How do I stop dd11 annoying other kids? :(

[Teddysstupidbluehat]

I love dd to pieces but I can acknowledge that sometimes she can be a little much. She doesn’t pick up on social cues very well so where other kids would stop doing something when they realise it’s annoying others, she doesn’t and, if they do tell her it’s annoying them, she believes they’re being mean to her and gets offended and doubles down on it and falls out with them.

I’ve spoken to her til I’m blue in the face, used examples of people who’ve annoyed her to try and show her how the other kids feel, spoken to her about how in different situations (eg at work, meeting new people) we might have to edit ourselves a little bit. None of it is sinking in.

She’s come home from school upset again because “the other girls were mean to me”. But when she explains it all out to me, it’s very clear that the girls had enough of her being annoying and just wanted a break from her. They don’t seem to dislike her as a person and do seem to try to include her but then she does their heads in and they have enough. She’s not doing anything mean to the other girls but it’s being overly loud, screeching a lot and repeating comments even though they heard her the first twenty times. From what I can gather, the other girls start to feel embarrassed because the older kids start to look at their group and make comments and they don’t want to have to deal with it.

I don’t know how to help her and could really do with some advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. ASD has been suggested by a family friend but school barely know her so aren’t up for doing anything about it yet and private assessments aren’t an option right now. Has anyone had any success in helping their child to learn some of the social cues/rules of this age group?

I wonder whether you would get more responses if you ask Mumsnet to move this to the Preteens section of Parenting. I'm no expert, but ASD did spring to mind as I read your post, so I suspect you would be best getting advice from someone knowledgeable about ASD.

It's a difficult age and I think some children mature faster than others, I know you don't mean it but it might sound to her when your telling her how to be with her friends, that you are inadvertently saying she's annoying.

My 11yo is autistic and struggles massive with socialising & friendships, but she's the opposite to your dd in tat she's very quiet and sullen which can come across as her not being fun or friendly. I kept telling her to smile more, speak up and make conversation as I thought I was guiding her. It ended up with her breaking down in tears and feeling really insecure as she saw it as me telling her to be someone else, act like something that's not normal for her etc and it was giving her a complex. I know we mean well as mums, having so much more life experience but from the perspective of my daughter, I was knocking, not boosting her confidence.

It may be that she's being so loud and too much to try and compensate / fit in / be liked.

Maybe just try and embrace her quirkiness and see if her confidence can grow from that...?

Seems like she’s being herself and it’s the other girls’ problem. I would just tell her we can’t like everyone all the time & if they want to walk away from her she should try making other friends.

Why do you say school hardly know her so won't do anything yet - why can't YOU do something? Ask your GP for a referral. Or pay for an Ed Psych.

Although there's always something to be said for encouraging your child to be herself, it comes with a big risk of not having any friends. As they go through secondary her friends are likely to get less and less tolerant.

Very difficult. On the one hand as pp says, it may knock her confidence to be told by her mum that her behaviour is annoying. On the other hand, it will certainly knock her confidence if she loses her friends.

I think perhaps the middle ground is, you could help with explaining what her friends are telling her - they are her friends, they like her and are not trying to be mean, they are just trying to explain that they can’t cope with a specific thing which is the loudness/repetition (just like she can’t cope with certain things, I expect). No-one is saying she needs to change her personality, just dial down the volume a notch.

We can all be annoying at times - she can choose how important it is to modify her behaviour and they can choose how much they will put up with.

If she's struggling to understand the cues, would she cope with simple rules like:

If you have made a comment twice and no one has responded, don't say it again.

If someone tells you that you are being too loud, try to match their volume.

If someone keeps stepping back when you're talking you're probably standing too close or being too loud (or both!!).

This kind of really basic stuff can seem obvious but some kids need pointers to help them identify the build up of annoyance before it boils over into confrontation. One or two things to 'look out for' at a time worked best for us and helped the kids really notice other's reactions early enough to modify their behaviour if they wanted to.

Op my daughter is autistic and i cant stress enough thst if you think this is the case you need to pursue it.

Even if she didnt immediately have a diagnosis you can learn about it ..meet other families form a network....you can learb jow yiur daughters mind works

Asd is a social snd communication disorder

Your daughter if she is autistic simply wont be able to do what you are suggesting socially and this will get harder for her as social interaction gets more complex

Havinf undiagnosed autism and not understanding why she doesnt fit in can lead to poor mental health

You can start readinf about girls and autism...the school senco can start offerinf support even pre diagnosis if you begin speaking to them

Ask her what she wants in social situations.

