I really need to move on from this, but how?

[Softnatural]

I lost DH 2 years ago and it's been tough, but I pulled myself up by my bootstaps, got on with life, supporting struggling DC as best I can, changed my job to give myself half a chance and have accepted every invitation that came my way, to get me out of the house. The invitations have come from some surprising places and I've built a lovely new friendship/support network. I'm doing OK, some days are harder than others but I'm in place where life's worth living and the future is something to cherish.

However, the friends who were "our" friends have been rather unsupportive. They pretty much disappeared from my life while he was ill and before the funeral and message maybe every few months now, never suggesting actually meeting. I feel let down by them so I don't contact them either, so I guess they'd say I'm just as bad.

Anyway I have recentry discovered that they are appalled at the way I behave and to cut a long story short I haven't done widowhood properly. This is why they've distanced themselves from me (although that doesn't quite ring true because I think it started before he died). Yes, I have posted about this before.

What's really got to me though is how much this has got to me. They've criticised people, who have been really good to me, for "taking" me out too much, I always feel defensive of friends. Also the idea that these people, who knew DH and I as a couple well, really think I just got up one morning and decided I'd be fine without him. Surely anyone can see I'm doing what I need to do get through? These people had been friends for 20 years, we went on holiday together and without even speaking to me, they've decided I'm a terrible widow who got over DH too quickly. Even if I don't fit into the group anymore, you'd think they'd be happy to see me doing OK? I also feel sad for DH because he really believed this was the group of people who'd be there for me.

Anyway, now I'm at a place where they can think what they like, but I'm really annoyed with myself for letting it get to me and feel like I've set myself back. Unfortunately lots of people know how upset I've been about it. How do I move on from this one?

I'm sorry for your loss. They're not friends are they, sack them off and continue in your new friendships.

Yes, I know , that's been apparent for a long time and I have/had moved on from that, they're not part of my life now.

What I need to deal with now is how much this latest revelation has upset me.

Are these the friends who criticised you for drinking too much? Spending too much time in the pub with your new friends?

Honestly, I think you're still in the full grip of grief. You come across as still very much struggling with the loss of your DH, the loss of your life together, loss of your own identity as his partner etc. Outsized reactions, struggling to understand, losing yourself and your place, finding relief rather than acceptance, losing friendships of 20 years in favour of new friends etc - don't punish yourself. Your old friends may not be giving you what you need right now, but clearly you're mourning them too. You have so much going on. I can't tell you how to navigate your grief, how to learn to live with it. But it doesn't sound like your current MO is working for you.

Grief is one of the hardest things, I think. Such a complex emotion. I was one of those who questioned on your last thread whether your old friends are maybe worried that you're drinking too much. Do you think you are?

I'm not drinking too much. I didn't have a drink at all this weekend and never drink during the week.

What would "working" look like? Of course I'm not over it, but I am at least functioning.

I'm sorry for your loss.Well done for making new friends and im sure your dh would be happy you have people to support you.

This feels very familiar

Did you post about this before with someone telling a new friend that they were out of order or something?

You need to just keep doing what you're doing and ignore what they think.

Yes, I said that 🙂

Functioning is great. Truly.

And, I don't think the end-goal is ever "getting over it". That would imply that what you lost wasn't meaningful, that you could set that part of your life aside as something that just happened and that you regret the end of, before you move forward. It's obvious that's not the sort of relationship you had with your DH.

Learning to live with the loss is "working". So, so difficult. So exhausting, so bleak at times, just so pitifully awful. But it isn't always like this. Forgetting and throwing yourself into new and distracting things isn't necessarily working. It can be good, but it isn't necessarily the end goal.

Do you have grief counselling?

The best revenge is living well. I mean, if you want to wear black, go to church every Sunday and mourn officially to get the respect of people you are furious with, go ahead. Otherwise, realise it’s your own life and you can live it how you like. Feel good about yourself.

