Do your adult children still live at home / autism

[Anothershitusername]

Please tell me how the set up works ..
ive 2 adult sons living at home ,they do nothing around the house ,and contribute nothing.
I am a carer for one of the adult sons and for a younger teenage son.
because the elder son has autism ,does that mean he doesn’t have to lift a finger ..
I also have autism,and I’m running round after every fucker in the house ,cleaning,cooking,shopping ,washing clothes ect ..
im at my limit ,and likely to explode because I’m overwhelmed,
I left home at 18 ,went to uni just so I could leave home ,I never went back ,I lived in some shit house shares …
it never occurred to me they would still be here at as adults ,with me still doing every thing for them.
i don’t know how to change things so it’s fair ,my adult son with autism has a lot more need than I do which makes it difficult for me to make him help at home ,however he has excellent A-levels in maths and sciences ,so he’s clever .
I only found out I had autism a few years ago ,so by then I was already doing everything and they all just let me continue,a another adult child left home at 25 ,and they did nothing either .
this is not the life I planned

I have 3 asd adult children. The 2 not in education work and covered their living costs until one met a girl and moved in with her. My youngest is still in education so doesn't pay anything.

They are all supposed to pull their weight in the house, they don't necessarily but I make them do their own washing and clean up the kitchen after themselves.

It's not OK. My adult son with autism has his own flat share.I went through everything very carefully and slowly and thoroughly with him, taught him a handful of very easy dishes to cook (he appears to cook the same one every night but hey!) I also taught him how to tidy and clean in an easy, unstressful way. he;s now the cleanest and tidiest of his flatmates!

You can certainly teach your adult DS to care for himself and others. If he can be good at maths etc he can be good at other things. the trick is, to understand it takes loads more time to teach and you have to teach a single method which he will then repeat without much deviation.

I'd start by saying you are tired, you too have autism and now they are adults you expect some adult help as ot is all too much for one adult who already has a job, to run around after lots of other adults who could help.

Tell them you want them to share chores, and will teach them what to do before you hand over some jobs to them on a permanent basis.

Some easy, obvious chores would be:

• unloading and reloading the dishwasher. Just be patient explaining what goes where and why. Let him do it in his own time, even if he takes forever.Let this be his job.
• Emptying all the rubbish bins and wastepaper baskets into one big refuse sack, tying it and taking it out to the main bin on bin night.Putting the main bin where it should be.
• Cooking a very simple dinner. I taught DS tray bake chicken pieces with baby potatoes, sliced peppers, courgettes and onions, with either herbs or spices. He appears to live off this! At very least, he should be able to time cooking some pasta, draining it and tossing it in some warmed up ready made sauce or pesto, and opening a bag of salad to go with it once a week so you don't have to cook.
• Laundry - sorting into dark, mixed and white loads, setting aside delicates such as wool or silk. Choosing the right setting (I told DC mixed load on 30 won't harm anything except delicates which go on a quick wash at 30. Use washing capsules for ease. Show him how to shake out and hang up stuff to dry, how to check it is dry at its dampest places etc. Encourage him to then do alternate towel and bedding washes every week.

Be patient, give praise, allow for it to be done differently and imperfectly from how you do it, and for him to take twice the time. But it is so good for him to gain that competence.

Hi, I've only just joined Mumsnet and seen your post! This is a few months on since you posted and I'm wondering how you're doing. It sounds like it's been tough going and I was wondering if you've made any changes, and if you have what you did and how it's going.
I think following up on stuff is always helpful. And it might also help me with what I'm going through with my son! Thanks!