Childcare, could this work?

[diamondgreen]

I work Monday to Friday, 9-5 (but flexible). Hybrid role so sometimes in the office, usually two days working from home & two or three out in the community / outreach.

DH is a shift worker doing a mix of days and nights. He knows his rota 6 weeks in advance.

We want to minimise paid childcare & both continue to work full time. Likely to only have one DC. I know the funded hours might come in for all ages from 2025 but irrespective of this we don’t like the idea of a baby or very young child being in nursery for very long days for lots of reasons really

My parents and MIL both live quite near to us. MIL is retired and has expressed wanting to help us out (there will be no other grand babies likely at all). DM works part time.

DM has suggested on my couple of WFH days a week, I could work from hers - ie be nearby and not actually have to leave them fully. This wouldn’t have to be every week as it usually averages out so that DH only actually works a couple of weekdays each week,

It would be potentially quite changeable and difficult for us to get into a routine where things are the same each week but we have enough helping hands and could make a plan for 2 months in advance.

Maybe this way we would only need one or two full days of paid childcare with a childminder, and the other three week days could be worked around each time? Did anyone else have a set up like this and did it work? Thanks :)

I think it would be a nightmare in all honesty. I’d consider it for a day if you can ensure some really firm boundaries but wouldn’t plan for 3 days. It can be really unsettling for a little one to know you’re there but not really available. One of my colleagues had this set up while she was waiting for a nursery place and her mum drove her mad as she’d keep popping in or once the child could walk, he’d try and barge into the office.

I didn’t think about how it would be for DC but of course. Hmm. It’s so tricky isn’t it. Thank you.

You could always try it and see? Often it's difficult to get full time nursery places at short notice, but Mondays and Fridays are easier, so I'd see if your husband could always work those and then if it doesn't work out with your MIL/Mum, you should be able to get a nursery place for those days.

Speaking from experience it's an absolute nightmare to try to work from home with small children in the same house, even if your not sole charge, unless you have a mansion. If the baby/toddler knows mummy is there they will want to be with you. If you pop down for a coffee or toilet break and they see you they'll expect you to be available to play/feed etc. It would be much better if your DM could look after your Dc independently and you work elsewhere.

I can really sympathise with the shift work childcare issues because I have pretty much the same set-up. I'm 9-5 and dp is on changeable shifts.

You'd usually need fixed days with paid childcare, as they need to maximise their ratios and not save a spot just in case you need it.

Working from GPs could work, if you were willing to basically lock yourself away except for lunchtime. I know people who have physically walked out the house then snuck back in. But might not work if your child hears you on a call etc.

Thank you. May I ask how you managed it between you or did you just pay for a full time place

Tbh some days I don’t have any calls or meetings at all. Usually have one absolute maximum two and they’re not for very long… so maaaybe it would be ok? Yes we’d pay for Wednesday and Thursday say, and hope to make the other three days work (if we can)…

Pre schools are so much cheaper than nursery (and much nicer from personal experience), generally around half the cost. The downsides are that they are generally school hours 9-3 and term time only but if your MIL and DM want to help out, could they manage pick ups when your DH is working? Plus share some of the school holidays, with you and DH using annual leave too?

I have worked in nurseries and seen what some of them can be like first hand… definitely not the best place for babies I don’t think. Love the idea of a preschool but aren’t they mainly from 2+? Wondering what the option would be between 1-3. Also thinking of childminders as know they’re cheaper, can be more homely & hopefully less germs as less children vs a huge 100 place day nursery

The WFH at your mum's house will be a nightmare, but no reason you can't drop the baby there and go and work at your house.

I think you could make it work paying for a childminder three days a week and covering the other two days between your DH and both sets of grandparents.

BUT....you just don't know how you're going to feel until the baby is here. You might think you're going to be a really relaxed mum, who's happy with the grandparents caring for the baby etc. and when it comes to it you're an anxious, controlling nightamre who couldn't possibly leave their baby with their MIL who has a cat/watches too much TV/doesn't have enough regard for H&S/let's the baby eat chocolate etc. etc. It can happen to the best of us! So, go with this plan for now, but have a back-up in mind. Make sure you cost full time childcare incase it doesn't work out.

Have you looked for a childminder who will accomadate shift workers? They do exist.

Otherwise, I think I'd guarantee a Turs/Wed/Thurs place. And use MiL and ad hoc places for the Mon and Fri.

Any way DH could ask for a fixed day off mid week as part of his shift pattern?

He probably could actually, that would just be a flexible working request wouldn’t it?

I never knew they existed as I thought they’d all need to guarantee you for the same amount of hours and days each week.