Wow that’s harsh and cruel of them! You think you know people! Be glad your rid of them if it would help as way to move on and close that chapter send them a message telling them how much they have hurt you and how cruel they are to judge you like that when they have no idea how you are really coping! If not write it down and get your feelings out then close that chapter! Good riddance to them. I also lost a couple friends after my mum suddenly passed away because they let me down and i don’t miss them at all.

There is no script OP and identical twins would deal with their grief quite differently. You are dealing with it the best way you know how and pretty well by the sounds of it.
I can't stand all this po faced sackcloth and ashes that your so called friends and some people on here expect from the bereaved. They can all just fuck the fuck off.
I would write to them, your nasty judgemental friends and get all your thoughts and feelings about their unsupportive behaviour down on paper. Then decide whether you feel better for vocalising it all or if you need to actually send the letter to put a tin lid on it. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings, they certainly haven't worried about yours.
Massive hugs OP. Just take one day at a time and remember that some days are allowed to be better than others.
Everyone else can Fuck right off.

One step at a time my darling. You are climbing an enormous mountain and you are doing so much ‘better’ than you think. The judgmental people do not know what they speak of. Not that you would wish it on anyone. Just keep on being yourself. Honestly that is all you have to do. Sending you a lot of love from an internet stranger.

OP I know it's nothing like what you've gone through, but when my exH left me for another woman, our collective friends, including godparents of our children, abandoned me completely. We had been friends for 17 years and every single one of them dropped me like a hot stone. I was very hurt by it in the beginning and it took me a year or 2, but I realise now they were never real friends, it was what was convenient for them at the time. Now that it's not, they pretend like I don't exist, so I reciprocate. I have never had any kind of explanation or justification.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you and your DC continue to go from strength to strength. Let these people go, they are not worth the space in your head

Thank you, yes I know it's not unusual behaviour.

I've had some lovely support from other people, including wife of one of the men they've criticised for being out with me too much. She said when she divorced (before she met my friend 20 years ago) it was like all women suddenly saw her as a threat. I find it quite amusing that any woman might see me as a threat, but it might explain why my current friendship group is a bit male heavy and the women are all very secure people. Although if that's the issue with the old group, have they looked at their husbands? 😆

What a bunch of bastards. I’m a widow too and I wish someone had given me the widow manual on how to behave - clearly it exists as everyone judges you so much afterwards.
No one understands how hard it is. Just functioning is hard. It’s the loss of the person, the grief, loss of a future together. And no one to share anything with, the burden all falls to you now.
No words of wisdom really other than to say it sounds like you are dealing with things as best you can. You find out who your friends are in the hard times.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

How dare they think/ talk like this about you - what is being a widow meant to look like then? There views are outdated and downright mean!

I have no personal experience but 2 of my closest friends are widows - the first lost her husband at 32yo she is now 48 and has never found anyone new, has never been interested in dating or going out really- she describes herself as a ‘homebird.’ My other friend was widowed nearly 3 years ago - she took up all offers of social activities not just dinner or drinks but pilates/ yoga - all sorts. She has a new casual relationship with someone- and whilst absolutely misses her husband terribly she says she has a life to still live and that this is her way of doing ‘grief’ and moving forward.

I love them both as friends and support them to do whatever is right for them - don’t ever doubt that your way is right for you and your family. These friends ridiculousness and complete lack of compassion and understanding should help you give them and their attitude not another thought.

What I’ve learned in the 3 years since my husband died is that death is still the ultimate taboo. People would rather pretend you do not exist than be there for you. Until they have experienced a loss so traumatic they can’t understand it, so they run from it. Of course it means when you are at your most vulnerable nobody is there for you (with some notable exceptions if you are fortunate).

I’ve lost friends and friendship groups over it. At first it hurt, then I was furious. Now I am fairly sanguine about it. I can’t make people care about me. But what I do now is manage much more carefully who I truly care about, now that list of people is very small indeed. And I probably behave quite ruthlessly at times to look after myself - if I don’t look after me nobody else will.

Yes, I think I must be at the hurt then furious stage. I really felt I'd got a grip on things (mostly) and Im furious that I've pet this hurt me so much!

Sorry, wrong thread!