Ask her if her approach in social situations is working for her. Is it getting her what she wants?

Ask her how she thinks she might get what she wants out of social situations.

Ask her how she thinks the other girls will respond to her various solutions/ suggestions. Ask her to tell you why they will respond in certain ways.

It will be interesting for you to see her level of understanding of what is going on here.

Asking her to come up with her own strategies will help her feel empowered.

How is it not her problem? If she is coming home crying about it then it is very much her problem.
It isn't the responsibility of the other girls to endlessly put up with OPs daughter annoying them, they actually sound nice and only get fed up when her daughter goes to far and won't stop.

I agree with @DysmalRadius OP. A set of scenarios with simple rules might help. Create her some social story cards on a treasury tag so that she has a reference to hand when she finds herself in these situations. She can find a quiet corner to have a quick look at the cards when things are spiralling.

Oh...and also make an appointment with the SENDCo at school. You need to take the reins here and be proactive about starting the diagnosis ball rolling!

Echoing what the other SEN mums have said. It’s a new world and one which requires you advocating for your child pretty much constantly. Since there is a massive waiting list, preceded by a ton of gatekeeping, the sooner you start banging on the door, the better…

How refreshing to read an OP where the parent isn't blaming other kids for getting fed up with their child's annoying behaviour!

It sounds like you have a good, honest relationship with your daughter, so how about role play? You act as she says she does and she responds to it. It may help her see how frustrated her friends feel.

Think you need to speak to sch/senco and get them to start doing social stories or similar age appropriate things. Even if your DD is autistic she still needs help. My son is autistic and adhd and we still have to explain things to him in social situations as although his mates no he's autistic it's no excuse to annoy them and he's slowly understanding others views,very slowly though.

This is a very difficult age to navigate friendships, especially with girls. Some are 11 going on 21, and some are still really babyish, and sadly, the two worlds collide.
You may find that once she gets to about year 8 things settle down. They develop their own interests and form their own gang.

OP this sounds exactly like my son, now 15. For as long as i can remember he has done this and bit by bit become isolated from friends. He does it at home too, bursting into a room talking and then getting angry that he doesn't have an audience, even if we are nice and ask him to just wait a few seconds. We have tried to explain 100 times but it fell on deaf ears. It peaked in the last year of primary school where he had worked his way through every group of friends in the class and they were all sick of him. He found new group of nice friends in secondary without any of the stigma of primary school but sadly after a few months they decided they had enough of him and cut him off immediately, deleting him from all social media groups too. Bizarrely one of the lads sat him down and explained why, it was so mature of him, and this was the first wake up call. He now has a best friend and this is his first time having a one to one friendship but they are part of a larger group. So far so good but who knows, i always feel like I'm watching a slow car crash.

I don't know if your DD is the same OP but the flip side is DS doesn't pick up on social clues with strangers either and has no sense of shyness. He will just start a conversation when he feels like it. This really pays off for him. He is also good at sports so we used to book Summer full of camps where he would be the cool popular kid for the week and we also booked holidays to large campsites where he would find a group of friends and thrive. He has no issues going to places by himself so he copes well with being 'between friends'. For example he will go to a teen disco alone knowing he will know everyone when he gets there. Same with matches, he follow a local team. Its hard on us always giving lifts though!

DS was diagnosed with ASD at 3 as he has typical red flags such a speech delay, flapping hands etc. To be honest at the moment this social thing is the only evidence we see of the autism. He no longer gets SEN support at school and for the most part is doing very well. He is excellent academically so that helps.

OP even if your daughter did meet the criteria for ASD, I honestly don't see any specific help targeting this issue, we certainly never got any. I think you should research ASD resources yourself, focusing on social interactions and maybe more on the asperger's side. We got a book, I cant remember the full title but it was something like 'The Aspie kid's guide to making friends or social rules'. DS refused to read it but it helped us to understand him. Your DD needs to learn the rules at an intellectual level if its not coming instinctively to her, whether she has ASD or not.

The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens With Asperger Syndrome: O'Toole, Jennifer Cook: 9781849059152: Amazon.com: Books