether or not you are attracted to the other guy, he’s married and may continue to be.

pinkdelight · 11/10/2023 06:40

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 23:30

Really curious what hobby this is 😂

I'm guessing am dram.

pinkdelight · 11/10/2023 06:41

Oh I missed the no eye contact bit. Not am dram then. Weird. No idea!

OhMyDaisies · 11/10/2023 06:41

I was imagining pottery or decoupage.

Sausage1989 · 11/10/2023 06:42

pinkdelight · 11/10/2023 06:40

I'm guessing am dram.

OP said no eye contact

Pleasured tell us, OP!!

Splitscreened · 11/10/2023 06:47

Sausage1989 · 11/10/2023 06:42

OP said no eye contact

Pleasured tell us, OP!!

Now that sounds mildly kinky!😀

Neodymium · 11/10/2023 06:51

want to know the hobby too. No eye contact sounds great

PostOfficeInTheCoop · 11/10/2023 06:55

Fencing? 😂

LightSpeeds · 11/10/2023 06:55

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 23:30

Really curious what hobby this is 😂

Bowling?

HerMammy · 11/10/2023 06:55

It'll be the one nobody does; cycling 🤣

Spencer0220 · 11/10/2023 06:56

PostOfficeInTheCoop · 11/10/2023 06:55

Fencing? 😂

Surely you can't talk and effectively do that?

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 07:00

Am dram? Surely loads of contact in that?
If
I'd say running.

I wouldn't go near this man and strongly urge him to talk to his wife and get marriage counselling

Boating123 · 11/10/2023 07:05

I'm going for - walking club.
OP please tell us. I hate being curious.

FannyBawz · 11/10/2023 07:08

My moneys on golf - fits with the tone and a thirty years standing hobby

pizzaHeart · 11/10/2023 07:12

I would shut him down OP and continue as before around married member. I don’t think it’s about being perceptive more like finding the weakest link: you are single and the other member is struggling. How do you decide who pairs with whom in your hobby by the way?

my suggestion: train spotting?

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