Agree with @Invisimamma. DH was a SAHD for a year after I went back working from home when DD was ten months. Honestly it was hard work and I would not be keen to replicate it. DD and DH are very, very close but at that age she wanted me most of the time. It was confusing for her knowing I was in the house but not with her, plus I would be thinking “what is it now”, when I heard her crying or DH telling her off. That can be quite distressing and put you off, even if you fully trust the person looking after them. And that was us being in our own house, I think it would be even worse if she’d been in a grandparent’s house in comparatively unfamiliar surroundings.

I'd also think about how much hard work looking after little kids is and not book DH in for a childcare shift off of the back of a night shift. You need to factor in his sleep/downtime.

That makes sense. He usually sleeps for 5-6 hours at night though between nights & that’s now. He’d wake up around 11, even if my mum had him/her between 9-1, that would give DH a couple hours then he could do the afternoon. Maybe I’m being entirely unreasonable! But I just can’t fathom paying £1000+ a month.

Thank you. That sounds tough x

I have friends where they both work shifts and just juggle it about each week and it seems to take some serious organising, but they make it work. It’s only for a little while. As long as the kids are going to the same settings, they’ll get used to it. As in, don’t suddenly through Auntie Carol into the mix on the odd occasion too because that’ll confuse and upset them. Least of all because they might not even have an Auntie Carol.

I work from home and my kids are in the house (three aged four and under). They were annoying at first but soon learnt. I barely get acknowledged now. My office is by the front door so they’ll happily toddle in on their way out to say a quick hello but have no interest in staying with me. Although I find it difficult when I’m doing something boring not to go out and play with them because it’s so much more appealing!

I managed a lady who did this. Reality was that once baby got to crawling and toddler years she couldn’t work without him disturbing her. She often had to deal with toddler meltdowns as he knew she was in the house and her MIL couldn’t console him.

Try looking around some nurseries before writing them off completely. Both my DC went 8-6 3 days a week from 1yr. Both well socialised, spoke clearly with good vocab early, ate very well and enjoyed mixing with different cultures and adults. They often didn’t want to come home and we were relaxed parents having not had to juggle wfh and children lockdown style.

maybe start off with a cm or nursery 1-2 days a week then see how you get on?

Would your MIL or DM not look after the child at their house and you work from home?? Why do you they suggest you be there when you work?

I work shifts and my husband works 1 day per week in the office and the rest of the time from home (this was pre Covid as well).
Our daughter is 4 now but when she was younger she knew Dad was in the on office and if he was trying to concentrate and she was having a meltdown or wanted to see him... it was a nightmare as she couldn't always go and see him.

Maximum childcare we need per week is 1 day from each of our parents and these days change each week.
Our parents know my shifts 6 weeks in advance and the days change every week! They were very happy and offered the childcare for us. I know a lot of people who can't commit to this and it's too much

This is my experience - I have a hybrid job and both my partner and I wiser FT.

Just recently my partner stopped working thurs and Fri so now my 2 year old is at home those days.

If my 2 year old sees me he throws massive tantrums that he can't be in the office sitting on my knee, playing with me etc. he just doesn't understand that mummy is working. Now if I wfh on those days - I stay upstairs all day only going downstairs while my son naps. Cups of tea are delivered to me.

My son loves his father but has a strong preference for me

I think this does depend on the child. I did a lot of WFH while DH looked after DD1 when she was aged between 12 months and 21 months (then I had DD2). I've also done some WFH with either DH or DM looking after both girls (I'm not fully back at work yet but think KIT days). Never had an issue. We have one bedroom set up as an office so I'm well out of their way which probably helps.

Just to say it's really not a given that this set up will be a disaster. It could be, but it doesn't have to be.

It’s only one day for us (we use nursery 4 days a week). If we can’t do the non-nursery day, my husband drives up to his parents and works from there. Our child loves it, has never been an issue as he just says ‘bye, off to work’. Most of the time they don’t even notice as they are having too much fun. They have never banged on a door, I doubt they would know where their father is!!

As a childminder I've had shift workers. Because I was happy to have a quieter day a week we averaged out shifts and agreed a minimum number of days a month.

Don't assume a nursery cannot accommodate shift workers - it might be worth speaking to some. Ours did - they needed about 6 weeks notice and asked for a commitment of at least 2 (or maybe 3) days a week, then asked for 6 weeks of bookings at 6 weeks notice IYSWIM. There were a lot of emergency workers abs medics there as a result - made for some brilliant "careers" day.

My friend used one near a hospital that did something similar. It would be worth speaking to one or 2 nurseries to see if they can do anything.

My dp negotiated a set day off, we had a grandparent do one day (if it was needed) and we had a nursery place for the remainder.

Our nursery also offered Flexi spaces for shift workers, spaces needed to be booked one month in advance but they could not guarantee there would be space for Flexi children if they were fully booked.